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And so many laughs!
Why all the mixed emotions? Well, as the narrator of the spoof promises, it not only features "the most crying on TV," but also "the most onions on TV."
Which also explains why the clip is called "This Is Onions."
Together, the perfectly happy duo cry over their cutting boards, sob into their root vegetables and wail over mundane topics like Hartley's "real father" — that is, until they flash forward to the future and a gray-haired Hartley finds something to really get upset about.
"I have some terrible news," he says. "You know that old slow cooker that we got from our neighbors?"
"You left it on all day. OK, It kept getting hotter and hotter. And the kids — well, the kids were home alone," he says.
"What happened?!" DeGeneres' character wails.
"You forgot to put the onions in," he announces. "It's gonna taste like garbage!"
It could've been worse, of course — just ask Jack — but a bland dinner is certainly worth some waterworks.