141 Halloween Jokes for Kids and Adults

July 15, 2022, 8:55 PM UTC / Updated Oct. 27, 2023, 4:09 PM UTC

Why don't vampires eat cows? They don't like stakes. Did you hear about the witch who went to the doctor? She had a fainting spell. What did one skeleton say to the other? I've got a bone to pick with you.

If you're booing right now (and not wearing a ghost costume) or, at the very least, groaning out loud, that's to be expected after reading these bad-but-good dad jokes that are just right for Halloween.

After all, if you can't break out a few spirited puns during the spooky season, when can you? Thankfully, we've unearthed a pile a Halloween jokes sure to have friends and family howling in laughter, whether you're chilling out watching spooky movies or preparing to go trick-or-treating.

Speaking of treats, these short jokes, one-liners and knock-knocks cover all the basics, including pumpkins, zombies, skeletons, witches, vampires and more.

And, we don't mind saying, all of 'em are positively spooktacular.

Whether you use one of these witty Halloween jokes to keep your boo crew in stitches at the Halloween party or post one or two as Instagram captions to accompany this year's couples' costume, you're sure to find everything you need below.

So read on and get ready, because all the laughs these zingers are about to deliver are guaranteed to wake the dead.

Halloween puns

Why do cemeteries have fences? Because everyone's dying to get in.
What did one invisible man say to the other? Long time, no see.
Why don't vampires eat cows? They don't like stakes.
Why didn't the police arrest the zombie? He couldn't be taken alive.
Did you hear about the witch who went to the doctor? She had a fainting spell.

Why shouldn't you trust werewolves? They're good fur nothing.
How do ghosts drink their coffee? With scream and sugar.
How many real vampires are there? None. Unless you count Dracula.
Did you hear about the gloomy jack-o'-lantern? It needed to lighten up.
Where do spiders do their Halloween shopping? On the web.
What do ghosts drink? Mountain Boo.
What's a zombie's favorite song? "Teenage Scream"
What's a ghost's favorite dessert? Ice scream sandwich.
Why can't werewolves play basketball? They get too many howls.
What's a vampire's favorite TV show? "Big Fang Theory."

What's a zombie's favorite band? The Dead Hot Chili Peppers.
Why did the ghost quit his job? They kept making him work the graveyard shift.
How did Dracula learn to be a vampire? He took a crash corpse.
Why do cemeteries have waiting lists? Because everyone's dying to get in.
What did the zombie mom say when her ghouls asked to take the car? Over my dead body.
What did one skeleton say to the other? I've got a bone to pick with you.
Where do witches go on vacation? Doesn't matter as long as there's a broom with a view.

When's the best time to cast a spell? The witching hour.
What do you call a ghost hornet? A boo-bee.
Why shouldn't you date a mummy? They're too wrapped up in themselves.
What did one piece of hard candy say to the other after it helped it escape from being eaten? Thanks! You're a real lifesaver.
Did you hear about the tech worker who got turned into a vampire? Now he Gigabites.

Funny Halloween jokes

Who's in charge of the candy corn? The kernel.
What's a mummy's favorite genre of music? Wrap.
Why did the Headless Horseman go to school? He wanted to get a-head in life.
Why do witches wear name tags? To tell which witch is which.
What did the ghost say when it fell down? I got a boo-boo.

What kind of rocks do ghosts collect? Tombstones.
Did you hear about the zombie that took a nap? It was dead tired.
When do cows turn into werewolves? During the full moooooon.
Did you hear about the crazy vampire? He was totally batty.
Where do ghosts buy stamps? At the ghost office.

Halloween knock-knock jokes

Knock, knock! Who's there? Bat. Bat who? Bat you don't know who's knocking!
Knock, knock! Who's there? Witch. Witch who? Gesundheit.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Twig. Twig who? Twig or tweat.

Knock, knock! Who's there? Howl. Howl who? Howl-ween is here! 101
Knock, knock! Who's there? Witch. Witch who? Witch one of you has the candy?
Knock, knock! Who's there? Owl. Owl who? Correct.
Knock, knock! Who's there? Minnie. Minnie who? Minnie people love Halloween.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Boo. Boo who? Boo hoo, don’t make a ghost cry.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Ice cream. Ice cream who? Ice cream at zombies.

Knock, knock! Who’s there? Creep. Creep who? Creep it down, you’ll wake the dead.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Avery. Avery who? Avery scary ghost! Run!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Ash. Ash who? A zombie with a cold.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Eddy. Eddy who? Eddy-body will do for a zombie.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Gwen. Gwen who? Gwen do you think Halloween will be here?
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Al. Al who? Al go home after trick-or-treating.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Ivana. Ivana who? Ivana suck your blood, blah!
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Bean. Bean who? Bean waiting for Halloween all year long.

Ghost jokes for Halloween

What do ghosts drink? Ghoul-aid.
Why did the ghost go to a bar? It was looking for boo’s.
What kind of shoes do ghosts wear? Boo-ts.
Why don’t ghosts lie? Because you can see right through them.
What kind of muffins do ghosts prefer? Boo-berry.
Why did the ghost cross the road? He wanted to return from the other side.

How do ghosts unlock doors? With spoo-keys.
Did you hear about the ghost party? It was loud enough to wake the dead.
Why don’t ghosts shower? It dampens their spirits.
Where do ghosts shop? Boo-tiques.
What’s a ghost’s favorite dinner? Spook-etti.
Why did the ghost ride the elevator? To lift its spirit.
How do ghosts apply for jobs? They fill out apparitions.

Why don’t ghosts do standup comedy? They always get booed.
What do ghosts use to style their hair? Scare-spray.
How do ghosts predict the future? They check their horror-scope.
What do ghosts wear if they can’t see? Spooktacles.

Skeleton jokes for Halloween

What’s a skeleton’s favorite instrument? The trom-bone.
How did the skeleton know it was going to rain? He could feel it in his bones.
Why did the skeleton skip the prom? It had no body to go with.
Why don’t skeletons like the cold? It’s bone-chilling.
What did the skeleton bring to the cookout? Spare ribs.
Why don’t skeletons skydive? They don’t have the stomach for it.

What do you call a skeleton that won’t do any work? Lazy bones.
How do skeletons start their cars? With skeleton keys.
Why did the skeleton put on a sweater? It was chilled to the bone.
Why’d the skeleton go the grocery store? Its pantry was down to the bare bones.
Why did the skeleton laugh? Something tickled its funny bone.
What do skeleton dogs eat? Milk bones.

Pumpkin jokes for Halloween

How do you mend a broken gourd? With a pumpkin patch.
What’s a pumpkin’s favorite sport? Squash.
Why do pumpkins bar hop? To get smashed.
What’s a pumpkin’s favorite fruit? Orange.
How do little pumpkins cross the road? With the help of a crossing gourd.
What kind of pumpkins work at a pool? Life-gourds.

Why didn’t Cinderella make the soccer team? Her coach was a pumpkin.
Who rules the pumpkin patch? The pump-king.
Why did the pumpkin go to jail? It had a bad seed.
What kind of canine do pumpkins prefer? Gourd-dogs.
How do pumpkins get paid? With pumpkin bread.
How do pumpkins quit smoking? They use a pumpkin patch.

Zombie jokes for Halloween

What kind of music do zombies listen to? The Grateful Dead.
What do you call identical zombie twins? Dead ringers.
Where do zombies live? On a dead end street.
Why don’t zombies eat clowns? They taste funny.
Did you hear about the zombie the lost the race? It came in dead last.

What’s a zombie’s pick-up line? You’re drop-dead gorgeous.
Did you hear about the zombie recital? The performance knocked ‘em dead.
Why did the zombie get fired? It missed its dead-line.
Where should you hide if you’re being chased by zombies? The living room.
Did you hear about the zombie valedictorian? It was dead-icated to its studies.

Why did everyone leave the zombie party? It wasn’t very lively.
Why did the zombie lose the argument? It didn’t have a leg to stand on.
Did you hear about the zombie who bought a new car? It cost an arm and a leg.
What should you do if there’s a zombie attack? Play dead.
Where do zombies swim? In the Dead Sea.

Why did the zombie take a nap? It was dead on its feet.
What kind of cars do zombies drive? Monster trucks.
What do zombies order at the deli? Knuckle sandwich.
Did you hear about the angry zombie? It got bent out of shape.

Vampire jokes for Halloween

What’s a vampire’s favorite kind of dog? A bloodhound.
Where do vampires deposit their paychecks? At the blood bank.
Did you hear about the vampire feud? There was bad blood.
What do you call vampire siblings? Blood brothers.
How can you spot a wealthy vampire? It has blue blood.
What happens when vampires get mad? It makes their blood boil.

How do vampires flirt? They bat their eyes.
Why did the vampire get glasses? It was as blind as a bat.
Why did the vampire go to the dentist? It had bat breath.
Why don’t vampires get invited to parties? They’re a pain in the neck.
Did you hear about the vampire romance? It was love at first bite.
Why did the vampire go to the doctor? It was coffin.
What shouldn’t you serve a vampire for dinner? Steak.

Did you hear about the new vampire laptop? It bytes.
Why do vampires avoid the cold? They don’t want to get frostbite.
Who won the vampire race? No one — it was neck and neck.

Witch jokes for Halloween

Why do witches fly on broomsticks? Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.
What do you call two witches who live together? Broommates.
What should you get a witch on her birthday? A charm bracelet.
What do witches’ study in school? Spelling.
What’s a witches’ pick-up line? Hey, you’ve got hex appeal!
Where do witches park? In the broom closet.

Did you hear about the witch that got school detention? She was ex-spelled.
Did you hear about the witch that couldn’t find work? It was a dry spell.
Why do witches drink beer? They enjoy a good brew.
Why did the witch cancel her speech? There was a frog in her throat.
Why did the angry witch leave her broom at home? She didn’t want to fly off the handle.