Pop star Britney Spears got married Saturday night to dancer Kevin Federline. This is her second walk down the aisle in nine months. Britney is 22. If she continues at this rate, she will have tied the knot 39 times by the time she hits the age of 50. Nothing says “family values” more than 39 marriages — unless, of course, they involve the same bride.
That’s 39 caterers, 39 rings, 39 maids of honor, 39 undisclosed locations teeming with paparazzi, 39 exclusive sets of photos available to the highest bidder, and 39 wedding nights. That last one might sound like fun, but I bet that by No. 18 or so, she starts to call husbands by the wrong names.
But in my heart of hearts, I believe it will never come to that. I believe in this holiest of unions, despite the high turnover rate. I know that this time, Britney’s nuptials will last forever, or at least beyond her first union, which lasted 55 hours, which for her might seem like forever.
There are strong indications that this one is the real deal.
In January, Britney married Jason Alexander. No, not the quirky bald guy from “Seinfeld,” although as it turned out, this was a wedding about nothing. This Jason Alexander was a childhood friend from their days at Hooterville High. When they got hitched in Las Vegas, Britney wore a baseball cap and torn jeans and was escorted by a casino limousine driver. At the time, I thought that ceremony might be some kind of Hollywood Kabbalah thing, but I was told later that without a lesbian kiss from Madonna, it couldn’t be considered official.
On Saturday, Britney and Kevin took a more traditional approach. She wore a strapless white dress by Monique L’Huillier. The choice is important, because it supports the theory that the more distinguished the designer, the more likely the public will forget that she shouldn’t be wearing white in the first place.
Kevin donned a custom-made monkey suit. Some purists don’t like that term and prefer “tuxedo.” But trust me, after she leads him along to one public appearance after another, asking him to perform for media and fans, he’ll understand that I was right the first time.
The ceremony itself took place at a private residence in Studio City, Calif. Details were a little sketchy. Star magazine reported that the home belonged to the tailor who made Kevin’s tux, as well as those for the other men in the wedding party. This explains why all the guys had little white chalk marks and pins on their cuffs and sleeves. The involvement of a tailor could represent the couple’s joining together by an inseparable bond destined to endure. Or it could just mean that the home of the pastry chef was unavailable.
Family members were fooled, according to Access Hollywood’s web site, by Britney’s younger sister Jamie Lynn and their mother, Lynn. They told everyone the wedding was actually an “engagement dinner,” and that Jamie Lynn dyed her hair back to its original color of brown and was eager to surprise Britney with it. This tells me that Britney’s nuptials were grounded in the same solid, wholesome values common to all American marriages. What wedding isn’t complete without an insanely jealous sister doing whatever she can to upstage the bride?
Sky's the limit for lovebirdsWhat wasn’t clear from news reports is whether Kevin’s two children were able to attend. He has a two-year-old and a newborn from a relationship with actress Shar Jackson of TV’s “Moesha.” I know that affairs of the heart are complicated, so I won’t judge. I know that Shar was pregnant when Kevin was faced with the agonizing choice of remaining with the mother of his two offspring or leaping on the Britney Spears gravy train.
Just because he chose the latter doesn’t make him a gold-digging cad. He may truly love Britney, and her family, and her career, and her unending revenue stream. The decision for Kevin came down to either taking care of bratty kids, or marrying one.
Kevin is 26 and Britney is 22. Usually when a celebrity is 22 and enters into wedlock, eyebrows are raised. The public begins to suspect that the marriage will have a detrimental effect on her career. I don’t think that’s necessarily the case. I think there’s a great chance her career will end before the marriage. If you’ve ever seen her in “Crossroads,” you know what I mean.
But on the bright side, this can only help Kevin’s career. One of his claims to fame is an appearance in the movie, “You Got Served,” which is about two friends who try to win their city’s dance contest. Kevin is listed in the credits as “dancer.” If you don’t think marrying Britney will give Kevin’s career a boost, then go take a look at Tom Arnold’s credits after he married Roseanne. He would have never worked his way up to “Soul Plane” if it wasn’t for her, so the sky’s the limit for Kevin.
And I can only hope that these two lovebirds decide it’s time to settle down and raise a couple of rug rats. They’re obviously in this for keeps, so why not? I can see Britney in her living room, barefoot and pregnant, wrapped in a bathrobe, sitting on the sofa eating buffalo wings, cackling uproariously over an episode of “Extreme Makeover.”
At that point, Kevin would ask himself two questions: “Why did I ever agree to sign a pre-nup?” and “I wonder what Christina Aguilera is doing these days?”
Michael Ventre is a frequent contributor to MSNBC.com. He lives in Los Angeles.