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For those whose breakups have left a bitter hole in their soul because not knowing why things ended gnaws at them, there is an app to try to find closure: WotWentWrong.
The free, website-based app helps compose letters intent on getting feedback from the ex that still occupies your head. Now, you've got your people who never remain friends with their exes. Good riddance. Chapter in life closed. Then you have those who acknowledge that they're part of a person's history and that you were friends before you failed at more-than-friends. This app would probably be best for the latter, for whom the pain of a breakup lingers.
I feel your pain.
I always say that everyone gets together a different way, but breakups are all the same, or at least we all feel pretty crappy at the end. It's a universal letdown that has bonded me to others in a way that the pure happiness of falling in love hasn't. Everyone — unless you're some automaton who's never broken a heart or had theirs broken — knows how awful it feels for the promise of happily ever after to hit the skids.
The app walks you through a "Feedback Request" that is supposed to elicit honest answers from your ex. After putting in your name and the relationship causing you grief and stunting your healing, you're led to the "Write Request" section which has a drop down menu of request templates that includes many common feelings associated with exes: "Confused," "Flippant," "Please elaborate" to the brutally honest, "Not that into me."
So I conjured up the first breakup I ever had — don't worry, I'm not going to out him here — which was a puppy love, long-distance kind of thing. (We've actually been friends again for quite some time, and every time I'm in his city, I like to visit him and his family.) After much heartache and hindsight, I realized, things fade. And it's neither person's fault, it just doesn't click. But for the sake of trying out this app, I choose what my 16-year-old self probably would have picked: Confused.
It asks me to write some introductory text, something positive. Bleh. Ok, I would've said something like, "Hey, haven't heard from you in awhile, wanted to check in and see how you're doing!" (The exclamation point denotes that positive vibe.)
Then the template adds:
"I must admit I'm a bit confused! All the signals I got indicated that things were going well with us, but then our communication stopped.
I understand that something didn’t feel right for you and I would appreciate some feedback. I wonder if you could spare a moment to tell me your thoughts?"
And you're free to add more about the "current status of the relationship" or "express your disappointment," but I like the short and sweet approach they've come up with. What might be difficult, however, is to convince someone else that you're looking for closure, and that you won't hold what they say against you. You have to mean it, and I find it takes awhile for people to admit their part in a relationship's demise.
OK, here comes the weird part: the next page gives you "tease questions" to bolster the ex's ego and make it more palatable for them to answer your questions. You get to rate your ex's performance in bed, their attractiveness, sense of humor and their conversation skills (which would probably have to be on the low side to even get to this point). And that, in turn, is used to tempt them to click on the link in the message they're sent.
Once they read your letter, then they can select from a menu the reasons they think the relationship tanked, and add their own two cents, if need be.
In the end, ideally, you get positive and constructive feedback from the ex and this is supposed to soothe your unsettled heart and help you move on. This could, however, uncork a whole new round of hurt and misery as more questions arise.
Then again, for some, it could help heal some open wounds as it boils down the complexities of a union (and its dissolution) into a few generic templates and answers.
The site also has a blog, and beginning in March, WotWentWrong will aggregate an anonymous stats page, so users can see the most popular breakup reasons (with the distinction between those that come after three dates vs. three months), and other dating trivia.
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