Really, there’s no point in paying to see a movie starring Paris Hilton — she of the platinum blonde extensions and the nonexistent acting range — because you can get exactly what she has to offer for free by turning on a TV infotainment show or clicking on any number of gossip Web sites.
In “The Hottie and the Nottie,” she once again essentially plays herself, or at least the version of herself she’s concocted for public consumption. (Sadly, the world may never get to know the “real” Paris, if such a thing exists.) Then again, Katharine Hepburn built a career on portraying a carefully crafted version of herself, so hey, anything’s possible.
This time, Hilton stars as sexpot Cristabel Abbott, who’s so massively desirable, men line the beach path where she jogs every day (in slow motion, naturally) with marriage proposals and other wacky expressions of love. Cristabel has an entire walk-in closet devoted entirely to her extensive collection of lingerie. When she practices yoga, the instructor compliments her on the quality of her downward facing dog.
She does everything but say the words, “That’s hot.” (But Hilton does get to utter this bizarre clunker of a line: “A life without orgasms is like a world without flowers.”)
Clearly, she could have any man she wanted, but she refuses to date until her homely best friend from childhood, June (Christine Lakin), finds a boyfriend. Gangly, insecure Nate (Joel David Moore), who’s been in love with Cristabel since they were 6, schleps from Maine back to Los Angeles to win her heart 20 years later — but before he can get to the hottie, he must go through the nottie. (As Nate’s obese, wisecracking pal describes June, “She’s like some hideous dragon guarding the princess from escape.”)
Director Tom Putnam’s movie, which plays like a poor man’s Farrelly brothers comedy, is as lazy and formulaic as they come. Even before we meet June, we have every reason to believe she’s secretly gorgeous, and simply in need of some veneers and a facial wax. (Early on, she actually resembles Jerri Blank, Amy Sedaris’ character from “Strangers With Candy.”)
Working from Heidi Ferrer’s wholly uninspired script, Putnam runs through all the gross-out gags you’d expect. There are fart jokes and poop jokes, vomit and snot, dirty socks and granny panties. A bit in which June’s infected toenail flies off her foot and into the mouth of a guy Nate is trying to set her up with is particularly unpleasant. All of it is unfunny.
Little by little, her true beauty shines through, thanks to some makeover work from a model-turned-dentist named Johann (Tom Brady look-alike Johann Urb) who’s too good to be true and may or may not truly be into June. Of course, she also ends up turning Nate’s head in the process.
The presence of Moore as our goofy hero makes all this flat tripe feel vaguely tolerable. There’s something slightly charming about his deadpan, self-deprecating manner, and he gets a couple of decent lines here and there. And Lakin, once she’s all gussied up, is completely cute. But both are in need of a serious makeover when it comes to their choice in movie projects.