Ann Coulter is a hero to conservative fans and despised by liberals for the same reasons: her razor-sharp tongue, quick wit and come-what-may approach to political discourse. In her new book, “If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans,” Coulter rails against liberals and the Democrats for everything from global warming to religion. Here's an excerpt:
The language police
Liberals are obsessed with language and controlling the words people use. If they can control our words, they can control us. They simultaneously promote as many languages as possible in America — other than English — and frantically censor words and speakers. Soon the only two words we’ll be allowed to use are: “I’m offended.” (“Estoy offendido.”)
While most people think it would be a good idea for immigrants to a new country to learn the native language, this would be a disaster for the Democrats. They don’t do well when the electorate understands what they’re talking about. Ideally, the Democrats should run campaign advertising in another language, perhaps German. But short of that, their best hope is to have lots and lots of voters who don’t speak English. They insist on having ballots in Urdu, but I’m pretty sure we won’t be hearing any Urdu spoken on the Senate floor.
For English speakers, the Democratic Party has created a secret vocabulary. “Civil rights,” “science,” “constitutional rights,” “moderate,” “extremist,” “peace” — in standard Democrat usage, none of these words mean what normal people would think they mean. Of course, they also claim not to know what “liberal” means. It is the opposite of “conservative,” which means “someone who doesn’t spit in a person’s face for requesting a religious donation.”
When referring to the 9/11 terrorists, Reuters news service will only use the words “terror” or “terrorists” in quotation marks, because, its global news editor said, “one man’s terrorist is another man’s freedom fighter.” The AP photo bank titles a photo of Osama bin Laden “Exiled Saudi dissident Osama bin Laden.” I guess we’ve come a long way since the people shooting at us could be called “nips,” “krauts,” or “the yellow peril.” Now we must be linguistically sensitive toward our enemies.
This isn’t nonjudgmentalism; it’s taking sides against the West. Soon Reuters was running photo captions with statements like this: “Human rights around the world have been a casualty of the U.S. ‘war on terror’ since September 11.” Changing words quickly metastasizes into changing facts. The late liberal lawyer William Kunstler said, “It makes no difference anymore whether the attack on Tawana [Brawley] really happened. It doesn’t disguise the fact that a lot of young black women are treated the way she said she was treated.” Name one.
There will be huge heaping hunks of judgmentalism shown toward the economically advantaged, patriarchal white-male oppressor class. You know, people like me.
In 2005, the British Professional Association of Teachers proposed banning the word “failed” from English classrooms in order to avoid labeling children, insisting that the word “failed” should be replaced with “deferred success.” Following the English lead, perhaps French history textbooks could now be rewritten to herald France’s many military “deferred victories.”
As for my own — as yet — uncensored language, you have to either be retarded or work for the Soviet thought police not to understand that much of what I say is a joke (admittedly, never as funny as the reaction). But apparently, in the early sixties and seventies, a medical procedure used to be performed whereby a person’s humor was removed at birth. Fortunately, this practice was outlawed years ago, but you still see a few such people wandering around, helpless in the world of rhetoric. They simply lack the enzyme that detects irony. These are the kind of people who say, “What do you mean ‘is it hot enough for me?’ I hate it this hot!”
The language police are overpaid, and there are too many of them. Can’t we have more regular police?
Ann Coulter on ...
... Hillary Clinton: Hillary wants to be the first woman president, which would also make her the first woman in a Clinton administration to sit behind the desk in the Oval Office instead of under it. According to polls, a majority of Americans don’t believe the country is ready for a woman president. But the good news is the polls also show that most Americans don’t view Hillary as a woman. Hillary’s second-biggest accomplishment is having been the First Lady. Her first-biggest accomplishment is not realizing that there was a second, third, fourth, and fifth lady.
... Islam: Inasmuch as liberals are demanding that Americans ritualistically proclaim, “Islam is a religion of peace,” Muslims might do their part by not killing people all the time.
... enraging liberals: About twice a year for nearly a decade, I have upset the little darlings with some public statement, and yet they manage to summon fresh outrage for each new offense. Each time they think I can’t “sink any lower” — I proceed to do so! And by the way, if they’re going to keep using the tired formulation “This time, she’s gone too far!” — can I get an admission that the last sixteen times were, therefore, not “too far”?
... Teddy Kennedy: Apparently fat, drunk, and stupid is a way to go through life.
... her dream: If a genie offered me only one wish in this life, it would be to have a TV show where I’d get to interview liberal celebrities while they are strapped to lie detector machines. I would ask them questions like, “Do you believe in a Supreme Being?” and “Do you love your country?”
... taxes: Taxes are like abortion, and not just because both are grotesque procedures supported by Democrats. You’re for them or against them.
... airport security: Since flights resumed after the attacks of September 11, 2001, the sounds of the airport have included the tinkle of tweezers being dropped in airport security “weapons” boxes, the patter of bare feet through magnetometers, and hearty shouts of Step aside, Mohammed, we’ve got to frisk the blonde chick! But there’s good news, too. It’s now virtually impossible to hijack a plane using an oversized carry-on bag or a bottle of Evian water.
... abortion: A “moderate Democrat” is someone who experiences doubt when undergoing her third abortion. The party of compassion believes it is very important to have “choice” when it comes to killing babies, but not so important when it comes to what you think about global warming, about which we must have 100 percent uniform belief enforced by left-wing border guards.
... illegal immigration: Liberals support the rights of illegal aliens. Also, they threatened to move to France when Bush was reelected. So my proposal is that all liberals leave the United States right now. We’d have more room for illegal aliens here and it would solve Europe’s labor shortage. Instead of importing Muslims, Europeans can have our liberals, who share the Muslims’ politics but are somewhat less disposed to violence.
... President Bush: President George W. Bush is evidently the first mentally retarded person to get a Harvard M.B.A., graduate from the U.S. Air Force Flight School, be elected governor of Texas, and then be elected president of the United States twice. I guess this is what they call “mainstreaming.” Admittedly, it took Bush two weeks to learn how to pronounce “Shiite,” but he had higher grades at Yale than John Kerry. Then again, who didn’t?
... colleges: The only successful assaults on Americans’ basic freedoms have come from the Left, most spectacularly on college campuses. It is now common for campuses to set aside specifically designated areas known as “free-speech zones,” which used to comprise a somewhat larger zone known as “the United States of America.”
... Bill Clinton: He left a mark on history that may never come out.
Excerpted from “If Democrats Had Any Brains, They'd Be Republicans” by Ann Coulter. Copyright © 2007 Ann Coulter. Excerpted by permission of Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.