Capturing the perfect Christmas card photo is an art form, and right now, Jimmy Kimmel doesn't feel like much of an artist.
The late-night host and father of four recently attempted to convince his two youngest children — 4-year-old daughter, Jane, and 19-month-old son, Billy — to pose politely for a single yuletide pic. But after hundreds of tries, the beleaguered dad declared the effort "impossible."
"Trying to get them to sit still and smile and look vaguely in our direction at the same time is like trying to put a wetsuit onto a monkey and a baby pig," Kimmel told his audience Monday night. "It's impossible. I took no less than 400 photographs; I made faces; I made noises; I jumped around."
He even tried threats.
"I said, 'You're going to pay for your own college if you don't look here and smile,'" he recalled.
But after a couple of hours, he learned it was truly a lost cause.
"I was like, 'I think I got it,'" he said. "And then I went back to the computer and I was like, 'I did not get it. Not one.'"
Well, he managed to get several pics of typical toddler high jinks — from playful tongues-out poses to wrestling holds — but that wasn't really what he was looking for when it came to the annual holiday greeting card shot.
Since there's still no app to make "kids sit still and smile for three seconds," he and his wife, Molly McNearney, decided to give up on the family pic this year — at least the pic of their family.
"We'll get pictures of someone else's kids and send 'em," he announced.
And that's not the only Christmas tradition he's ready to give up on.
Last week, the funnyman grumbled about being responsible for the nightly adventures of his daughter's Elf on the Shelf.
"We're only three nights in," he said at the time. "We're already out of shelves to put him on. Last night I stuffed him in a tissue box."
His next plan? "I'm just gonna duct tape the Elf to a Roomba and let it move around itself."