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The 2003 Scoopie Awards

The good, the bad, and the gossipy
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Ah, 2003! What a year!

Or at least it seemed that way. It’s been hard to tell this year what’s real and what isn’t real, as reality TV took over the airwaves.

Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie’s reality show “The Simple Life” outperformed George Bush’s post-Saddam capture interview. But Paris’s simple life performance was upstaged by her porn life performance. Her publicist said she was deeply embarrassed, but some who know her said she was thrilled because it made her even more famous! Extra face time! (Well, maybe not face, but you get the idea.)

It was also a year when reality bit image in the behind. Tough talking anti-druggie Rush Limbaugh is a pill-head. Rapper Eminem’s racist lyrics were revealed. And some of those love matches made in reality TV romance land discovered that they don’t like each other so much when the cameras aren’t rolling. Which is what some nasty cynics have been saying about a couple of Hollywood’s hottest “romances.”

The year 2003 was a big year for returns. It was the return of the Michael Jackson scandal. “Return of the King” ruled at the box office. And Mr. “I’ll Be Back” became the governor of California

All in all, it was a year that will be remembered as one best forgotten. So, without further ado, Ladies and Gentlemen, Gossipers and Gosipees, the Brilliant Scoop Advisory board hereby brings you the winners of:

The 2003 Scoopie Awards

Booty of the Year Award:
Paris Hilton dethrones long-running queen J. Lo, as the hotel heiress’ private parts did bigger box office – no pun intended – than “Gigli.”

PICTURES OF THE YEAR 2003 - Britney Spears (L) gets a kiss on the mouth from Madonna during the opening act of the 2003 MTV Video Music Awards at the Radio City Music Hall in New York, August 28, 2003. REUTERS/Win McNameeWin Mcnamee / X00183

Hairy Hands Award:
Also to Britney, for her song “Touch of My Hand,” reportedly an ode to masturbation, which has the lyrics, “I touch myself, it’s not a sin.”

Illusionist Roy Horn was gravely injured on October 3, 2003, during the Siegfried and Roy performance at the Mirage in Las Vegas. A Siberian tiger named Montecore lunged at Horn and bit him on the neck. Horn fights for his life at University Medical Center in Las Vegas. Original Caption: L-R: Magicians Siegfried and Roy introduce three six-day-old white tiger cubs born at The Mirage, bringing the total of their exotic cat family to 58. White tigers almost extinct 50 years ago have since thrived with more than 200 around the world today.Chris Farina

Stonewall Gay Rights Award:
To Arnold Schwarzenegger, who declared that “gay marriage is something that should be between a man and a woman.”

** FILE ** Liza Minnelli, right, and her husband David Gest, pose for photographers in Hamburg, Germany, in this Dec. 8, 2002 file photo. (AP Photo/Christof Stache, File)Christof Stache / AP

A Man Only an Animal-Lover Could Love Award:
Wife-beating rocker Tommy Lee, after being dumped by animal rights activist Pamela Anderson, starts canoodling with PETA protestor Pink.

The Johnnie Cochran Award for Stunning Legal Chutzpah:
The Kabbalah Center, which tried to copyright the red string bracelets that Buddhists have been wearing for centuries.

The Johnnie Cochran Award for Stunning Legal Chutzpah, Runner Up:
Sony planned  to copyright the “Shock and Awe” war cry for a video game.

SAN FRANCISCO - OCTOBER 24: Author and political pundit Al Franken speaks at the Commonwealth Club October 24, 2003 in San Francisco. Franken is on a book tour promoting his new book \"Lies and The Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look At The Right.\" (Photo by Justin Sullivan/Getty Images)Justin Sullivan / Getty Images North America

Dershowitz Award for Most Meretricious Legal Reasoning, Runner-Up:
An obsessed Japanese fan, who courts had ruled was stalking Britney Spears, sued her for unspecified damages for causing “extreme distress” after she filed a restraining order against him.

** FILE ** Barbra Streisand presents the awards for best original song during the 75th annual Academy Awards on in this March 23, 2003 file photo, in Los Angeles. Streisand says one reason she gave up performing in public is that listening to her own songs is boring. ``I never listen to my records for maybe 10 years. Then I can appreciate it, but really, I just get sick of it. That's why I gave up concerts-in addition to having stage fright and the exertion of singing 30 songs a night,'' the 61-year-old singer tells Reader's Digest in its October 2003 issue. (AP Photo/Kevork Djansezian, File)Kevork Djanzezian / AP

The Barbra Streisand Hysterical Control Freak Award:
Catherine Zeta-Jones, who sued Hello magazine for running unflattering pictures of her and has threatened to sue any media outlet that reported she was on the Atkins diet.

LOS ANGELES - OCTOBER 25: (TABLOIDS OUT) Actress Catherine Zeta Jones attends the Walt Disney Concert Hall opening gala, day three of three, October 25, 2003 in Los Angeles, California. Tonight, \"Soundstage LA: An Inaugural Gala for Walt Dinsey Concert Hall,\" celebrates Hollywood as a creative state of mind. (Photo by Frazer Harrison/Getty Images for LAPA)Frazer Harrison / Getty Images North America

The Marie Antoinette Common Touch Award:
Catherine Zeta-Jones, testifying in the lawsuit she and hubby Michael Douglas filed against Hello, said “One million pounds is a lot of money maybe to people in this room, but not us."

The Retching Excess Award:
Ben Affleck who rather accurately explained the backlash against Bennifer by saying ,“When we were in the first heat of things, we were too willing to shoot our mouths off and everybody just got sick of us."

Weapons of Mass Distraction Award:
The Brits, who when illusionist David Blaine spent forty-four days in a plexiglass box above London, were so annoyed by the inane publicity stunt that they pelted him with eggs and paint, flashed their private parts, and beat drums so he couldn’t sleep.

NEW YORK - OCTOBER 29: Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards arrives at the band's \"Four Flicks\" DVD launch celebration at Capitale October 29, 2003 in New York City. (Photo by Evan Agostini/Getty Images)Evan Agostini / Getty Images North America

Humanitarian of the Year Award:
Busta Rhymes, who berated a fan for not standing during his performance. The rapper’s record label apologized when it was revealed that the fan was in a wheelchair.

Maybe God Didn’t Like the Casting Award:
Jim Caviezel, who stars as Jesus in Mel Gibson’s “Passion,” was struck by lighting during the filming. Assistant director Jan Michelini was also hit – for the second time during the shoot. A worker on the set told Variety: “I’m about a hundred feet away from them when I glance over and see smoke coming out of Caviezel’s ears.”

That’s it for 2003. It’s a wrap, folks. Happy New Year.

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