Brittani Boren Leach opened up about the sadness she is feeling around her late son Crew's 1st birthday coming up and the "dread" of the next few months leading up to the anniversary of his death.
The YouTube star shared a tearful update on her Instagram story explaining how she has been struggling with emotional weight of her family's loss.
"His birthday is coming up in a few weeks and every single day that it gets closer, it kills me," she said. "And everybody's starting to decorate their house for fall, and that also kills me because after fall is Christmas, and I don't wanna decorate for Christmas. I just wanna skip over. I just want to go to January."
Crew, who was 3 months old, was found unresponsive during a nap on Christmas Day and died two days later.
"I knew that this time was gonna be really hard — I'm just afraid that it's gonna be like this all the way up until Christmas, that I live with such dread for the dates to come and I can't even live my life in the present," she said in her Instagram update.
During the two days he fought for his life, Leach shared photos while keeping vigil at her son's bedside. Leach proudly shared that they were able to donate her son's organs, saving two other lives.
"In three short months he has touched and changed more lives than most in their lifetime and despite the pain, I’m so proud God chose me to be his Mother," she said in January.
The YouTube star announced in May that she's expecting another child this December with her husband, Jeff. The couple are also parents to sons Carter, Cooper and Cash, as well as Sydney, Jeff's daughter from a previous relationship.
Leach said she worries about her anxiety levels parenting another newborn after the tragedy she experienced last year.
"I'm terrified that I will never sleep again, that I will never want to put him down, that my anxiety will be completely unmanageable," she said. "So if you want to know why I've been absent, why there's been a lot of sponsored content lately, that's because that's all I can get out right now."
One day after the heartfelt video, Leach shared another update thanking fans for the outpouring of love.
"You guys are so kind and I really appreciate reading all of those (messages) from you," she said. "The kindness definitely outweighs any negativity and I know that, so I just want to say thank you all."
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