Kudos to Madonna for jumping the shark perhaps 10 years before that term was even coined — and still tricking us into obsessing on her. Just as news coverage of the “scandalous” disco cross scene in her current “Confessions” tour reached its nadir, BLAM! Madonna pops up in a tiny impoverished country somewhere in Africa with the rumors of maybe — maybe not — adopting one of its many destitute orphans.
“Ooooh” and “Ahhhh” fawn the gossip rags. (I’m paraphrasing.) “Isn’t she amazing? See how she continues to reinvent herself even after all these years?”
Except lately — actually for a while now — these so-called reinventions translate to little more than the desperate measures of an aging female pop star fighting tooth, nail and personal trainer to stay on top in the encroaching world of Britneys, Christinas, and even Kelly Clarksons.
Face it, kids — Madonna is stuck in reruns — either her own, or in the case of the recent African orphan safari, Angelina Jolie’s. Heck, she’s even cribbing from Tom Cruise — her Kabbalah mania smacks of little more than pseudo-religious Pepsi to Scientology’s Coke.
That’s not to say Madonna isn’t relevant. According to Billboard magazine, the “Confessions” tour was the highest-earning ever by a female artist, with Madonna making a profit of $258 million. And with tickets going for $350 a pop, obviously Madonna is relevant to someone — in fact, a whole lot of someones.
It’s not just about nostalgia, either. Myriad concert reviews report that the “Confessions” playlist mainly features Madonna’s later material, saving a few of her 1980s hits, such as “Lucky Star” for the encore. Her paradoxical ability to stay relevant, despite her complete lack of, um, relevance, is what makes her so fascinating. (Well, that and her freakishly well-toned biceps and thighs.)
Papa, don't preach
Madonna is certainly still relevant to William Donohue. As president of the Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, he’s built a reputation on publicly condemning what he regards as Catholic bigotry in show biz. Past foes include Marilyn Manson and “South Park.”
As you can imagine, Madonna’s aforementioned disco cross scene had him positively apoplectic. In case you missed it, it goes something like this: Madonna, wearing a smart blouse in pumpkin spice (a very “in” color for fall), black slacks and a crown of thorns, dangles from a giant mirrored cross faux-crucifixion style and sings her respectable 1986 pop hit “Live To Tell” while images and text regarding the African AIDS crisis flash across a screen.
“Don’t tell me that she’s standing up for poverty and AIDS and insulting my religion,” Donahue said in a recent debate on CNN’s “Paula Zahn Now.”
He’s not alone in his opinion. As NBC wrestles with whether to show the crucifixion portion of the show in an upcoming Madonna concert special, a lot of other less PR-savvy religious institutions share Donohue’s outrage. The Vatican, as well as German and Russian churches had issues with the “Confessions” tour.
Madonna’s official response to crucifixion criticism states, “My performance is neither anti-Christian, sacrilegious or blasphemous. Rather, it is my plea to the audience to encourage mankind to help one another and to see the world as a unified whole.” Hmmmm, could there possible be a better way to spread awareness about AIDS in Africa? Let’s all think for a minute.
Meanwhile, for all his infinitely quotable lines such as how “she jumped to Kabbalah” and “We thought we got rid of her,” Donohue has another point that’s kind of hard to argue with. That would be his criticism of Madonna’s “limited repertoire” and how “she’s been doing this since the 80s”.
It is all so very 1986 — remember the “Like A Prayer” video when everyone got red-faced on account of Madonna dancing in front of burning crosses and making out with an animated statue of a black saint? It was so scandalous, she even lost her Pepsi sponsorship! As far as this current “outrage” — yawn. Madonna’s sacrilege angle is so played out, it’s tempting to suspect she and Donohue signed some backdoor agreement to keep each other in the news.
In the new millennium, the hottest way for celebrities to stay on top of the headlines — and, oh yeah, bring attention to the African AIDS crisis — is to visit orphanages in third-world countries. Maybe Madonna finally figured this out around the time the whole crucifixion nonsense started fading from print. The big controversy now is whether or not she originally intended on taking home a souvenir orphan from one of the towns she’s currently touring in Malawi, one of the poorest countries in the world. Along with rampant disease and hunger, Malawi is said to have estimated 1 million children who have lost their parents to AIDS.
The Malawi government reportedly contends that Madonna originally sought to adopt a girl — no wait — a boy, definitely a boy — wait –um, maybe she’ll just take Malawi’s card and think about it.
According to one report, a little girl named Mpheso Ngulube was interviewed by a group of official-looking white men who told her she would go to live in England and hang with another girl with a name like “Lodess.” But according to Madonna’s spokeswoman, Liz Rosenberg, Madonna’s there just being private, humanitarian, and setting up orphanages in the impoverished nation. “She’s kind of adopting an entire country of children,” said Rosenberg.
Indeed, Madonna, who recently distributed free copies of her children’s book “The English Roses” to local orphans, has pledged $3 million to help these same kids as part of her spearheaded by the Raising Malawi charity.
Considering Madonna’s “Confessions” tour riches, that’s pretty much change dug from her couch. Still, the unjaded among us might say that any money for these kids is good money, give poor Madge a break. Of course, there’s one catch — the project to set up an orphan center to care for as many as 4,000 children will be based on Kabbalah. Those poor orphaned kiddies will now learn the spiritual benefits of wearing red strings around their wrists and drinking magic Kabbalah water (at least there’s no dysentery).
Meanwhile, Madonna, her husband Guy Ritchie, and kids Lourdes and Rocco are currently housed at a reportedly opulent guest lodge, cruising the impoverished countryside in shiny all-terrain vehicles. And despite her spokewoman’s insistence that this is a private mission, we certainly all know she’s there and pretty much every move she makes.
Too bad Audrey Hepburn didn’t have Madonna’s game. She spent years working for UNICEF, but unfortunately never figured out how to make it all about her.
Helen A.S. Popkin is a writer in New York City.