I decided to call. It had been 18 months since I had given the ring back. It had been 18 months since we had spoken. During those months, I was never even tempted to reach out — the thought was just too painful. But then one day, I built up the courage — chutzpah, as my Grammy would say — and I called at 2 p.m. on a Thursday. He picked up.
Deciding to end our engagement last year was heart-wrenching. I used to say, “It literally takes my breath away to picture my life without him.” But our relationship couldn’t stay the way it was. We needed a pause. A long pause. And we took it.
I always say I would rather break a bone than have a broken heart. Even though we were fighting and hurting each other to what I thought was an irreparable place, I never thought our relationship would break. But it did. There are moments of impact in life where you can remember what you were wearing, what the weather was like, what was around you. The conversation we had when we decided we needed to move on from each other was one of my moments. After almost three years of a near fairy tale, the lows became more overwhelming than the highs. It wasn’t working. We were arguing more than we were getting along. Energetically, the timing wasn’t right. We both still needed to grow. It took falling apart to build ourselves back together.
It took falling apart to build ourselves back together.
I was 44 and honestly didn’t know how I was going to go on … but I did. My beautiful family supported me and assured me it would get better. I went through all the emotions and phases. Then I decided to focus on what I had as opposed to what I didn’t have. I needed to start finding silver linings again. I went to (virtual) therapy, journaled, started working out, worked on myself, my career, on being more creative. I decided I needed to be my own best friend.
“What’s the catch?” I remember a friend of a friend asking me a few months after Erik and I broke up. She was talking about me. She wanted to set me up.
“I get that question a lot,” I said.
She said, “You are pretty, successful, nice … men will ask me why you aren’t married.”
I thought about that conversation a lot afterward. Was it me? Why did people think that if you were in your mid-40s and single that something had to be wrong with you? I used to feel insecure when that question was asked. I needed to have the confidence to say, “There is no catch. I am single because I choose to be and I am proud of who I am.” Eventually, I realized that I would be OK if I ultimately found myself alone. People told me to go on dates by myself. I did. Once a week I took myself out for beautiful meals. I like me. I like being with me. I’m fun. (P.S. I still take myself out on dates!)
Why did people think that if you were in your mid-40s and single that something had to be wrong with you?
I truly believe life is not about the times you fall down, but rather, how you get back up. We all make mistakes. We all need to say I’m sorry. We all need to improve. I try to be a better, kinder person every single day. The real work in life is the work you put in to persevere — that’s what matters. I now know that’s true for relationships, too.
When I called Erik on that random Thursday a few months ago, he was shocked to hear from me. He took time to process that first conversation and then we began to learn about each other again. We wanted to make sure this time would be different. Better.
I love the way Erik loves me, but I also love how I feel about myself when I am with him. I am the best version of myself when we are together. I feel confident, smart and happy. We laugh all the time. While we still fight sometimes, we limit the drama. Misunderstandings that used to last for a weekend now last minutes.
Related
Our first engagement was extravagant and over the top: flowers, a tent, pictures, our families, cameras, lights … very dramatic and grand. This time around it was different. It was beautiful, but it was different. We were on a small fishing boat in the Bahamas. It was just the two of us and, lucky for us, a couple on another nearby boat told us afterward that they took a picture of us while Erik was proposing.
Thank goodness they happened to be in that spot in the middle of the ocean — the snapshot later took my breath away. Erik simply said, “I can’t wait to spend the rest of forever with you.” And we were engaged. Again.
Everyone’s journey is different. It took me 45 years to find my fairy tale. When I realized I was confident on my own, that’s when I knew Erik and I were ready to get back together. The realistic version of my fairy tale was ready to be written.
Jill Martin will be back on TODAY on Monday. Her new special, Holiday Steals & Deals with Jill Martin, launches on Nov. 22 at 8 a.m. EST. Click here to learn more about how to watch.
