As the song goes, breaking up is hard to do! And whether you've just split up with your boyfriend or girlfriend or said good-bye to your marriage, ending a relationship is among the most stressful things a person can undergo. But should you keep in touch with your ex or cut all ties? Argie Allen from The Council for Relationships offers advice to those dealing with an ex.
For those of you who are struggling with the issue of helping and/or supporting your ex, this article is for you. There are a couple of key things to consider when you are challenged with this issue.
The first thing to consider is how you might create a safe enough space in order to prevent overt or covert manipulation. Often times, we as human beings seek to hold onto what we once had. As a result of this unconscious or conscious desire, we fail to realize that our desperate cries for support may really be a secret plea to hold onto what's already been lost. It's important that the ex who is being asked to help sets good boundaries and avoids the pit falls of bleary boundaries that can very quickly spiral out of control, leading to a laundry list of mixed messages and down the slippery slop of reattachment. Be very careful about not allowing old or unresolved emotional attachments cloud your judgment.
Next, for the ex who already struggles with boundary issues in every day relationships, it's time to become more clear by bringing your fuzzy lens into focus. Do this by making a list of what your limitations regarding helpfulness to your ex are. First, list in a practical manner what you can do, then what you are willing to do and next what you won't do. Also, list the possible outcomes for each item written. This should help you to gage the level of importance for each item listed as well as give you a clearer picture of what's at risk if you choose to embark on this journey of helping your ex. Also take into consideration whether there are other persons who are better suited with more resources and less risk that could potentially be more helpful to your spouse. This may be a way to redirect your ex without feeling totally guilty about not helping them. Remember, however once you have shifted roles, you are no longer responsible for your ex in the way that you once felt you where. Thus, you can give yourself permission to let go of those old loyalty issues and reestablish new roles that are more congruent with your present relationship.
Most importantly, it is essential that you understand the intentions behind your actions. In other words, what's the motivating force that is driving your desire and need to help your ex? In doing you own self reflection work, you must ask yourself four primary questions: Why am I desiring to help my ex?; What do I expect to gain from this act of goodwill and kindness?; What could be the potential outcome?; Is the risk too high? Depending on you reflective answers, you may find yourself more prepared to deal with this particular issue of when to help your ex. And finally, always remember it can't hurt, when someone comes knocking for a favor, to state to your ex or anyone else for that matter ‘let me think about it and I'll get back to you tomorrow.’ This approach at the very least gives you some wiggle room and time to make the right choice that won't be detrimental to you in the long run.
Argie J. Allen, MFT is a marriage and family therapist who practices at The Council for Relationships in Philadelphia.