When I was pregnant with my first daughter, one of the things I most looked forward to was the beautiful tradition of reading her bedtime stories. I couldn’t wait to share some of the classics from my childhood like Eloise, Lyle Lyle Crocodile and The Red Balloon; who could resist Pascal and his loyal, red, air-filled friend? Cue record scratch. Sure a lot of the greats still hold up but others– some new, some classic –I find downright inappropriate. Babar the Elephant shacks up with an old lady and then leaves her to marry his cousin. I just didn’t remember it going down like that.
Some books are styled like kids’ books but obviously are parodies meant for an adult-only audience such as the runaway best seller, Go the F**k to Sleep or another one, which tells you what it is in the title, The Littlest Bitch: A Not-for-Children Children's Book.
Others are way more confusing. Here are just a few of the books clearly meant to be read for children that won’t be found on my kids’ nightstand anytime soon.
My Beautiful Mommy – This is a real book for children, children who I assume were born to the women of the Real Housewives franchise. It was written by a plastic surgeon (Dr. Salzhauer) to help kids understand their mommy’s physical transformation after a boatload of elective plastic surgery. I’m sad that this book exists let alone that any mother is reading it to their child to try to paint a big old happy face on their boob job. I can’t think of anything less appropriate to read to kids except maybe a book called, My Beautiful Baby: You’re Never Too Young for a New Nose.
Everybody Poops – What a huge lie. Not everyone poops (at least as much as they’d like). Why set our kids up for disappointment? Especially our girls. Why make them think that pooping is the most natural thing in the world when it’s patently untrue! For some of us there is a whole lot of fiber involved. And sometimes even that doesn’t help. I don’t want to talk about it anymore. Of course now that I’m already depressed I can bring up…
It Hurts When I Poop!: A Story For Children Who Are Scared to Use the Potty – Doesn’t that sound more like a 70’s horror classic? From the director of It Came From Below comes the infinitely creepier, It Hurts When I Poop. You’ll never look at a toilet the same way!
Never Smile at a Monkey – This book attempts to teach kids about the dangers of certain creatures…in the harshest way possible. Here’s a quote about every kid’s favorite sea creature. "NEVER jostle a jellyfish. A box jellyfish, that is. Most jellyfish can sting people, but….If you are unlucky enough to become really entangled with a box jellyfish, you can die very quickly." Have fun the next time you take the family to the beach!
There’s a Nightmare in My Closet – I remembered this one fondly from my childhood and couldn’t wait to read it again. And then I cracked it open. Hey kids, there’s a big scary monster in your closet! You may want to kill it with a gun! Do you have a gun? No? Uh oh, you’re out of luck! Goodnight!
The Giving Tree – Yes, I said The Giving Tree. The tree gives away everything it has -- apples, branches and trunk -- until it’s merely a stump and still it feels bad it can’t do more to show its love for a boy. What a charming tale of self-mutilating love. At least that’s what I get out of it. Different people seem to see different things in it. But I don’t think it should be open for interpretation; it’s a kid’s book, not a modern art exhibit!
That’s Not Your Mommy Anymore – Designed for children, with page after page of beautiful, colorful illustrations, this is a tale of a doting mommy who turns into a zombie with a taste for human flesh. What a great topic for a kid’s book! What to do when your mom wants to suck your brains through a straw! It says on Amazon that it’s not just for kids. Uh, no; it’s not for kids at all!
Love You Forever – In this bestseller, a mom loves her son so much that every night she rocks him to sleep and sings him a song. By every night, I mean when he’s a baby, young boy, teen-ager and an adult living in his own house. Of course since he’s living across town, the mom is forced to get in her car, bring a ladder and climb in through his window. I’m sure his wife loves this. I get the feeling there are Jewish moms reading this going, “What? I don’t see the problem with this!” If you have read this and loved it, it’s time to let go. Just my opinion.
What kids' books have you read that you think are inappropriate?
Stefanie Wilder-Taylor is a writer, mother, comedian and all-around really special person. Her latest book is "I'm Kind of a Big Deal," she blogs at Baby on Bored and she co-hosts The Parent Experiment.