Wedding season is officially in full swing.
If an invitation just landed in your mailbox, then you're probably already planning what you're going to wear, checking the registry for just the right gift and getting ready to celebrate the happy couple.
A lot goes into a wedding and considering you've been invited to participate in one of the most special days of the couple's life, your job as a wedding guest is an important one.
"When it comes to weddings, there is so much time invested in it, money invested in it, emotional effort," Diane Gottsman, national etiquette expert and founder of The Protocol School of Texas, tells TODAY.com.
"It's not just going out to a dinner party, it's a lifetime memory," she says. Because of that, "everybody should be on their best behavior."
Starting from the moment you receive the invitation until bidding adieu at the end of the reception, the way you conduct yourself can leave a lasting impression.
To ensure that everything goes as planned, we asked Gottsman to weigh in on the dos and don'ts of being a wedding guest.
Don't wait until the last minute to RSVP
"One of the most respectful things a guest can do is to RSVP promptly," Gottsman says.
That means don't let the invite languish on your counter for weeks or months while you decide whether or not to go.
"It appears, if you don’t RSVP, that you are shopping your options," Gottsman says. "You’re waiting to see if there’s a better deal that’s going to come along."
Instead, she says to check your calendar, make a decision and respond to the couple as soon as possible.
Whatever you do, don't be the person who forgets to reply at all.
"That just adds extra work and extra stress for the bride and groom because they want to make sure everybody is going to be comfortable and accounted for," Gottsman says.
Regardless of your relationship with the couple, don't assume they know you're coming.
"Don't assume anything. If a family is invited, don't just assume that the brother's coming or the siblings are coming unless you RSVP."
Once you commit to attending the wedding, Gottsman says that unless there are extenuating circumstances, it's rarely acceptable to not show up, especially if it's because "a better offer came along."
Don't ask to bring plus-ones or extra guests
"A guest should never ask to bring additional people. It puts the couple on the spot as they are 'counting heads' for rentals, catering and room space," Gottsman says. "The bride and groom may have gone through great lengths to plan who’s sitting at each table and they want to make sure everyone is comfortable and fed amply."
So, yep, that means don’t ask to bring a plus-one (or anyone else for that matter) if it hasn’t been clearly stated on the invitation. And, most certainly, don't show up with extra guests on the day of — especially if they don't have any connection to the newlyweds.
"The bride and groom should not meet perfect strangers at their wedding. There should be some kind of connection with that bride and groom," she adds.
Don't dress inappropriately
Planning to wear that pretty off-white dress you just bought? Save it for another occasion because the old adage about never wearing white to a wedding still holds true.
"Give them that one day. It’s not an outdated rule because that’s the day that the bride wears white or cream. And allow that to happen for them," Gottsman says.
Beyond wearing white, make sure your outfit is appropriate and aligns with the suggested dress code.
"If you're wearing something that everybody's going to be staring at, make sure that you check your wardrobe before you leave," Gottsman says.
It's also important to dress up and not arrive in jeans unless it's been stated that the occasion is casual.
"If it’s a formal affair, that means a long gown. If it’s cocktail, that means you can you wear something that’s fun and celebratory that it can be knee length or even above the knee appropriately," she explains.
As for men, Gottsman says they should always dress up as opposed to dressing down, and wear a suit, jacket or tie.
If don't own formalwear or something appropriate for the wedding, Gottsman suggests simply doing your best with what you've got.
"I think everybody gets grace because some people have the budget and some don't, and it’s important to be understanding," Gottsman says. "It’s a celebration of love and we want the people that we love to be around us whether or not they own a tie or they own a suit."
Don't be late
There are all kinds of reasons for showing up late to a wedding: the babysitter didn't show, bumper-to-bumper traffic, an unexpected work meeting and so on.
That said, it's up to you to plan ahead in the event that there are any last-minute mishaps and snafus.
"Traffic or trains are not an excuse because we have to factor that in," Gottsman says. Always factor in some buffer time to make up for anything that's out of your control.
In the unfortunate case that you're running late, it's important not to disrupt the ceremony when you arrive.
"Even though you want to sit up close to see everything, you’re going to wait until the bride walks down the aisle. If she’s standing there, you’re going to wait out back," Gottsman explains.
Just sneak in and take a seat in the back. "You’re not going to try and move way up high even if your entire family is up there," she says.
Don't drink too much
Enjoying a cocktail or two is standard fare at any wedding, but don't go overboard.
"You’re there to enjoy the celebration and you don’t want to be the one who ruins the wedding and that’s what they remember over anything else," Gottsman says.
Simply put, don't be that person.
By all means, enjoy the open bar — in moderation. "When we over imbibe, our inhibitions go out the window, and we tend to do things and say things that we wouldn’t if we had our wits about us," she adds.
Speaking of open bars, free cocktails aren't an excuse to go crazy.
"We have to use our very best judgement," Gottsman says. "Just because it's an open bar doesn't mean it's an all-you-can-drink buffet."
Don't make their wedding day about you
Since everyone's gathered together in celebration, it could be tempting to share in the day by proposing to your sweetheart.
Just. Don't.
In fact, don't make any big announcements at someone else's wedding.
"Don’t trump the bride and groom with your own proposals, your own news. And certainly don't give a toast and embarrass the bride and groom with details about other relationships," Gottsman says.
To that end, leave all your baggage — personal woes, family arguments and grudges — at home.
"Bottom line, anywhere we show up, we show up as who we are. And I think that especially at a wedding, where it’s so important for the bride and groom, we need to do our very best to be on our best behavior," Gottsman says.
Don't post wedding photos before the couple
It's common practice to see arms in the air and phones recording every moment of the bride walking down the aisle. The same holds true for the first dance, the cutting of the cake and all other picture-worthy wedding moments.
While it's fine to snap pics or take videos at a wedding (in most cases), plastering them all over social media without the permission of the bride and groom isn't.
"Sometimes the bride and groom encourage you to post pictures," Gottsman says. "They want you to use their hashtag, they want you to post moment by moment pictures as we go. But you have to know that in advance."
If it isn't encouraged, she says it's best to allow the couple to post the first photos of their wedding.
"You don’t want to post any pictures until they do because you want to give them the opportunity. It’s kind of like seeing the bride in the gown for the first time."
Gottsman also cautions against taking selfies in case people in the background prefer not to have their picture posted on social media.
"When in doubt, don’t," she says.
Don't go off script
Every wedding is unique, which makes it extra important to respect the protocol of the one you're attending.
Whatever asks have been made by the couple should be followed (within reason, of course).
"When the bride and groom clearly requests no photos or videos, there is no wiggle room. You must abide by their wishes because it is the most polite and appropriate thing to do," Gottsman says.
"Even though you think you might be able to grab a quick video quietly or discreetly, it’s not right. They made a simple request and we should abide by that request."
Phones aside, all other wishes should be honored, including leaving small children at home, sitting at your assigned table or skipping the ceremony and showing up for just the reception.
"We are supporting the bride and groom from the beginning 'til the end," Gottsman says. "And the ceremony for them is very important. So, it should be important to us."
Don't ignore gift requests
Does the invitation clearly request no gifts? If so, don't bring a gift. It's as simple as that.
"We always abide by what the request is," Gottsman says, adding that you still need to respect what's been asked of you even if you don't feel comfortable.
"If you show up with a gift and everyone else does not have a gift, or multiple people show with a gift, it makes the people who followed the request uncomfortable."
If gifts are welcome, be mindful of what you bring to the wedding.
"If you are going giving them something that’s large, it’s always best to send it ahead of time. That way they don’t have to cart it home," Gottsman says. "It's most convenient when you use the registry and just send it ahead."
Worried about walking in empty-handed? Don't be, according to Gottsman.
"Everybody understands this is 2023, and that we have all kinds of means of sending gifts through registries. Some people even Venmo your gift to another person and it depends on the person, but that would be perfectly fine."
But the whole idea of giving a gift that's equivalent to the cost of your plate is a thing of the past.
"That is outdated, antiquated and does not apply because how do we even know how much that plate costs? We don’t know if they’re having barbecue or a six-course meal," she says.
"Your gift should reflect the relationship you have with that other person."
Don't hold a grudge if you're not invited
It can be difficult to make sense of why you didn't score an invite, but Gottsman says it's never OK to confront the bride and groom over their decision.
"Understand that there were probably limitations," she explains, adding that bringing it up puts pressure on the bride and groom to make an excuse for why you weren't included.
"It puts everybody on the spot. It leaves a memory, it leaves a sour taste of the other person’s mouth."
Instead she recommends being supportive and understanding.
"If you’re not invited, I think you assume that there are reasons that you weren’t invited. And you can say, 'I can’t wait to hear all about your wedding. Let’s set up a time so I can see some of these pictures,'" Gottsman says.
