Pop Culture

Britney to kids: You’re both mistakes!

With the custody battle heating up between Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, the pop tart’s momma skills are under a huge microscope. And maybe they should be, given an upcoming Star exposé. Revealing intel gleaned from the affidavits of three of Britney’s former employees, an unnamed source spilled the goods or, in this case the very bads, to the magazine.

Apparently, when Brit isn’t busy filling the kids full of their favorite caffeinated concoctions, including coffee, “she also lets them sit in soiled diapers for hours until someone else changes them,” the source told Star. “And she keeps both children up late at night to ensure they sleep late — this includes waking them up if they fall asleep before 11 p.m.” No wonder they need so much coffee!

As for her other child-care foibles, Star’s source says, “she tried to whiten (Sean Preston’s) teeth using Crest Whitestrips, but he kept crying.  Finally, Britney threw the strips away, telling Sean, ‘Fine, you’ll just have ugly teeth then!’”

By far the most explosive revelation featured in the Star report is how BritBrit speaks to her brood. “When Britney is upset, she yells and screams at the boys and once told them, ‘You were both mistakes!’  She’s called them ‘burdens, a pain in the ass and the reason (your) father left,’” claims the source.

OK, not exactly mother of the year material, but before all her parenting skills are impugned, it’s only fair to make a mention when Brit gets it right. TMZ.com spotted the 25-year-old mommy taking the tykes out for dinner at a trendy L.A. eatery, rebuking paparazzi for following them into the bathroom and even putting little Jayden James in his car seat — the right way around. See, it’s the little things that completely flip one’s image. Or, at least, Brit better hope so.

In defense of Fed-Ex?!Is it any wonder Britney’s family is pro-Federline? TMZ recently reported a Mrs. Mama Spears/Federline alliance aimed at getting Britney back into rehab. And according to Life & Style magazine, Brit’s little sis Jamie Lynn is crankier than a cornered possum on account of big sis’s refusal to clean up her act.

At the tender age of 16, Jamie Lynn may be more together than her 25-year-old elder. According to a Life & Style insider, the teenager told BritBrit that she’s brought this whole child custody battle on herself. “You wanted those babies, and look what you’re doing!” Life & Style quotes Jamie Lynn. “I’m glad Kevin’s going to take them!”

And it looks like K-Fed’s already prepared for the takeover. “The house is child-proof, except for the recording studio,” a source told 24Sizzler.com. And unlike their crazy mama, Jayden James and Sean Preston’s papa has changed his partying ways, reports the gossip Web site. “In like just the past year, he’s gone mature. It’s like pulling teeth to get him to go out now. He doesn’t want to go out. He just wants to stay home with the kids.”

Then there are those who suspect it’s all an act. TMZ reports that sources connected with the custody battle say Fed-Ex’s legal filings are more about money than mature parenting. Posing the million-dollar question that perhaps only Shar Jackson (Kevy’s other Baby Mama) can answer, TMZ asks this: Why the sudden panic over kiddy welfare after an almost three-month absence from their lives?

According to TMZ, Britney’s been begging her Fed-Ex to keep in touch over parenting issues, but her sperm donor hasn’t answered the call. The Web site reports rumors that the deposition notice Britney received from Kevin’s lawyer is all about the Benjamins — with nary a mention of Jayden or Sean Preston. Shocking!

But Britney and her cousin/former assistant aren’t the only ones who got served. K-Fed’s lawyer continues to send out deposition notices like Christmas cards. TMZ reports the next recipient is most likely another former assistant, Shannon Funk. This doesn’t bode well for Britney. Shannon was the assistant du jour the day of Britney’s OK! Magazine photo shoot debacle, when Brit used couture alternately as a fried chicken nap and doggie weewee pad. According to TMZ, Shannon is also OK’s secret source on its unflattering Britney expose. Apparently, “mums the word” is not her motto.

Brit on the fly ...Still hiding her self-shorn locks from public view, TMZ.com cameras caught a wigged and capped Britney shopping for yet another new mane. She handled several hanks of hair before deciding which faux fur was worthy of making a public spectacle. Better wigs than more mini pups! … Our girl may be a trainwreck who walks out of her own photo shoots, but that doesn’t mean she’s unemployable. Mark Malkin (of E!) claims Miss Spears may just get the opening spot in the upcoming MTV Video Music Awards. But there’s still plenty of time for her to back out before the September 9 VMA date. … Once again TMZ cameras were on the scene to catch Brit in action, as the pop princess pleaded for a Fanta soda at a fast food drive-through. The person who took her order spoke with a Spanish accent, and Britney, in a bizarre effort to be understood, responded in one, too. El Fanta, por favor, y’all!

Tabloid Tidbits is compiled by Helen A.S. Popkin and Ree Hines.

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