Okay, everyone, it’s results night, which means that, if you don’t like it, it’s all your fault. And you thought personal responsibility was dead and gone in this day and age. Go figure. Actually, since the judges step in and pick the worst of the worst, it’s not entirely your fault. But still.
The opening number is like a 21st century episode of “Solid Gold,” which is sort of cute, at least until Melinda gets her solo moment and tosses in some hopelessly out of place tap dance moves, sans tap shoes, which just makes me think, yeah, I won’t cry if she goes home, honestly. Even though I’d love to see her dance other genres, if her walking the plank means I don’t have to see a single tap routine for the rest of the season, I can live with that.
I’ll admit it, I’d be more impressed with tap dancing if talking pictures had just been invented, but unfortunately, all that arm flapping and shuffling around just looks hopelessly dated. I mean, Al Jolson was talented, too, but that doesn’t mean I want to watch old footage of him mugging in black face, either.
Because results episodes are all about the judges plugging their personal agendas, Nigel informs us July 31st is National Dance Day. We’re all supposed to get up and move on that day. So, mark your calendars, as you will be expected to get off your ass by… someone.
Unfortunately, I think National Dance Day is kind of like Checkers Day or National Date Nut Bread Day (those are real, people) in that it probably seemed like a good idea at the time, but when you consider most people can’t remember to pay their bills on time, it’s not that likely they’re going to remember to learn some salsa steps at the end of July.
Alex
Alex is first to face the chopping block. He’s nervous. Relax, Alex, you’re not going home. You made the judges cry, come on, there might be rioting in the streets if you go home. And… he’s safe. Duh.
Robert
The judges loved Robert. But did America? Yes, yes they did. It’s cute when he leaps up and down and runs around the stage. At this point in the competition, everyone still has lots of energy and the novelty of surviving another week is still fresh. In a few weeks, the dancers will be grimly awaiting their fates with the steely reserve of P.O.W.s.
Lauren
Nigel said she was as safe as Kobe Bryant in the Lakers. Was he right? Hmm, we’ll find out after Cat talks to Kent. Psych!
Kent
Adam said Kent was like a little kid dancing in the lion cage. Or something that implied he mostly liked it. But will Kent survive? Cat seems to enjoy drawing out the agony a little too much, but it seems a little sadism is useful for reality show hosts.
Kent is… safe. And so is Lauren. And there’s generally a lot of screaming and freaking out. We cut to a commercial break on a high note, at least.
We’re back. Time for more results!
Melinda
I’m almost sure she’s in the bottom three. The judges did not love her. And… neither did the voters. She’s in the bottom three.
The judges take a moment to pile on Melinda. Nigel blames the routine, and says she isn’t warm, vulnerable or honest. Wow, that wasn’t horrible or anything. And yet Melinda just keeps smiling, which makes me think Nigel might have a point. Oh, great, she’s going to tap for her life. Nooooo!
Billy
The judges loved him except for his characterization, but there’s no way he’s in the bottom. He’s too much of a fan favorite. And, you know, he’s one hell of a dancer. And yes, he’s safe.
Ashley
Again, another good dancer, but I’m not sure if she’s safe or not. I wonder if, as the judges didn’t connect with her, if voters didn’t, either. But we have to wait for Alexie’s rewind first.
Alexie
Alexie is cute. That might be enough to save her, though.
Ashley and Alexie on the block… and Alexie is in the bottom three. Huh. I mean, with so few dancers and everyone performing at such a high standard, I can’t say I’m surprised by anyone ending up in the three. But I would have thought Alexie’s four attempts to get on the show might bolster her fan base.
Time for the judges to kick a dancer while she’s down! Mia says cute will only take her so far, and tells Alexie she didn’t put everything into her performance. It’s time to download. Which sounds liker a euphemism for some gross bodily function, but apparently isn’t.
Jose
Judges loved him, he’s super smiley and he’s the only B-boy, so hmm, let me guess. He’s safe. Duh.
Adechike
I hate to say it, but I think his cold fish performance with Katherine is going to come back to haunt him. But wait, we talk to Cristina first.
Cristina
She nailed the contemporary routine, so I’m guessing Adechike should worry.
Between Adechike and Cristina… Cristina is in the bottom three? Seriously? Adechike fell flat last night while Cristina rocked the socks of the judges and, I thought, the audience. But go figure. Not that she’s going home anyway, as I’m pretty sure she’ll pull out a salsa to dance for her life and the judges won’t be able to send her home if they want to.
When we return from commercial to a Twyla Tharp choreographed scene from the Broadway show “Come Fly Away.” It’s incredible dancing, which is saying something, because Frank Sinatra tunes usually make me want to drink something with an olive in it at some seedy bar or take a nap.
Cat has to tell the judges to break it up, as they’re doing something that looks vaguely troublesome as she tries to introduce Melinda. I have to say, it seems like everyone’s having a lot more fun now that Mary Murphy and her hot tamale train have left the building. Not that I didn’t love the hot tamale train, but I got a little tired of having to mute the TV every time she started screaming.
Time for Melinda to dance for her life. Sorry, but this just looks ungainly and if I didn’t know better, I’d think she was having a seizure, which means it’s probably very successful as a tap dance routine, but just makes the case for not including it in the show a lot stronger, if you ask me.
Alexie is more successful. She’s still a little smiley, but this definitely isn’t cute. But I do wonder how soon she might be going home, as she’s a solid dancer, but in this pack pretty unremarkable. It’s a shame she didn’t get onto the show a few seasons back, because she might have had more of a fighting chance without Alex and Billy leading the charge to the finals.
Time for Cristina’s dance. And as expected, she brings the Latin dancing and a hell of a lot more enthusiasm than either Melinda or Alexie, honestly. Considering how much the judges have emphasized the importance of “filling in the spaces” between the choreography, it’s pretty clear she’s the only one who’s definitely safe.
Usher performs “OMG” and, have to say, he’s a better fit for “SYTYCD” than some previous guests, as he actually knows how to dance and doesn’t just stand there while his backup dancers dance around him. I’m still not clear as to why he starts the routine dancing on a Technicolor abacus, but hey, good for him.
And then we have the world premiere of the Usher and Justin Bieber video of “Somebody to Love.” I really wish I hadn’t just seen that story about the 27-year-old woman who got mistaken for Justin Bieber at a bar this week, because it makes it a little hard to watch this without thinking he’s a 27-year-old lesbian. Although I would suggest to the woman in question that she might want to change her haircut to something less Bierbersque, as she might find herself dangerously swarmed by tweens if she isn’t careful. Anyway, it’s exciting to see this video simply because music videos don’t actually air on television anymore. So, there’s that.
Oooh, time for the judges to announce their decision. Nigel says they’re unanimous. He asks Melinda to step forward. He likes the tap, but tells her she needs to bring some fire. Uh-oh, I’m thinking Alexie may be in trouble. Nigel says Cristina blew her steps, but she’s the one who brought the fire. Nigel tells Alexie she was contained in her movement, but needs to dance to the extent of her movement, and she was juvenile, which has got to hurt, as she’s the oldest in the group.
And… Alexie is going home. Waah! Adam and Mia tell Alexie she’s definitely going to work. Alexie is all smiles, while the rest of the cast cries like they’re at a family funeral. Poor Alexie. I’m not sure she was the right choice to go home first, as Melinda’s arm flapping seemed far more questionable to me, but it was pretty clear she was going home sooner rather than later, so it’s not a complete tragedy. And the good news is, I think she will work. And she should be pretty pleased with herself that she made it onto the toughest season of “SYTYCD” I think we’ve ever seen. Truly, the big bummer is, if this week is any indication, the girls are going to get picked off first.