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Doing the backstroke on ‘Weeds’

Yay! Weeds! Man, I missed this show. Last time we saw Agrestic, it was like this: Nancy had sixteen guns pointed at her head by both U-Turn and the less-than-neighborly Keshisyan group, and no pot to give any of them. Peter was dead outside, thank the Lord, and adorable Sanjay  was in the grow house closet. Pouting worthless Silas had absconded with all the pot and was pulled over by cops and the
/ Source: Television Without Pity.com

Yay! Weeds! Man, I missed this show. Last time we saw Agrestic, it was like this: Nancy had sixteen guns pointed at her head by both U-Turn and the less-than-neighborly Keshisyan group, and no pot to give any of them. Peter was dead outside, thank the Lord, and adorable Sanjay  was in the grow house closet. Pouting worthless Silas had absconded with all the pot and was pulled over by cops and the more-than-usually insane Celia. Shane and Kat were in a high-speed chase with her bounty hunter Abumchuk, joined by Andy. Huskaroos continued to rule unabated.

Now: An overexcited mommy of a complainy family grew up in the grow house apparently, and because of complainy daughter's complainy bladder, they just let themselves right in. This is why you must forget your past and all that goes with it: nostalgia leads to things like bumbling into the middle of drug deals gone astoundingly south. All the angry drug dealer people hide their guns when the little girl stumbles into the kitchen, having missed her shot. U-Turn gets chatty with the Complainers, but really he is threatening them with death. Nancy begs with her eyeballs for them to help out with her situation, but the Complainers just want to bug out. U-Turn offers them the chance to hit the "reset button" and they leave, the little girl waving happily on her way out. They chorus a goodbye and then turn their guns back on Nancy and each other. Many redundant playground F-bombs are dropped until Conrad points out that they are screwed until the pot reappears. Nancy dials out again but can't get a signal; the entire house groans together in exasperation.

Celia strides up to Silas and the cops, screaming about his various vandalism behaviors related to her Drug-Free initiative. Much bavardage occurs in which Celia gets the keys to Silas's car and spits in his face about his total worthlessness. That part was tight. The Silas Takedown should be part of her daily regimen.

Nancy searches for bars all around the kitchen while the Armenians and U-Turn people chat; Silas's phone rings and Celia answers from the car. Celia delights in telling Nancy her awful son has been arrested, like the frenemy crap even signifies right now, and Nancy hangs up, telling the assembled dealers that they need to bounce and go find Celia. She promises to locate the pot and Conrad offers to stand as collateral. Each of the interested parties sends a person with her -- no raping, Keshisyan yuckily explains to his guy -- and Conrad settles in to wait, as ever, on Nancy's issues. I swear Conrad is the only person that ever takes anything seriously. Problem is, he takes everything seriously. He's my hero.

Andy waits for Abumchuk to zip up on the side of the road, while calling in an amber alert on Shane; Abumchuk threatens to wipe his ass with Andy if his bounty on Kat is disrupted.

Kat introduces Shane to her hot new trucker boyfriend Bear. He's really tall, you can't miss him. (Zing!) Kat spins the crazy wheel inside her head and informs Shane that he can drive the van wherever he wants -- she's hitching a ride to Mexico with Bear. Shane is 12, you know. So Shane begs that she at least teach him to drive, but Bear's on a schedule and she doesn't have time. Shane corrects Bear's Latin and Bear calls him a dweeb, pissing him off. Kat leans in all sexy and awesome: "I know that this must be rough, but I think you can use this as an opportunity...to learn that you should always keep an up-to-date passport on your person at all times!" She's so amazing. She gives him $13 in change ("liberated" from the restroom tampon machine) and promises to be hot when they meet again: "You'll be taller, and I think that you're going to do some really interesting things with your facial hair. I just see it." I could happily just transcribe Kat's dialogue for the rest of my life, into a unicorn Trapper Keeper. But all good things must eventually go to Mexico, so with one last heart hug, she's gone.

Nancy promises her errand partners that they're looking for "a criminal just like us," in this case her incarcerated son, and gets sucked into a discussion of her relationship with Conrad. She admits that having guns pointed at your head and your rogue DEA agent screaming at you and getting murdered is not the best time to process your crush kisses, requited or otherwise. Angry Armenian guy is not interested in the dish. Me neither, frankly. If Nancy and Conrad get together, I don't know what I'll do. Can't she have like even one friend?

Shane teaches himself to drive in the back of the diner, while sitting on a pile of phone books, six-packs of soda taped to his foot. It's faintly adorable.

Nancy sits with Silas at the police station and admits that she dropped him on his head when he was about 15 months old after he exuberantly kicked her in the eye. She's kind of impressed how he guessed the safe combo (maiden name) and admits to him that she desperately needs to know where the "dry cleaning" is. "My boss is going to shoot me dead," she says, and he finally grasps what she means. They freak out together engagingly about how Celia is now driving Nancy's and Conrad's lives around in Silas's trunk. Silas snits, "Can't your husband help you out of this?" She fugues out big time for a second but doesn't bother explaining that Peter's dead. Too real. Nancy leaves Silas at the station, to keep tabs on him; thankfully, she doesn't notice Shane's Amber Alert on the wall above Silas's head. This scene is like the only time I haven't wanted to smack Silas with something heavy, and that's only because Nancy just did.

Andy continues to put Nancy off about having misplaced Shane, and then he and Abumchuk learn how Shane drove the van around for an hour behind the diner before he took off. Abumchuk continues to ask questions about the Kat bounty, and after much harassment finally tells Andy how much the constant Eskimo jokes bother him. Andy of course can't help himself and calls him Nanook, earning himself a bloody nose. Abumchuk out.

The drug guys chat and bitch at each other for awhile and it's not that interesting or funny. U-Turn offers the other guys $100,000 (half their investment) to take off. Conrad freaks, but the Armenians are feeling it.

Nancy can't get ahold of Celia, not to mention that her Armenian minder lights up a cigarette in her car on top of everything else. They discuss her hybrid's mileage and sit very still. Smoker guy gets the call from Keshisyan and takes off without a word. U-Turn's representative is convinced the car is set to blow, so he and Nancy back up off it, but then U-Turn calls him and says that both Nancy's ass and grass are now his, having bought off the Armenians. If she doesn't turn up the pot soon, he's gonna have to shoot her in the pretty head.

There's kind of a neat parallel here with the Sexy Mama weed, where it's simultaneously screwing up both her regular Nancy life and her drug dealer Lacy LaPlante life. It's an emotional MacGuffin on the Agrestic side, where both Silas and Celia are basically trying to force Nancy to love them using the pot, while on the grow house side, it's just this menacing lack that is threatening everybody's actual physical lives by its absence. So instead of the pot eroding chunks out of her Nancy life, like in the first season, it's now working backwards, and all her real-life people are taking dangerous chunks out of her Lacy life by using it — the exact same commodity — for their emotional blackmail. Which they only feel is necessary because she spent the entire second season retreating into Lacey altogether because she couldn't find a balance. I never thought they'd be able to find yet another fresh way to play Lacy and Nancy off each other, but it's just a brilliant reversion. Kinda tells you everything about where she's at right now, doesn't it? Considering Nancy doesn't even KNOW that her child is now wandering the world with $13 in tampon money?

Andy finds Shane's van, now abandoned; Nancy's back in Agrestic outside Celia's house with U-Turn's representative. They Nancy Drew around trying to find Celia, who's still complaining  about having to fill up Silas's tank. They find the car and pop the trunk: it's empty. Nancy almost starts crying; she calls Silas's phone and finds Celia drunk in Nancy's backyard. And that's where they learn that Celia, for Nancy's own good, has dumped the entire crop in the pool.

So of the eight things in the air at our last cliffhanger, we've successfully resolved ... one. Maybe two. And then introduced a much hairier one, in the last few seconds. Questions: Is there now anybody in the entire state of California that doesn't know Nancy's a drug dealer? Will Silas finally do something worthwhile in his whole stupid life? When will Sanjay come out of the closet? Where are Heylia and Vaneeta? Can Kat please have her own spinoff series where she goes around doing things and talking all crazy? Can we call an embargo on stunt-casting pot-culture luminaries from here on out? Is Nancy honestly that bothered that horrible Peter finally croaked? Can Judah possibly play more dead dudes? Is this show now like “24”? I'm tired of cliffhangers and no Heylia. I think it's about time for Nancy to let Lacy take over for awhile. Hopefully next week we'll get everybody nudged back into place.