"Game of Thrones" certainly has a funny way of celebrating Father's Day.
From the Lannisters in King's Landing to Dany's dragons in Meereen, the "GoT" kids were seriously misbehaving in the season-four finale, aptly titled "The Children."
(Spoilers for Sunday's episode follow.)
A seat on the throne
You know, Tyrion, you could've just sent a card. Instead, the imp murdered his father — while he was sitting on the throne. Not the Iron Throne either — Tywin was sitting on his own toilet, pants at his ankles, when his son shot him twice in the chest with Joffrey's infamous crossbow. And Daddy Dearest wasn't the first person Tyrion, freed by his brother Jaime after a tender bromantic moment, killed that night.
When he visited Tywin's chamber, en route to his escape with Varys, Tyrion found his ladylove, Shae, in his father's bed. That hussy! Mistaking him for his father, she murmured "my lion" — her pillow-talk term of endearment for Tyrion before she so devastatingly betrayed him. In a rage, he strangled her to death. Politely, too: Tyrion said "I'm sorry" before he moved on to wish Tywin a happy Father's Day. Then, hidden in a crate, he boarded a ship with Varys watching over him.
A Braavos new world
Tyrion and the Spider aren't the only ones sailing the high seas into season five: Arya cashed in Jaqen H'ghar's coin and booked a Valar Morghulis ride to Braavos. We realized a while back that this pitiless princess was never going to star in a Disney movie, but the way she abandoned the Hound — to an agonizing, lonely death — was cold. And she robbed him, too! Winter already came and took possession of Arya's heart.
Sandor Clegane was mortally wounded by Brienne in a swordfight more exciting than last week's entire Battle of Castle Black — but this time we couldn't root for either side to win. In fact, we were really hoping Brienne and Podrick Payne would team up with Arya and the Hound to fight crime or just generally kick butt in Westeros. Instead, Brienne bit off the Hound's ear, tossed him over a cliff and was snubbed by the princess she had promised to protect.
How to chain your dragon
Only "Game of Thrones" could make us feel sorry for child-killing dragons. One of the finale's biggest tear-jerkers was the scene in which Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, was forced to chain two of her fire-breathing babies in an underground cell. The third, Drogon, is still roaming free — after making a meal out of a 3-year-old girl, whose anguished father dumped her charred bones at Khaleesi's feet. This after one of the slaves she freed begged to be shackled again because of the "fear and squalor" her regime had created. Time to scratch "Breaker of Chains" off her list of nicknames.
Children of the Forest
Unlike Dany's dragons, Brandon Stark will soon be flying — at least according to Bloodraven, aka the three-eyed crow from his visions. Team Bran had just reached his heart tree when they were ambushed by White Walkers, who killed Jojen Reed. (Moment of silence, although we always knew this kid wasn't long for this world.) The rest of the gang was rescued by a young girl who disintegrated their attackers with flying fireballs. (Almost like a dragon, when you think about it.) The girl, who is actually one of the mythical "children of the forest," led them to the mystical Bloodraven, who told Bran, "You’ll never walk again, but you will fly" — thus setting up a major story arc for season five.
Stannis the Mannis
When Jon Snow (glum and resolute as always) confronted Mance Rayder, he also found himself in the middle of an ambush — led by Stannis Baratheon, who took Mance prisoner and made nice with Ned Stark's bastard. Looks like the self-proclaimed Lord of the Seven Kingdoms will have much better luck in the north than he did at the Battle of Blackwater.