For the past couple of years, Leandra Medine has chronicled her attempts to get pregnant, including fertility treatments from in vitro fertilization (IVF) to ovary stimulation to hypnosis. Last year, she wrote a moving essay about her miscarriage.
She has revealed the heartbreak she felt when other women shared news of their pregnancies. But now, Medine finds herself on the other end of that announcement.
"I thought a lot about how I would share this news and whether, frankly, I would share it at all," Medine wrote in an essay published Thursday on her website. "Here I had selfishly shunned those who announced their pregnancies, citing how it could ruin a perfectly good day or throw me into a 12-hour bed coma. When another afflicted woman would emerge on the better end — uterus full and all — I would feel betrayal. It was twisted."
"But now, because in some ways I have become a totem for infertility, a human talisman of despair for my comrades to lean on, I feel that I am the betrayer, and as a result, a twinge of shame and a bit of guilt and a lot of self-awareness neatly wrap my evolving pregnancy," she continued.
Medine ended her essay with a message to other women who might be struggling with infertility.
"Mostly, though, I feel frustration because I still don't know what to say to make it better," she wrote. "If you're going through it, I still want to be here for you. I haven't graduated from compassion. If there is anything I have learned, it is that no state of existence lasts forever. If you could remember a version of yourself who you loved, she's still in there and sometimes recognizing that is enough."
"I wish I could have believed (my husband) Abie when he said I would be happy again," she added. "I hope that you believe me when I say you will be, too."
Medine, 28, is best known as the creator of the popular fashion website, Man Repeller. She's 22 weeks pregnant, she revealed in the essay.