They say when you have a baby, it changes everything from how you spend each moment of your day to the dynamics of every one of your relationships. Having a baby particularly changes those relationships with your parents and your in-laws. Samantha Ettus is the brainchild behind the new advice book, “The Experts’ Guide to the Baby Years: 100 Things Every Parent Should Know.” She was invited on the show to discuss her book. Gail Saltz, a psychiatrist and show contributor, was invited on the show to talk about a chapter she wrote on relationships. Read her chapter, as well as one by Kate Spade on packing a diaper bag and one by Bill Sears on how to manage teething.
Manage your relationship with your parents and in-laws
Gail Saltz
Dr. Gail Saltz is a clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the New York-Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine. She is a psychoanalyst with the New York Psychoanalytic Institute and has a private practice in Manhattan. Saltz is the mental health contributor on NBC’s Today. She writes a weekly relationship column on MSNBC.com and is the author of three books including Anatomy of a Secret Life: The Psychology of Living a Lie.
What do you do when your mother wants to run the show or when your mother-in-law acts angry and hurt if she is not included? What about the grandparent who just isn’t that interested?
The relationship between parent and grandparent can be complicated. Most women find that pregnancy and early parenting revive many of the conflicts they felt as a child with their own mothers. You may spend a lot of time thinking about your own childhood, and the intensity of feelings both positive and negative for your mother and father may return. While this is all very normal, it can make for greater closeness and also greater conflict.
Exploring your own feelings about your parents can be useful in sorting out how you yourself want to parent. However, it’s also important to understand that your parents have dedicated a very large portion of their lives (and a lot of their emotional energy) to parenting. They probably believe that their primary identity is that of a parent — a very good parent who gave great thought to raising you (or your spouse) and worrying about your happiness and well-being. They want to feel that you, too, believe they did an excellent job of childrearing. Consequently, they may feel that anything you and your spouse do differently with your children than they did with you is like a declaration of disapproval. For instance, when you decide to wean your child from breast straight to a cup (even though you were bottle fed) or go back to work when your mother stayed home, realize that she may take this as a criticism of her parenting decisions.
What to do
Try to preemptively talk to your parents and your in-laws. Tell them you appreciated your upbringing and that while you admire what they did as parents, you and your spouse want to make your own choices. Negotiate all major child-rearing decisions with your spouse only. Similarly, avoid confiding to your parents any big disagreements you and your partner have over childrearing. On the other hand, be sure to invite your parents to participate in the fun and meaningful moments you have with their new grandchild and show them that you really value their presence.
Give your parents and in-laws time alone with the grandkids. This can give you a much-needed break for romantic time while also allowing them to develop their own relationship with your child. It also lets the grandparents know that you trust them with the kids. If grandparents are older and too much alone time with Baby is wearing, even brief periods are good.
On the opposite end of the spectrum from the overly involved grandparent, the uninterested grandparent may not be great with small children. Becoming a grandparent may make him or her feel old, and your child may be a reminder of that. Plan “youthful" activities that make it easier for both grandparents and child to feel active without requiring the reluctant grandparents to invent activities. Go to the circus, plan a baking project, or spend a day at the beach. Once your parents use these times to get to know your child, they may find it easier to play together later. Don’t force it if your parents don’t feel comfortable with playing — this will just create frustration for all of you.
Remember: your parents and in-laws are older and interested in their next stage of life, which means enjoying some freedom. Envying that freedom, because you have just given up your own, can also lead to conflicts. Expect that there might be times when you want them to help you out but they are busy. Being sensitive to and validating their feelings, and sharing smaller issues of child rearing yet being firm in making larger decisions with only your spouse, will go a long way in making your new grandparent relationship a mutually satisfying one.
Manage teething
Bill Sears
Dr. Bill Sears is the author of more than 30 books on childcare and a medical and parenting consultant for BabyTalk and Parenting magazines. Sears is an associate clinical professor of pediatrics at the University of California, Irvine.
The timing of first teeth is as variable as Baby's first steps. Expect the first pearly white around six months, but teething times are inherited. If you check your own baby book, you may find that your baby's teething schedule resembles yours.
Babies are born with a full set of twenty primary teeth, just inside the gums, waiting for their time to sprout. The lower teeth typically appear before the uppers, and girls teethe slightly earlier than boys. Beginning around six months expect four new teeth every four months until, usually by two-and-a-half years, all the baby teeth show. Teeth come through gums at unusual angles. Some come out straight; others first appear crooked but straighten as they twist their way through. Don't fret about spaces. The spacing of baby teeth does not necessarily reflect how the permanent teeth will appear and it's easier to clean between spaced teeth.
Sharp teeth pushing through sensitive gums do hurt and babies will protest. Here are the nuisances to expect and suggestions to comfort the budding teether: Drooling. Expect the saliva faucet to be on during teething time. In addition, listen for a sputtering voice. Expect these drool nuisances:
- Drool rash. Baby skin and excessive drool don't mix well, especially when the skin is rubbing against a drool-soaked bed sheet. Expect a red, raised, irritated rash around Baby's lips and chin. Place a drool-absorbing cotton diaper under baby's chin or a towel under the sheet below his mouth. Be sure Baby is lying on his back. Gently wipe excess drool off the skin with lukewarm water and pat dry (don't rub). Lubricate with a mild emollient.
- Drool diarrhea. Expect loose stools and a mild diaper rash during peak teething time. This temporary nuisance self-clears as each teething burst subsides. Apply a barrier ointment to Baby's bottom.
Fever and irritability. The inflammation caused by hard teeth pushing through soft tissue may produce a low fever (101° F) and the symptoms of someone in pain. Ask your pediatrician about using medications such as acetaminophen to relieve teething pain.
Biting. The budding teether longs for something or someone to gnaw on. Teeth marks on crib rails and clicking gums on silver spoons are telltale signs of sore gums. Babies may also nibble on your knuckles, arms, fingers, and sometimes the breast that feeds them. Offer a cool and hard alternative. Gum-soothing favorites are:
- Frozen teething rings
- An ice cube rubbed along baby’s gums
- Frozen juice slushy or popsicle
- Cold spoons
- Frozen bagel or banana
- Frozen washcloth
As always, supervise to prevent choking on any of these.
Nightwaking. Growing teeth hurt at night so teething babies wake up a lot. A previously steady sleeper may frequently awaken during peak teething times and may have difficulty resettling into the preteething sleep schedule. With your pediatrician’s okay, offer a dose of acetaminophen before bedtime, or, if Baby is in severe pain, administer a onetime double dose. Repeat the dose four hours later if needed.
Here are some general ways to tell the difference between teething and another illness:
- Babies don't act progressively sicker with teething. When in doubt, have your doctor check it out.
- Teething mucus is clear saliva and doesn't run out of the nose. Cold mucus is thick and yellow. A nasal discharge usually means an allergy or an infection, especially if accompanied by eye drainage.
- Teething rarely causes a fever higher than 101 degrees F.
- Teething may be confused with an earache. Ear pulling in babies is an unreliable sign. Babies probably pull at their ears during teething because of pain radiating from the teeth to the ears. Some babies just like playing with their ears. With an ear infection babies usually feel more pain when lying down and have accompanying signs of a cold.
Finally, expect your baby to need more holding and comforting during teething time. While exhausting for you both, this can be an opportunity for Baby to build trust in you as a source of comfort.
Pack a diaper bag
Kate Spade
Kate Spade is the designer of Kate Spade New York, a collection of handbags, diaper bags, shoes, accessories, and home products sold worldwide. In the fall of 2005, she extended her collection of baby products. Spade is also the author of a series of three books entitled Occasions, Style, and Manners.
It sounds like it should be straightforward: a bag for diapers. But a diaper bag represents the portable repository of a parent’s anxieties; it’s a glorified first-aid kit, assembled to meet the needs of a small child venturing from the nest into the wild. For this reason, most diaper bags are far too complicated, both in their construction and in their contents. When your little one is crying, you want to eliminate her discomfort immediately, not dig past umpteen books, lotions, and bags of Cheerios, through five pockets, for a pacifier that’s usually near the bottom. For the sake of your sanity, your spinal health, and (last but not least) your fashion sense, keep your diaper bag simple.
1. Pack light. Overpacking usually happens when you allow sheer exhaustion to make you lazy. You’re not paying attention, so you don’t realize you’re not using half of what you’ve put in there. Unless your child is an early and avid reader, the collected works of Beatrix Potter will just weigh you down. And unless your child has an abnormal metabolism, those four bottles and ten diapers are just taking up space.
An everyday bag only needs the following: four diapers (my baby and I are never away from home long enough to need more than two—the other pair are for psychological comfort), a pacifier, ointment, antibacterial hand wipes (for grocery store cart handles, dropped toys, and anything else she might pick up), sunscreen, a bottle of formula or water, clean socks or booties, and a cloth diaper for wiping up spills or spit-up. Rattles or musical toys might staunch tears but they annoy the heck out of anyone within hearing distance, so forego those. (Let’s face it, most babies can be entertained by a stray teaspoon.) If your baby is a little older and needs more developed diversions, include a soft rattle or a cardboard book that can double as a chew toy. Lastly, include an emergency phone list so that if something happens to you, someone else can get your baby’s other nearest and dearest on the phone immediately.
2. Don’t restock your bag right before leaving the house. You’ll be too likely to over-pack under pressure. Instead, do it when you have a calm, quiet moment and can focus on what you both really need. Keep your bag stocked at all times.
A corollary to this rule: have a larger, separate bag for airplane or long car trips. In this one you’ll want to include doubles of what you’ve got in your everyday bag, at least two meals, a change of clothes (pack separates as opposed to one-piece gear, because it’s easier to dress a baby in a top and a bottom when you’re in public), a blanket, and a kit that includes any necessary medicine, teething gel, and a thermometer. When I travel with my kids, I usually forego my purse to accommodate all this stuff, so my travel diaper bag is big enough to fit my magazines and lip balm, too.
3. Go for a rudimentary design when buying a diaper bag. A balance of chic and practical is ideal. Gender-neutral is good too, since your partner will want to carry it without feeling silly. As far as colors or prints, go with what pleases you and blends easily with your purse or briefcase. It should be disguised as a handbag; there’s no reason to shout “diaper bag.” Think durable and dark colored. A tote, shopper, or messenger style bag is the easiest to get in and out of, and its shoulder straps should be long enough for you to reach into the bag with one hand without having to put it down. Bring your stroller with you when you shop for it, so you can make sure your bag fits easily over the handle. One or two internal pockets are good for the small items you grab most (like a pacifier), but those pockets should be easily accessible from the bag’s main opening.
A diaper bag is primarily about ease and convenience. The more time you spend out with your baby, the better you’ll know exactly what you both need. In the interim, less is more. Excerpted from “The Excerpts' Guide to the Baby Years,” by Samantha Ettus. Copyright © 2006 by Samantha Ettus. Excerpted by permission of All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.