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‘House of the Dead’ a dud

Bloodthirsty zombies attack stupid teens in this lame thriller

Like the ravers-turned-zombies who stagger through its low-budget landscape, “House of the Dead” is (un)dead on arrival. The movie wasn’t shown to critics ahead of opening day, but it’s a wonder it didn’t just go straight to video.

Far from being scary, it’s oddly comforting in the familiarity of its slasher-flick conventions. Hot, young, stupid people trek to an island for a rave and find that the partygoers have all turned into bloodthirsty zombies — the result of some bad Ecstasy, no doubt.

One by one, the characters get eaten alive. But first, the potential female victims must bare their breasts, go swimming in the ocean alone and wander solo through the woods.

And the guys have to drink beer and come perilously close to having sex with the aforementioned half-naked women before suffering their inevitable fate.

Greg (Will Sanderson), Simon (Tyron Leitso), Cynthia (Sonya Salomaa), Karma (Enuka Okuma) and Alicia (Ona Grauer) take a boat to Isla del Muerte for a party billed as “the rave of the year.”

“Muerte — that’s Spanish for death in case you don’t speak Mexican,” says the boat’s creepy first mate (Clint Howard, as in brother-of-Ron, and the biggest name in the movie). We know he’s creepy because he wears a yellow rain slicker and hat ALL the time, even on land, even when it’s not raining, and he has a hook in place of his right hand.

The boat’s captain, whose name is Capt. Kirk (Jurgen Prochnow, the “Das Boot” skipper who’s really sunk in his choice of roles), is an old salt — a part-time smuggler who drinks from a flask and steps out into the rain to light his ill-gotten Cuban cigars.

But Kirk steps up when the zombies come growling and lurching toward him and his clueless young passengers, who take refuge in an abandoned house (hence, the film’s title).

The only difference between this and other B-horror movies is that “House of the Dead,” from German director Uwe Boll, is based on a video game of the same name. Actually, it’s almost an extended ad: Boll has inserted snippets of the game’s animation into the violent, poorly shot battle scenes.

Imagine how boring it is to watch someone else play a video game. Now imagine doing that for an hour and a half, and that’s what you have here.

It’s enough to make you yearn for the 1982 movie based on the game “Tron” — or at least hope that a film version of Pong is in the works.