"Daily Show" host Jon Stewart delivered a blistering takedown of NFL commissioner Roger Goodell and the entire National Football League Wednesday night, summing up months of drama in seven minutes.
Stewart smoothly recapped the entire scandal, which began with former Baltimore Raven Ray Rice knocking his wife unconscious in an elevator. Now Goodell is on the media hot seat amid claims that the league minimized the assault until video of the attack was released.
Here are 6 ways in which Stewart deftly skewered the league's response to the event.
On the elevator assault:
"It was the sort of despicable incident our society would not tolerate. And the justice system had no choice but to throw the book at Rice. Specifically, a book titled: 'So You're Sentenced to Counseling: A Violent Offender's Guide to Lenient Punishments."
On Rice's original two-game suspension:
"Two! Not one, two! A two-game slap ... One for each wrist!"
On the NFL then deciding a first domestic-violence offense would result in a six-game suspension:
"Let that be a lesson to NFL players everywhere. If you hit a woman, they will not let you hit a man for six more weeks."
On fans being allowed to exchange Ray Rice jerseys:
"Rice-A-Roni is changing its name! Will now be referred to as, 'Simmered Grain-A-Roni'! Rice University will now be referred to as, 'The University Where We Do Not Punch Ladies in Elevators.'"
On NFL commissioner Roger Goodell's claim he wasn't 'granted the opportunity' to view the tape:
"Really? You were never 'grah-nted that op-por-tunity?' Really? The King of Video never bestowed upon you the op-por-tunity, for you are just a simple peasant boy commissioner, armed with only your wits, the clothes upon your back, and billions of dollars and the most high-powered team of lawyers in the history of man."
On the AP's report that the NFL has had the tape since April:
"You had the tape, and you want us to believe that you did not look at it. Well, I think we're all aware of the NFL's obsessive-compulsive tape-watching addictions. For God's sake, you get 24 angles in high-res slow-mo just to see whether a man's knee goes over an imaginary line before his hand crosses a different imaginary line."