What happened? During this first results show, the men learned their fate first. It came down to Ashley Hamilton and Michael Irvin, and to the surprise of absolutely nobody, Ashley was the first to go. Given his low fame level, Ashley could only have survived if he had been a great dancer, and instead, he was a terrible dancer.
On the women's side, it was down to Macy Gray and Kathy Ireland, and Macy wound up getting the boot she earned on Tuesday night. In her painfully awkward exit interview, Macy made it clear that she didn't care a whit, while her partner Jonathan Roberts tried his best to seem gracious.
America's new sweetheart: The encore dance went to Kelly Osbourne, whose lovely Viennese waltz shocked just about everyone — and thrilled her parents — on Tuesday night. She looked perhaps even a little better on Wednesday, carrying the confidence that comes from having already done well once. And she was still looking to improve, because at the end of the dance, the first words out of her mouth to her partner, Louis van Amstel, were an elated "I didn't take my foot off the floor!" (Tuesday night, she had, and Carrie Ann Inaba deducted a point for it.) After Tuesday's dance, Kelly ran to hug her parents, and on Wednesday's show, she said "I've done so many naughty things that nothing I could do would shock them … except for this."
Still sad: The most potentially painful moment in the results show was a tribute to Patrick Swayze, who died Sept. 14 after a long career in both acting and dance. It was a valiant attempt, but hearing the "Dancing" band sing "She's Like The Wind" was a strange start, and a dance interpretation of the "Ghost" potter's-wheel scene was even odder. The reenactment of the high-energy "Dirty Dancing" finale was fine and clearly heartfelt, but it all seemed vastly inferior to just watching scenes of Patrick Swayze dancing.
Special segments, sort of: The "Loser's Club" comedy segment, a new one this season, featured Jeffrey Ross, Penn Jillette, and Kenny Mayne, all eliminated first in the seasons in which they competed. It wasn't especially funny, but Kenny hasn't lost his knack for projecting a perfect caricature of barely concealed rage over his "Dancing" experience. Adam Carolla also returned for a segment in which he played a blowhard coach telling the men to take the trophy back from recent female champions, but that one is better forgotten.
Live and on stage: Performances from Sean Kingston and the cast of "The Lion King" were added to the mix, and they were better than average, as needed filler goes. The "Lion King" performance, in particular, was impressive — if you've never seen the way the Broadway show depicts the animals, it's a treat to look at the ingenuity that's employed in transforming dancers into elephants and gazelles. It didn't have a whole lot to do with "Dancing With The Stars," but that's hardly unusual.
Linda Holmes is a frequent contributor to msnbc.com