IE 11 is not supported. For an optimal experience visit our site on another browser.

Excerpt: ‘Skinny Bitch in the Kitch’

/ Source: TODAY

The authors of the best-seller “Skinny Bitch” build on their success with “Skinny Bitch in the Kitch,” 75 recipes wrapped with some salty language and in-your-face commentary about the collective wisdom of the fitness world. Here's an excerpt:
IntroductionWhat’s better than eating? (If you say “sex,” you’re either a liar or a pervert.) The answer is: Nothing! There’s nothing better than eating!  We’re total pigs and eating is, without a doubt, our favorite thing to do. We love eating so much, it makes us mad. We have, like, a violent passion for food. When we go out to eat, if something we order is really good, we talk about killing the chef. Or our pets. Or ourselves. Good food makes us want to die ... you know, like that expression, “... to die for.” But ironically, we also care about our health.

It was these two things — our obsessive passion for food and our concern for health — that led us to write “Skinny Bitch.” If you haven’t read “Skinny Bitch” yet, get your head out of your a** and go buy a copy. It will change your life. Seriously. Don’t be fooled by the title; it’s not some dumb, fluffy, weight-loss book. It’s a comprehensive guide on how to eat well and enjoy food. But it’s also a well-researched exposé documenting the shady business surrounding what we eat.

Much of what we learned while researching “Skinny Bitch” blew our minds. So we’ve made it our personal mission to share this information. We wanted to reprint “Skinny Bitch” in its entirety right here in the introduction, but our whore publisher wouldn’t let us. So we’re gonna give you the Cliff Notes ...

MeatHmm ... dead, rotting, decomposing flesh of carcasses. Doesn’t sound like something you’d want to eat, huh? Not to mention the pesticides, hormones, steroids, and antibiotics. Oops! We almost forgot mad cow disease, bird flu, salmonella, E. coli, trichinosis, and mercury. Well, no wonder Americans are suffering from obesity; cancer; liver, kidney, lung, and reproductive disorders; birth defects; miscarriages; and nervous system disorders.

You can call it steak, tuna, bacon, or chicken. No matter how you slice it, it’s a piece of decaying, decomposing carcass. We know you like the taste, but there are other foods out there that mimic the flavor of meat but don’t come with the same side effects. Smarten up, bitches.

Got osteoporosis? Researchers at Harvard, Yale, Penn State, and the National Institutes of Health have studied the effects of dairy intake on bones. Not one of these studies found dairy to be a deterrent to osteoporosis. On the contrary, a study funded by the National Dairy Council itself revealed that the high protein content of milk actually leaches calcium from the body. These findings are consistent with many others that blame milk not only for osteoporosis, but also acne, anemia, anxiety, ADD, allergies, asthma, obesity, heart disease, diabetes, autism, and multiple cancers.

Just like human milk is for baby humans, cows’ milk is for baby cows. We’re the only species on the planet that drinks the milk of another species We’re also the only species on the planet that drinks the milk as adults. It’s not only gross, it’s creepy. We’ve been totally duped by the dairy industry and their hundreds of millions of advertising dollars. And now we’re totally addicted to their disease-causing products.

There’s no need for any of them. It’s the new millennium. There are so many awesome alternatives to dairy products. Get with the program, bitches.

There is so much bulls*** around carbs now; we’ve got to set the record straight. There are two types of carbs — simple and complex. Complex carbs are not only good for you, but they’re a vital part of your diet. They consist of fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and legumes, and they should be eaten all day, every day. Simple carbs suck and should be avoided: white bread, white flour, white pasta, white rice, and white sugar. Most cookies, cakes, snacks, and processed foods are simple carbs.

So what’s a pig to do? Have her cake and eat it — just make the cake with good ingredients. Duh!

Whenever we do interviews promoting “Skinny Bitch,” we’re always asked the same questions: “What do you do when you get cravings for cookies? Or does that never happen to Skinny Bitches?” Um, we’re Skinny Bitches, not aliens! Of course we get cravings for cookies. And when we do, we eat ’em!

Unfortunately, most people have no idea that they can truly enjoy food without getting fat, sick, or sad. So it’s our pleasure (oink, oink) to educate and feed the masses. We hope you’ll love these recipes as much as we do. If you don’t, go have sex, you pervert.

There’s nothing more annoying than recipes with a million obscure ingredients. So we tried to make all our recipes as “normal” as possible. However, there are a few products we insist on using, despite their potential to peeve you. You may not have whole-wheat flour lying around in your cupboard, but too bad. White flour is crap for your body and should only be used when absolutely necessary. Whenever we can, we use products that are as pure and healthy as possible. And we want the same for you. We want you to replace your old, sh***y ingredients and start eating better.

Now granted, there’s nothing wrong with olive oil. In fact, we love it. But did you know that when you heat most oils at high temperatures, you change their molecular structures, causing free radicals? And that free radicals have been linked to heart disease and cancer? Well, we knew that (we’re really smart), so a lot of our recipes call for coconut oil instead. Yeah, you may have to go to the health food store to buy it, but isn’t a trip to the health food store better than a trip to the Emergency Room?

So if you come across a few ingredients that irritate you: Don’t hate. Appreciate. We love you and we want you to enjoy food and be healthy. We have a glossary in the back to explain some of the funky stuff. So quit your bitching, restock your cabinets, and get cookin’.

(Don’t worry though — there are some naughty, crappy ingredients in here, too.)

Excerpted from "Skinny Bitch in the Kitch," by Kim Barnouin and Rory Freedman. Copyright 2007. Reprinted with permission of Running Press paperback.