Hey moms, are you concerned that your baby isn’t under enough pressure to be a success in life, starting with picking the right developmental toys and the best Ivy League track pre-school? Well, worry no more, because now we can judge our babies' future cognitive abilities based on their APGAR score.
The APGAR, developed by an anesthesiologist named Dr. Virginia Apgar, was originally designed to check newborns for immediate health concerns by scoring them on Activity, Pulse, Grimace, Appearance, and Respiration. But now researchers have found a way to take that score and determine if the precious little bundle just pulled from your loins is headed for the NICU or straight to Harvard Law. We can tell all this based on whether a baby has a strong, lusty cry and pink extremities?
What if your baby is one of those babies that just doesn’t test well? Is there a way they can study a bit and have the test re-administered ten minutes later? Maybe someone will offer a little course they can take to improve their scores and brush up on their arm flexing technique.
Newborn APGAR test may predict teens' success in school
In the meantime, in case you don't have your child’s APGAR score handy, here's a list of other signs your baby is a future genius.
- Baby’s shade of jaundice: A golden orange hue is what you’re looking for! If in doubt consult a Dunn Edwards Future Genius color wheel.
- Baby wails listening to "Goodnight Moon" but calms immediately to Dostoevsky.
- Did your baby go straight for the right breast? You have a left-brained baby! Or is it right-brained…
- Does your baby show a preference for mommy over daddy? Obviously, you’ve got a great judge of character on your hands.
- Pitch variation of constant wailing demonstrates deep understanding of post-Wagnerian opera theory.
- Did you experience a lot of kicking in utero when talking about math, or calculating restaurant tips?
- In early sonograms you can see baby taking on the pose of Rodin’s “The Thinker.”
- While pregnant, a craving for chicken wings so strong it nearly requires medical attention. (Well, I had this and my kid is pretty smart, so…)
Stefanie Wilder-Taylor is a writer, mother, comedian and all-around really special person. Her latest book is "I'm Kind of a Big Deal," she blogs at Baby on Bored and she co-hosts The Parent Experiment.