Hello, humans of the Internet. I, April the pregnant giraffe, understand that you are interested in the impending birth of my calf. It is a joyous occasion to be sure, and I'm happy to share my joy with the hundreds of thousands of people watching my live stream on YouTube. But newsflash: Staring at me and demanding “Where’s that baby already??” is NOT helping.
Look, I have been pregnant for 15 months. FIFTEEN. Believe me, NO ONE is more ready for this baby than I am. Oh, I look so huge? What a fascinating observation. My belly looks like it’s about to pop? Wow, such an original comment that I have not heard every single day for the past month. Two in there? No, just the one, thanks so much for your interest Mrs. Not-A-Veterinarian. I’m so sorry that you find watching the waning moments of my super-long pregnancy to be frustrating or boring. It’s a non-stop laugh riot for me, gestating a 150-pound mammal inside my body.
I am not an actual medical doctor or veterinarian. I am a giraffe. My brain, proportionate to my body size, is quite small. But even I know that staring at a pregnant belly and loudly asking, “HAVEN’T YOU HAD THAT BABY YET?!” is not an efficient way to induce labor. By the way, there's an app for that.
Fun fact: The first real sign of active labor for a giraffe is when you can see the hooves coming out. Yep, hooves coming out of my hoo-ha. TMI? A little too real for you? Look, that's birth. It's messy, and if you can't handle the hooves then maybe just back up and give me some privacy to do my giraffe mama thing.
Yes, this L&D ward is a little sparse, but you know what? I like sparse. I like plentiful food, natural light, and the nice nurses who keep the food coming. You know what it doesn’t have? Lions. No complaints from me. Five out of five stars for the lack of predators trying to eat me and my baby.
What’s that? You want to touch my belly? Can I touch yours? Better yet, sure, come on over and try that. I have four good hooves that kick with the strength of a mighty freight train. So go ahead, tiny human, if you’re feeling lucky.
I’m registered at Toys R Us, by the way. Something about the logo spoke to me.
Editor's Note: April the Pregnant Giraffe shared this essay exclusively with TODAY Parents, through telepathic communication with editor Rebecca Dube, on behalf of every pregnant woman who has gone past her due date and felt like the entire world was watching her.