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Mommy dearest

No longer a girl — Britney’s most definitely a woman now. By Jon Bonné

Not that we hadn’t already assumed it, but now it’s official as our favorite pop tart’s Web site can make it: Our little Britney’s all growed up.

That’s right, folks. Mrs. Spears Federline announced to the world Tuesday she was pregnant.

We can’t possibly wait another moment, of course, without playing the numbers game.  She and Kev were married in September. She could already be seven months along by now, assuming she opted to seal her union before she got with child. And we can’t imagine she would have gotten knocked up before everything was nice and official now, can we?  Can we?

In fact, a quick scan of recent Britney pictures indicates she might not be quite that far into the process, though we recently entertained speculation that her bust was swelling and her tummy seems to have been growing rounder of late. And the assumption was that it might not just be a few extra bags of Cheetos, though it’s not unreasonable that her newly revealed state might have prompted more than a few snack-food binges.

Oh, and let’s not forget the fact that Kevin has an enviable track record with the women in his life.  By the time he and the Britster got hitched, he was already a proud papa — twice over. I’m sure Shar Jackson is none too surprised by this latest news, though I’m assuming she won’t be on the guest list for the baby shower.

For that matter, before any of us gets too upset that she was holding out on this vital, vital tidbit of news, remember that it took Britney years to finally offer the Earth-shattering revelation that (gasp!) she had done it — Done It! — with Justin Timberlake.  Of course, Justin was supposed to be The One. She held out for two years but … it was supposed to be so special, so romantic. It was Justin. It was love. Britney was crushed when Justin hit the road on a search for brighter Dia … er, days.

Once upon a time: She was that innocent
Let’s face it: We’ve been wondering for a while now just when this day would pass. It seems such a very, very, very long way from Britney’s first splash — her jaw-dropping debut, Catholic-school uniform and all: the early, innocent days when all she asked of us was to hit her, baby, one more time. Look back to that first album cover, all the way back in the Pleistocene Era that was 1999; gaze upon that fresh, clean smile. Who expected we would one day arrive at this point?  Overprotected? No more. 

The nice thing is that this second marriage seems to be a charm for Britney, despite all those rumors that her vows with Kevin were in trouble, since young master Federline reportedly kept heading to Vegas like the city was holding a clearance sale on showgirls. (On that note, has he considered a gig as the city visitors authority’s new spokesman? What happens in Vegas, dude, should seriously stay in Vegas.) 

I don’t know whether this forthcoming bundle of joy will inspire the free-roaming Kevin to hunker down for a while in Louisiana, but if I were him, I’d apply for that Home Depot credit line and start reading up on crib safety.  I’m assuming he’ll be in closer quarters than with his current offspring.

If nothing else, here’s hoping the happy couple’s forthcoming reality show will fill us in on all the blissful details — though it sounds more likely to be a home-video retrospective than a Jessica-and-Nick-style journey into Britney’s Lamaze classes and ultrasound sessions. At the very least, we’d like to see which room in the Spears compound they choose for their new little miracle.

Back around the time Kev’s last bundle of joy arrived — just two months before he rallied down the aisle — Britney said she’d be happy to be a stepmom but really was yearning for tots of her own. “I see myself with four or five,” she told People.

It’s hard to say how rapid a timeline she’s planned for that, but let’s not forget that only four short years ago Her Britness reminded us she was “Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman.”  If you possibly doubted she had crossed the transom to womanhood, doubt no longer.

Now, finally, the baby-name office pools can begin.