No “Dancing With The Stars” season has ever — ever — started with a celebrity saying anything as utterly fantastic as “I am dedicating my first dance to my girls at the Federal Detention Center.”
That was rapper Lil’ Kim, introducing the cha-cha she and Derek Hough performed. Her incarcerated peeps had reason to smile: Lil’ Kim opened the show with a decent if unspectacular dance. It wasn’t the breakout performance that marks a frontrunner, but it was solid, and as all the judges noted in giving her straight 7s, it showed promise.
Belinda Carlisle, the former Go-Go, didn’t fare as well. As Bruno pointed out, she looked heavy on her feet. She’s paired with Jonathan Roberts, who always seems like the most normal professional on the show, so it’s good to see him with someone who won’t clomp around like Monica Seles or faint in his arms like Marie Osmond. Belinda earned two 6s and a 5 — about average for the first night.
NFL legend Lawrence Taylor came in knowing the legacy of football players like Emmitt Smith — in fact, he dressed so much like Emmitt did for his first performance that there was quite a resemblance. Lawrence isn’t a natural dancer, and he lacks Emmitt’s billion-watt grin and infectious warmth, but his cha-cha was okay, and the always-game Edyta Sliwinska certainly shook everything she had on his behalf. He escaped with a 6 and two 5s.
Much to the relief of everyone who saw him mug wildly the first two times he was on camera during the introductions, “Jackass” star Steve-O played it mostly straight. After discussing his recent stint in rehab, he took on the dancing quite earnestly and seems to genuinely get along with partner Lacey Schwimmer. His waltz wasn’t good, but it wasn’t Tucker Carlson — as judge Len Goodman said, it could have been worse. The judges seemed unsure whether Steve-O was going for comedy with his dance or not — it appeared that he … wasn’t, actually — and they gave him two 6s and a 5.
Naked shower guy pours on the sexGilles Marini has even less of an excuse to be here than most people, given that his only claim to fame is appearing nude in the shower in the “Sex And The City” movie. He and Cheryl Burke went for a sexy cha-cha, and while Gilles was certainly okay, there was something obvious and sort of stodgy about the way he moved. The judges overpraised it substantially, and they overscored it, too, giving it three 8s, a score that turned out to be the night’s best. Gilles is going to be sold as extremely sexy, no matter how sexy he actually is, so he’ll likely stay around a while.
Country singer Chuck Wicks has the advantage of dancing with his real-life girlfriend Julianne Hough, and he performed an adequate waltz. It’s still early, but he seems to have some natural grace, as Carrie Ann Inaba commented. Carrie Ann also gave them a scolding about what seemed to be an inadvertent lift (“He’s so tall,” Julianne quietly protested), but they landed two 7s along with a probably lift-reduced 6 from Carrie Ann.
Tom Bergeron paused at this point to visit with the fallen Jewel and Nancy O’Dell, both of whom expressed regret at being forced out. And then, it was Jewel’s replacement, dancing with Dmitry Chaplin: Holly Madison, “The Girls Next Door” star and Playboy model, who had no dance experience and five days to practice (other contestants had weeks). She’d had just enough time to learn the dance and absolutely none to improve her oafish technique, but even finishing seemed like an accomplishment, and the judges rewarded her with a respectable set of across-the-board 6s.
Tom then broke the much-rumored development that seems so obvious in retrospect: ABC had pulled in Melissa Rycroft, recently ditched in the hugely controversial finale of “The Bachelor.” But she wouldn’t dance quite yet. Still practicing, perhaps?
Next up, instead, was rodeo star (and husband of Jewel) Ty Murray, partnered with Chelsie Hightower of “So You Think You Can Dance.” In rehearsal, he chafed at everything that seemed “embarrassing” (which meant “feminine”). His dancing, while sometimes uncomfortable, showed a certain game appeal, and he did seem amused by the very fact of doing it, which can be a little charming. He definitely has a severe case of Counting In Your Head Syndrome, but he showed up. The judges were nevertheless unkind, leaving him with two 5s and — painfully — a 4.
Olympic gymnast Shawn Johnson, at 17, is the youngest-ever celebrity dancer. Facing a romantic tango with the substantially older Mark Ballas, she seemed a little thrown but showed flexibility and body control, as you’d expect, and will only need to work on the gymnast’s tendency to grin toothily as if everything is a stuck landing. The judges complimented her on seeming elegant beyond her years, and she was given two 8s and a 7.
Next up was Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak, who predictably entered the intro segment on a Segway. He’s paired with Karina Smirnoff, who swears she can bring out the “sexy side” of anyone. (We’ll see.) Determined to prove that “nerds can dance,” Wozniak certainly proved that it’s endearing when nerds try to dance. He can’t actually dance at all, but he did commit to the clowning like many before him, and the judges gave him a 5 and two 4s.
David Alan Grier hammed it up in rehearsal from the word go, which is fortunately nothing new for resident doofus-wrangler Kym Johnson, who has managed Jerry Springer and Penn Jillette. David’s waltzing, like that of several others on the night, was respectable and competent but uninspiring, mostly noteworthy for its simplicity if you were expecting him to be ridiculous. Two 6s and a 7 seemed about right.
And then it was the natural combination of Denise Richards and Maksim Chmerkovskiy, both people who are fond of their own pectoral regions. Denise gave an un-rhythmic performance that looked like a performance mostly because of her feathered costume — if she’d been in a tank top and gym shorts, she’d have looked several weeks from being ready. Her straight 6s were generous.
And then: Melissa.
Casting Melissa was frankly brilliant. For ABC, it holds the timeslot audience, it gets even more out of an already-famous incident, and it provides a fill-in who — as a professional cheerleader — can roll with two days of rehearsal time. For Melissa, it’s a chance to have a public image that’s not about being ditched.
And how did she fare? Given that she started on Saturday, she was very good. She’s graceful, she can dance, and she looked … radiant, frankly; thrilled to be thinking about something else. Part of the reason her breakup was so explosive, after all, is that she’s very telegenic and appealing, and her two 8s and a 7 were an excellent showing for an emergency appearance. With her built-in fan base and actual ability, expect Melissa to stay quite a while.
There’s another week of performances before anyone goes home, but Wozniak and Ty Murray are bringing up the rear, ability-wise. If they want to stay, both had better buckle down this week.
Linda Holmes is a frequent contributor to msnbc.com