Chrissy Teigen is opening up about the devasating pregnancy loss she and husband John Legend suffered last month.
In a heartbreaking personal essay she published Tuesday on Medium, Teigen, 34, first thanked fans for their outpouring of support.
"For weeks, our floors have been covered in flowers of kindness. Notes have flooded in and have each been read with our own teary eyes. Social media messages from strangers have consumed my days, most starting with, 'you probably won’t read this, but…' I can assure you, I did," she wrote.
The supermodel and cookbook author went on to share raw memories of traveling to the hospital to deliver the couple's unborn son, Jack. In the halls of the labor and delivery ward, the couple heard merriment all around them as families celebrated the births of healthy babies.
"One of the standout moments from that morning (or evening? I have no idea) was me going through the halls of labor and delivery, and John saying 'What, is there a f------ party going on here??' Here we were, just wheeled down to a new floor, me covered in a thin blanket to hide, knowing I was about to fully deliver what was supposed to be the 5th member of our beautiful family, a son, only to say goodbye moments later," she wrote.
"People cheered and laughed right outside our door, understandably for a new life born and celebrated. You kind of wonder how anyone is thinking about anyone but you," she continued.
"At this point I had already come to terms with what would happen: I would have an epidural and be induced to deliver our 20 week old, a boy that would have never survived in my belly (please excuse these simple terms)," she wrote.
She also shared that she'd had "placenta problems" during her earlier pregnancies with daughter, Luna, 4, and son Miles, 2. "I had to deliver Miles a month early because his stomach wasn’t getting enough food from my placenta. But this was my first abruption," she wrote.
Teigen recalled the frightening final weeks of her pregnancy with Jack. Because of uncontrolled bleeding, she was forced to wear adult diapers and was on bed rest for a month. Despite undergoing multiple blood transfusions, the situation grew too dangerous for both mother and baby.
"Finally, I had a pretty bad night in bed, after a not-so-great ultrasound, where I was bleeding a bit more than even my abnormal amount. My bleeding was getting heavier and heavier. The fluid around Jack had become very low — he was barely able to float around. At some points, I swore it was so low I could lay on my back and feel his arms and legs from outside my belly," she recalled.
"After a couple nights at the hospital, my doctor told me exactly what I knew was coming — it was time to say goodbye. He just wouldn’t survive this, and if it went on any longer, I might not either," she wrote.
"Even as I write this now, I can feel the pain all over again. Oxygen was placed over my nose and mouth, and that was the first picture you saw. Utter and complete sadness," she added, referring to the heartbreaking photos she shared on Instagram on Sept. 30 to announce the loss of Jack.
Teigen recalled asking both her mother and Legend, 41, to take photos of her and Jack at the hospital.
"(Legend) hated it. I could tell. It didn’t make sense to him at the time. But I knew I needed to know of this moment forever, the same way I needed to remember us kissing at the end of the aisle, the same way I needed to remember our tears of joy after Luna and Miles. And I absolutely knew I needed to share this story," she explained.
She added as an aside to critics, "I cannot express how little I care that you hate the photos. How little I care that it’s something you wouldn’t have done. I lived it, I chose to do it."
Though she suffered a tragic loss, Teigen said her love for Jack is helping her to heal.
"I dunno how long he had been waiting to be delivered for. That will probably always haunt me. Just writing it makes my nose and eyes tingle with tears. All I know now is his ashes are in a small box, waiting to be put into the soil of a tree in our new home, the one we got with his room in mind," she wrote.
"People say an experience like this creates a hole in your heart. A hole was certainly made, but it was filled with the love of something I loved so much. It doesn’t feel empty, this space. It feels full," she wrote.