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Teens and the secrets they keep

From Roni Cohen-Sandler, Ph.D. Teens have probably been keeping secrets from their parents since the beginning of time — it’s developmentally appropriate for them to have their own, separate experiences with their peer group — but modern technology makes it harder for mothers and fathers to keep kids safe. Thirteen year-olds, for example, can create whole different online personas that the

From Roni Cohen-Sandler, Ph.D. Teens have probably been keeping secrets from their parents since the beginning of time — it’s developmentally appropriate for them to have their own, separate experiences with their peer group — but modern technology makes it harder for mothers and fathers to keep kids safe. Thirteen year-olds, for example, can create whole different online personas that their parents know nothing about. Teens are often in contact with hundreds of Facebook “friends” they may have met briefly, if ever. By using their cell phones to talk or text rather than home phones, teens eliminate their parents’ ability to keep track of who their friends are and how often they speak. Although these social trends are not necessarily harmful, it is harder for today’s parents to know when they should be concerned. That is why it is more important than ever for parents to develop the closest, healthiest relationships possible with their teens. It is well-known that teens don’t divulge personal information simply because their parents want them to. Any mother or father who has endured the frustration of hearing grunts or monosyllabic answers in response to their most urgent questions knows this all too well. So if parents want their kids to come to them when they are confused, need information, or want a sounding board, they have to begin early conveying to their kids that they are trustworthy. That is because teens talk to their parents only when they feel safe. What makes them feel safe? Not always what their parents think! Many parents believe that becoming their teens’ friends and being seen as “cool” is the best way to get info about what their kids are up to. Some even neglect their roles as authority figures, as parents, to avoid upsetting their teens and jeopardizing the friendship. But teens see right through this strategy — and often exploit it. Parents have to earn their kids’ trust. Before teens open up about what is important to them, they want to know that their parents will listen to them, take them seriously, have their best interest at heart, and are likely to respond helpfully. Every teen makes these assessments. As a result, parents who want to remain close to their teens and feel assured their teen are safe would benefit from doing a bit of soul-searching about their own actions are perceived. Take the issue of privacy. To reveal personal information, teens have to know that their parents respect their privacy. That means being confident their parents are not going to go through their rooms or belongings, read their journals, or snoop into private parts of their lives. When it comes to e-mail and texts, parents must be upfront about what is considered public and private within the family so there are no misunderstandings. When parents ask questions about their kids’ peers, teens have to know they are not going to be “interrogated” about specifics just so their parents can stay in the loop or satisfy their curiosity. Teens honor the tacit rule of protecting each other’s privacy. So parents should be thoughtful about both the number and the kind of questions they ask. Being concerned about a child’s friends is different from being a gossip. Teens know the difference. Teens also need reassurance about how their parents will react if they divulge information. The last thing they want is to cause their parents to worry, flip out, or punish them — which are frequent knee-jerk reactions. After all, there is a fear that one wrong move or bad decision can ruin teens’ lives. So after hearing something potentially upsetting, it is important for parents to take a deep breath before responding. Yelling or punishing usually backfires. It is OK to say, “Let me think about this and get back to you.” Especially when there is “drama” in their social lives, teens need their parents to be voices of reason. Finally, teens need to trust that their parents trust them. This means refraining from making snap judgments or offering advice too quickly. Teens want to know that their parents have confidence in them to act more independently and solve some of their own problems. So parents should ask for facts before jumping to conclusions. Try, “What do you think you should do in this situation?” and, before giving unsolicited suggestions, “Do you want to hear my ideas?” This kind of approach encourages teens to risk exposing their vulnerabilities — and gives parents the chance to convey their values, support, and wisdom while keeping teens safe. Related stories: