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Moms are all ‘Desperate’ on Wisteria Lane

If you had to pick a mother on Wisteria Lane, who could you possibly choose? From Lynette to Bree to Gaby to Susan and beyond, they all put weird demands on their offspring.
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They should pipe “Desperate Housewives” into teen sex-ed classes as a great form of birth control. Who would want to be a parent, especially a mother, after watching the women of Wisteria Lane control, torment and torture their children? Who would want to even have a mother?

Lynette has always been the queen mother of control, as one child or another is always getting on her last nerve.The kid in Lynette's laser focus at the moment is Preston — or maybe Parker, Porter, Peter or Paul — who can keep the “P” names straight?

Anyway, PresParkPortWhoever, now sporting a giant caterpillar mustache, is engaged to Irina, a Russian golddigging beauty who tossed an entire pot of borscht at a pregnant Lynette for calling her "self-serving Eurotrash." Lynette shouldn't have been shocked. She can seem classy and even smart when playing a role in another woman's plotline — she was witty this week at the poker game — but most of the time, she's not above throwing a food item herself.

Gaby and Susan both often appear to be less mature than their own children, and that was demonstrated again this week when they competed in a candy-bar selling contest. Yes, the kids were supposed to be selling the candy, but both moms took it on themselves and desperately tried to push their child to the top of the heap. Gaby dressed in tight clothes and sold candy to construction workers, while Susan plopped M.J. in a wheelchair and pretended he was dying. Gee, that won't mess with their kids' heads one bit.

Yes, in the end, Susan gave in when she realized how much Juanita just wanted Gaby to be proud of her, but did either woman learn a lesson? That's a big fat N-O.

Bree looks perfect on the outside, but she's demonstrating that her children are just a part of the ideal family image she strives to portray. Currently. she's enamored with young Sam, who told her that her late first husband, Rex, is his father.

Bree doesn't seem to have checked out that information and has no proof other than a photograph she saw (which likely was faked). But that didn't stop her from pushing away her own son, Andrew, choosing instead to fawn all over Sam and his icy perfection.

Angie Bolen is new to the neighborhood, and is pretty well-established as a tough-as-nails mom, even if she didn't have that secret life. Now it turns out she and Nick have been lying to Danny about who his father is, and his real dad, a psychopathic eco-activist (yes, really) has just arrived in town. That deception and life on the run hasn't worked out too well for Angie's mothering.

If you had to pick a mother on Wisteria Lane, who could you possibly choose? Granted, Susan seemed to have turned out a pretty mature kid in Julie, but we get the sense that growing up Meyer was one catastrophe after another. The Scavo and Solis kids have loving dads, which surely helps, but their mothers are basket cases. Katherine hid the body of her first daughter and replaced her with a Romanian orphan, so don't even go there. And scary Lynette would be fine until your path diverged in any way from her control-freak expectations, at which point you'd be better faking an identity and running off to join the equally weird Walkers on ABC's other family show, "Brothers & Sisters."

Actually, if forced to choose, we might pick Karen McCluskey — she's not as gorgeous as the others, but she's darn practical, and seems to have a true heart. The younger moms on the street are still reliving their own youth at the detriment of their offspring.