IE 11 is not supported. For an optimal experience visit our site on another browser.

Divining the truth about Jen and Vince

If their publicists won’t tell us whether they're engaged, maybe the Ouija board will. Ree Hines and Helen Popkin seek answers.
/ Source: msnbc.com contributors

They're an item. They're not an item. They won't say. They're engaged. Their publicists deny it. But, then again, they would deny it.

Since when can anyone trust the statements coming out of camp Vaughniston? And that’s the problem. In the early days of the alleged romance between Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston, the stars and their PR peeps claimed there was no romance. Now that engagement rumors are swirling around them, who knows what to believe? Perhaps we can put an end to the debate by consulting a series of time-tested divination tools.

Yes, the same scientific fortune-telling devices we relied upon in middle school to predict which classmates we would marry, how many kids we’d have or if we’d live in a mansion, apartment, shack or house can now ease our minds when it comes to celebrity matrimony. Is that a rock on Jen’s finger? Is Vince finally ready to settle down? Let the oracles be our guide.

TAROT
Ree: Eschewing the traditional and time-consuming method of multi-card layouts, we opt for the Miss Cleo approach, in which the “seeker” pulls a single card from a shuffled tarot deck and pretends to be able to interpret its meaning. Okay Helen, you’re up first.

Helen: That’s it! I’ve drawn the “Lovers” card. See, the card shows a couple reaching out to one another as if to form a union. Vince and Jen are totally getting hitched!

Ree: Ha! I’ve drawn the “Fool” card, and I believe you’ve spoken too soon. This card portrays a man about to make a huge mistake by stepping off a cliff. Vince knows that marriage would be the wrong move for him, so no engagement.

Helen: You don’t know! That card could mean that Vince is a master of the pratfall. Which he is. Or maybe he should avoid taking a dive by starring in “Dodgeball II.”

MAGIC 8 BALL
Ree: Following manufacturer’s instructions, we think of a question: “Are Vince and Jen really, truly, undeniably engaged?” Placing the ball firmly between our hands, we shake it vigorously and then turn it over to reveal the answer.

Magic 8 Ball: Ask again later.

Helen: Out of respect for the sanctity of this experiment, we choose to wait an appropriate amount of time before again consulting Magic 8 Ball.

OUIJA BOARDRee: Keeping with tradition, we’ve lit a candle and turned down the lights. Again following manufacturer’s instructions, we balance the Ouija board on our knees and place the heart-shaped planchette (aka the pointer thingy) on the board, resting our fingers lightly upon it so that it may move freely and easily. Then we ask our question: “Are Vince and Jen engaged, or what?”

Helen: Ask for Captain Howdy! You know, Regan’s Ouija board buddy from “The Exorcist.” He seemed pretty reliable ...

Ree: OMG! Stop freaking me out.

Helen: Wait, look! It’s spelling something.

Ree: You’re totally moving it.

Helen: No I’m not! Captain Howdy? Are you with us?

Captain Howdy: W-H-A-T-U-P L-A-D-I-E-S

Ree: STOP IT!

Helen: Captain Howdy, are Vince and Jen getting married?

Ree: Stop saying “Captain Howdy!”

Captain Howdy: V-A-U-G-H-N-I-S-T ...

Ree: This is stupid! I’m outta here ...

Helen: Wait! Don’t you want to ask Captain Howdy when you’re going to die?

MAGIC 8 BALL 2.0
Helen: Oh Magic 8 Ball, share with us your infinite wisdom.

Magic 8 Ball: Reply hazy. Try again.

Helen: Okay Magic 8 Ball, how about now?

Ree: You’re not doing it right!You’re supposed to think of the specific question while you’re shaking it. Like this: “Oh Magic 8 Ball, are there wedding bells for Vince and Jen?”

Magic 8 Ball: Better not to tell you now.

Helen: I think it’s broken.

ORIGAMI FORTUNE TELLERRee: You know it’s called a Cootie Catcher, right?

Helen: That’s stupid. Why would it be called a Cootie Catcher when you’re not so much catching cooties as you are predicting the future?

Ree: I’m just saying that’s what they’re called. Google backs me up on this. There are 54,800 results for the phrase “Cootie Catcher” and only 406 for “Origami Fortune Teller.”

Helen: Yes, but when you typed in the search for “Origami Fortune Teller,” did Google ask, “Did you mean Cootie Catcher?” No? I rest my case.

Ree: So anyway…we made a Cootie Catcher from a standard sheet of college-ruled notebook paper, folding the four corners inward, flipping it over and folding four corners again.

Helen: On each of the outside flaps of the Origami Fortune Teller, I’ve written a color. On each of the eight inside flaps, I’ve written the name of an Aniston film flop. Ree, pick a color.

Ree: Brown — the color of Vince Vaughn’s eyes.

Helen: Now I open and close the Origami Fortune Teller one time for each letter — B-R-O-W-N. Now pick a movie.

Ree: “Along Came Polly”

Helen: A-L-O-N…blah, blah, blah. Open a flap, and the answer will be revealed.

Ree: “Ask again later.” Why did we even bother making a Cootie Catcher if you weren’t going to write in real answers? This doesn’t help at all.

Helen: Hey, I’m just trying to keep it real.

MAGIC 8 BALL 3.0Magic 8 Ball: Outlook not so good.

Helen: I refuse to believe that! I told you it’s broken!

Ree: Gross! It’s leaking.

COIN TOSSRee: Here’s how this works. We’re just going to ask the question. Heads equals yes. Tails equals no. Nothing to break. Nothing to interpret. Nothing a publicist can deny.

Helen: Ready?

Ree: Flip.

Helen: Look! It landed on the Ouija Board!

Ree: I’m not going over there. You check it.

Helen: Heads it is!

Ree: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s official. We have irrefutable coin-based confirmation. The Vaughniston engagement is on!

Helen: Now let’s ask Captain Howdy how long the marriage will last.

Helen A.S. Popkin and Ree Hines would like to remind readers that dabbling in the occult is not a game and should be practiced only by professional mediums, middle-school students and entertainment journalists.