Dylan Dreyer is surprised how she's feeling now that she's come to the end of the line with breastfeeding.
“No one talks about the emotional toll STOPPING breastfeeding takes on a mom,” she captioned a black-and-white photo of herself making a face while pumping.
“Oliver wasn’t into nursing, so he’d only nurse first thing in the morning while he was sleepy,” she continued.
“I pumped and pumped and pumped (ABP…Always Be Pumpin I called it) and still had to supplement because I didn’t produce much. Pumping gave me such dysphoria…a feeling that wasn’t really a depression, just a momentary fleeting feeling of hatred toward everyone and everything in the moment and a feeling of nausea that was sickening.”
Despite her experience, Dylan, who would pump while shooting TODAY and joked about her how it altered her appearance, is surprised she has developed an attachment to feeding, noting that she realizes it symbolizes an important milestone in her own life.
“With such a bad experience for a year I thought I’d be so ready to wipe my hands clean of all things breastfeeding related, yet it has been impossible to stop. ‘One last pump’, ‘one last nursing session’, ‘just one more day’, ‘today’s the day I’ll stop completely,’” she wrote.
“Every time I think about completely calling it quits, I feel an ache in my heart and my stomach and I can’t quite do it. Maybe it’s because I know this is likely the end of this era in my life. A sadness that I’m moving into the next phase of my adulthood. Or maybe it’s the DAMN HORMONES!!!! WTF??? No one, not a single person, not a single doctor, not even myself having gone through this with Calvin, told me what a mind f**k this would be.”
Dylan wrapped up her post with a note of encouragement to other mothers in her position, letting them know they are not alone.
“So to all the women out there who are calling it an end to breastfeeding/pumping, I’m here for you! I get it!” she wrote.
“I’m going through it too! It sucks and I hate it and I feel sad, sick, and guilty. It probably won’t make you feel better because we won’t feel better until these damn hormones are completely out of our systems, but misery loves company! Good luck mommas!!!”