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Helpful hints for celebrities in trouble

If it weren’t for Lindsay Lohan's most recent arrest for driving while drunk, and Paris Hilton's time in the pokey, there would be no need to compose this free handbook that will hopefully keep young Hollywood from having to pay their publicists overtime wages.
/ Source: contributor

The hugely overexposed Paris Hilton and the deeply troubled Lindsay Lohan have done more good than harm.

If it weren’t for Lohan's most recent arrest for driving while drunk, and Paris' time in the pokey, there would be no need for me to compose this free handbook that will hopefully keep young Hollywood from having to pay their publicists overtime wages.

The book is called “It Really Does Snow In L.A. If You Know the Right Peeps: Young Hollywood’s Guide to Getting Over After the Bust.” It’s full of all kinds of tips that will help celebrities, well, get over on you — the unsuspecting public — when they willingly or unwillingly screw up.

Trust me. This is a very, very good thing. And kids, it’s safe to try at home.

While I personally have had no experience with the po-po — save for that uncharacteristic outburst in a Wyoming, Ohio, courtroom after a judge fined me for letting my puppy roam free (I was innocent, he escaped!) I think I’m more than qualified to author this guide on how to suck — I mean save — face, because I live in Los Angeles where young Hollywood scandals are more widely reported than the rising costs of real estate and gas.

Li-Lo, Britney, Paris, Nicole, Eve, Nick Carter, Al Gore Jr. and those of you who have yet to be busted, this is how you do it. It’s real simple. Deny, deny, deny; cry, cry, cry. Then follow these 15 steps. It’ll be tough, I know, but I guarantee that your reputation will be as untainted as Eddie Murphy’s last DNA test if you remain committed.

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I’m not in this for the money. My intentions are as pure as the snow purportedly found in Lindsay Lohan’s pocket. My only goal is to save you from yourselves — something your parents have apparently failed to do.

  1. If you are rich and famous and arrested for a major crime like DUI, apologize immediately for being rich and famous. This is America and you can buy humility at any Wal-Mart.
  2. Never, ever, however, accompany your apology with this excuse: “I just made a stupid mistake because I’m still young and I’m still growing up.” This only works if you are under 14 and living in Des Moines. If you’re 25 and driving down the freeway in the wrong direction, your butt needs to go to jail. You should know better.
  3. Align yourself with a popular activist who needs some TV face time.
  4. If, on the night of your arrest they keep you overnight for whatever reason and your publicist isn’t answering his/her celly, your lawyer is looking after your “interests” in the Cayman Islands and your rich grandfather is in Maui with his mistress, then by all means, freak out! Threaten to call the Rev. Al Sharpton or P.Diddy, pull your extensions out or take a felt tip marker and draw three sixes on your forehead. If you do any of these things — or a combination of all — you’ll be home sooner than you can say rehab.
  5. Spread the word that you’ve stocked up on non-religious reading materials and videos such as Vanity Fair, Ho-Ho-Hollywood, People magazine, Todd Bridges’ autobiography and the complete DVD boxed set of “Sex and the City.” This way Larry King won’t embarrass you on national TV by asking what your favorite Bible passage is. You legitimately have none.
  6. If the sheriff lets you go home early for good behavior or some undetermined medical condition, toss a cup of split-pea soup into your mouth, then hurl all over the cops that the judge has sent to bring your butt back to jail. Then say: “Your mother darns socks in hell.” I guarantee you that Five-0 will never visit your zip code again.
  7. If Gloria Allred is unavailable, get Barbara Walters to defend you.
  8. If your reputation is really in the tank because you’re a repeat offender, fire and rehire your publicist about five times. Most Americans under the age of 5 will believe that you’re only in this mess because your flak screwed up by not telling you that crack is whack. It shows great compassion, however, if it appears that you’re willing to give him or her another chance.
  9. While on lockdown pledge enormous amounts of money to charities that don’t exist. That way you’ll look like the prince or princess you were meant to be, and you’ll also have an abundance of funds to blow on blow once you’ve been sprung.
  10. If you are given a choice of doing community service or rehab, take the community service. That way you can still get some daily TV and Internet exposure, can wear lovely designer duds underneath your overalls and hit the red carpet at night just like Naomi Campbell did. That’s what you call a glam slam.
  11. Try to convince Larry Birkhead to come and visit you. People will really feel sorry for you if he comes a-calling.
  12. Reach out to an ex-child star who has either spent time in jail or one who is trying to get to get arrested because they need the publicity. You will seem truly remorseful if you’re seen bonding with Shannen Doherty through a Plexiglas window.
  13. Have your publicist ring TMZ and give them the wrong release date. That way when you’re sprung a full week later, the anticipation will be so intense that no one will notice if you say or do something stupid.
  14. And once you’re out, avoid hanging out with anyone who is immediately recognizable by his or her first name or initials. That is just a scandal waiting to happen.
  15. Lastly, if you know beforehand that you’re going to do something that may run afoul of the law, please make sure you have some hair and makeup folks on speed dial. I think I can safely speak for all Americans, Europeans, Africans, Asians and Aborigines when I say we can’t bear to see another horrific mug shot. Those are beyond scandalous.