One day you and every other parent on the planet will experience the phenomenon known as discoolification.
DISCOOLIFICATION: (dis-KOOL-iff-uh-KAY-shun) noun: A parent’s gradual transformation from being their kid’s hero to being their kid’ s greatest source of embarrassment.
Discoolification happens. It typically strikes when your kids are between 12 and 15 years old. It’s a coming of age of sorts. They are starting to feel older. Which gets them to thinking that you’re beyond older and bordering on ancient. And demented. And stupid. And as such they feel it would be best for everyone if you were neither seen nor heard until they have some need for your assistance. (Read: Need money)
You’ll be able to identify with the fact that you’ve reached discoolification when, per your child’s instruction, you are no longer allowed to:
- Move in any fashion that might be even vaguely construed as dancing.
- Speak of discrepancies between youth of today and youth of previous generations, least of all your own.
- Offer their friends a juice box. Or converse with them in any fashion whatsoever.
- Refer to them by a term of endearment or any deviation, however slight, from their given name.
- Demonstrate even the remotest display of affection.
- Touch any part of them or anything attached to them or anything attached to anything attached to them.
- Attempt to make use of any contemporary jargon
- Sing in the car when you are driving your child and his or her friends somewhere. Or even when you are alone in the car, even if it is in the garage with the garage door closed.
- Dress in a way that deviates from the commonly accepted adult dress code.
- Orally stipulate in front of another living being or in private that you love them.
If you are starting to experience these sorts of kid-imposed embargoes then you are well on your way to being discoolified.
Rumor has it that after a decade or so they’ll come back and really be quite pleasant again. It’s hard to fathom, but it happens. So let that thought comfort you. And take it as a cue to take care of yourself and live a long and healthy life. That way you’ll be around to watch this exact same thing happen to them. Nobody’s cool forever.
Eric Ruhalter is the author of the humorous gift book for parents: “The Kid Dictionary: Hilarious Words to Describe the Indescribable Things Kids Do.” Watch the funny book trailers looking inside the book at http://www.thekiddictionary.com
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