TV
Kirstie Alley has had about three or four acts in Hollywood. She shone as Rebecca on "Cheers," played the talking baby's mom in the "Look Who's Talking" film series, and has starred in a number of shows focusing on her weight, including "Fat Actress" and "Kirstie Alley's Big Life." Now she's the most interesting cast member on the new "Dancing With the Stars" season, taking to the ballroom along with Sugar Ray Leonard, original "Karate Kid" Ralph Macchio, Kendra Wilkinson and others. But our money's on Kirstie, and partner Maks Chmerkovskiy, to have the most backstage fights, most egregious missteps, and make the most headlines. (Premieres March 21, 8 p.m., ABC.)
A cooking show on Syfy? "Marcel's Quantum Kitchen" focuses on chef Marcel Vigneron, runner-up on season two of "Top Chef," as he takes on demanding clients and pulls off dramatic dinners. Prepare for a lot of liquid nitrogen to be used. (Premieres March 22, 10 p.m., Syfy.)
Joan Crawford won her only Oscar for "Mildred Pierce" in 1945, playing the hard-working mother whose snobby daughter thinks she's above working for a living. Now HBO is presenting James M. Cain's book as a miniseries, with Kate Winslet as Pierce and Evan Rachel Wood as ungrateful daughter Veda. Thankfully they didn't modernize the era — Mildred still runs pie shops, not Subway franchises. (March 27, 9 p.m., HBO.)
Feeling British? No need to wait for the Royal Wedding. Grab a spot o' tea and a scone and settle in to watch the famed "Oxford and Cambridge Boat Race," where the two universities row it out on the River Thames in London. The tradition dates to 1829 and is about as far-removed from American sports traditions, like the Super Bowl, as it can get. (March 26, 12:30 p.m., BBCA.)
Movies
School is only one part of a wimpy kid's woes. Family is another big chunk. In "Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2: Rodrick Rules," Greg from the first film must deal with his parents trying to force him to bond with older bro Rodrick. Sibling rivalry at its funniest, and wimpiest. (Opens March 25.)
"Sucker Punch" is not for everybody. Even the trailer is hard to follow. The highly stylized film has been described by director Zack Snyder as "'Alice in Wonderland' with machine guns." It involves a young girl institutionalized by her stepfather in the 1950s, and how she and her fellow inmates try to break out before they can be lobotomized. The cast is almost all-female, though Jon Hamm does claim a role. (Opens March 25.)
DVD
Johnny Depp as a mild-mannered tourist? Yep, that's Captain Jack Sparrow himself starring in "The Tourist," and falling for beautiful and dangerous Angelina Jolie. Not everyone loved the film, but the Hollywood Foreign Press Association nominated it for three Golden Globes (oddly enough, in the musical or comedy categories, though the film is pretty clearly a thriller). Rent it on DVD and decide for yourself. (Out on DVD March 22.)
If seeing Los Angeles practically bombed to bits in still didn't get your anger out at LaLa Land, rent "Skyline." Before Aaron Eckhart led his Marines against the aliens in "Battle: LA," this film set the aliens on Tinseltown. This time, they suck out human's brains and insert them into other aliens. Seriously? They can find enough active brains in Los Angeles? Oh, the jokes write themselves. (Out on DVD March 22.)
Gael Fashingbauer Cooper is TODAY.com's movies editor.