Dear World:
You've had your fun with January Jones.
You've called her performance in "X-Men: First Class" "terrible," "terrible" and "more wooden than a boardroom drinks cabinet." You've gawked at "Lost" cocreator Damon Lindelof's "Sucking at Acting" review. You've chuckled over Zach Galifianakis' "f--king be nice" admonition.
You have forgotten the golden rule: If you can't say anything nice about the "Mad Men" star, then don't say anything at all.
You need talking points.
The next time Jones' name comes up in casual conversation, try out one or more of these lines:
1. "What'd She Ever Do to You?" Seriously. Aside from Galifianakis, who says Jones was rude to him at a party, and a couple of car owners, you do not have a beef. She did not force the shutdown of your favorite TV show. She did not propose to privatize Medicare. She did not cause a tsunami. She walked around in underwear for your "X-Men" enjoyment, that's all. In more chivalrous times, that kind of effort would have been greeted with handwritten thank-you notes.
2. "Unlike at Least , She From 'Saturday Night Live.' " If someone retorts,"Yeah, well, after her so-called performance, she shoulda been," then mumble something about Steven Seagal, and move on.
3. "She's Got Spunk." A decade ago, then-boyfriend Ashton Kutcher reportedly told Jones she wasn't a good actress. Nearly every on-screen appearance since then, critics have said the same thing. But Jones doesn't get credit for the greatest performance of all: showing up. (And, also, shooting the pigeons.)
4. "She's the Best Cliffhanger of the Summer!" Be honest, would you rather know who's going to be the new boss on "The Office," or who's going to be named father of the pregnant Jones' child? By staying classy and/or playing coy, the actress is giving the public some old-fashioned, "Who Shot J.R.?" guessing fun.
5. "Did You Know a Google Search for 'January Jones Is Nice' Yields 25 Results?" Warning, since a Google search for "January Jones is mean" produces 231 results, only use this when you know no comeback is possible—i.e., you are on your way out the door, you are logging off, your opponent is too distracted by the Anthony Weiner mess to respond (and pile on Ms. Jones any further).