Halloween is finally here!
With the clock ticking down to the big day, there's no time to waste planning your costume (although there's always these last-minute costumes if you're in a bind), finalizing the songs on your spooky playlist and wrapping up the last of the season's best Halloween activities.
To caption all the photos you’re about to post on Instagram of each and every one of them, you'll need an ample supply of funny Halloween quotes on standby. To spare you the trouble, we've collected the best of the best right here.
After all, Halloween comes just once a year and everyone is sure to want to see your mad jack-o'-lantern carving skills, or the Scooby-Doo group costume you and your pals spent months collaborating on.
If that's the case, make sure to slide in Velma's classic quote, "Mystery is my mistress. I must heed her sweet call," or the TV show's quintessential line; “And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!”
But there are plenty of other funny quotes to choose from in the list below, including amusing one-liners from some of your favorite Halloween movies like "Hocus Pocus," "Beetlejuice," "Young Frankenstein" and "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown."
We've also included hilarious Halloween quips by comedians like Jim Gaffigan, Conan O'Brien and Jerry Seinfeld to use any way you see fit.
So, prepare to get your funny bone tickled, because we promise, these funny Halloween quotes are sure to be a real scream.
Best funny Halloween quotes
- "Bing, bong. 'C’mon lady, let’s go. Halloween, doorbells, candy. Let's pick it up.'" — Jerry Seinfeld
- "Happy Halloween to all. And to all a good fright." — Hubie Dubois, "Hubie Halloween"
- "Being normal is vastly overrated." — Aggie Cromwell, "Halloweentown"
- "I go for a look which I call 'Dead but Delicious.'" — Vladislav, "What We Do in the Shadows"
- "Some people are born for Halloween, and some are just counting the days until Christmas." — Stephen Graham Jones
- "Let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose." — Beetlejuice, "Beetlejuice"
- "We’re not hosting an intergalactic kegger down here." — Zed, "Men in Black"
- "Ah, the old express bus to Hell. No lines, no waiting!" — Cyrus, "The Frighteners"
- "It's showtime!" — Beetlejuice, "Beetlejuice"
- "I don’t see how a pumpkin patch can be more sincere than this one." — Linus, "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown"
- "Keep calm and carry a wand." — A.W. Jantha, "Hocus Pocus & The All New Sequel"
- "Mystery is my mistress. I must heed her sweet call." — Velma, "Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed"
- "“Dobby never meant to kill. He only meant to maim, or seriously injure.” — Dobby, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows"
- "Run for it? Running’s not a plan! Running’s what you do once a plan fails!" — Earl Bassett, "Tremors"
- “Isn’t the view beautiful? It takes my breath away. Well, it would if I had any.” — The Corpse Bride, “The Corpse Bride”
- “And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!” — Villian, "Scooby-Doo"
- “Pardon me, boy, is this the Transylvania station?” — Dr. Frederick Frankenstein, “Young Frankenstein”
- “I don’t understand it. I went trick-or-treating and all I got was a bag full of rocks.” — Charlie Brown, “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”
- “The suspense is terrible. I hope it’ll last.” — Willy Wonka, “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory”
- “Cross your heart ... hope to die ... stick a needle in your eye ... shake your bottom if you got ‘em.” — Lynn Farmer, “Double, Double, Toil and Trouble”
- “There’s children throwing snowballs, instead of throwing heads, they’re busy building toys and absolutely no one’s dead!” — Jack Skellington, “The Nightmare Before Christmas”
- “I’m just like any modern woman trying to have it all. Loving husband, a family. It’s just, I wish I had more time to seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade.” — Morticia Addams, “Addams Family Values”
- “Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.” ― Ogden Nash, “Reflections on Ice Breaking”
- “Was deciding if I should dress as Batman or Spiderman for Halloween, when I realized I’m a grown man. So, Batman.” — Stephen Colbert
- “For Halloween, I’m going as that feeling you get at a store when you try to refold a sweater property and put it back on the shelf.” — Rob Delaney
- “How many girls are telling themselves right now: “Dammit Becky learn your lesson; even on Halloween, glitter is NEVER worth it.” — Anne Kendrick
- “We’ve made it to Sunday. Halloween is still 4 days away. We have to stay strong together. It will all be over soon.” — Jesse Tyler Ferguson
- “As a kid, Halloween was amazing. You dress like a superhero, you bang on your neighbor’s door, and they give you candy. I do that today, and my neighbor wants me arrested.” — Jim Gaffigan
- “Now Halloween’s over, it’s time to start thinking about the next time you’re gonna annoy your neighbors — caroling.” — Ellen DeGeneres
- “Candy was my whole life when I was a kid. The first ten years of my life, I think the only clear thought I had was ‘get candy.’ Family, friends, school; they’re just obstacles in the way of the candy.” — Jerry Seinfeld
- “Every October I’m kidnapped and forced to scare birds at a local pumpkin patch.” — Conan O’Brien
- “Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, ‘Never take candy from strangers.’ And then they dressed me up and said, ‘Go beg for it.’ I didn’t know what to do! I’d knock on people’s doors and go, ‘Trick or treat...no, thank you.’” — Rita Rudner
- “The first time you hear the concept of Halloween when you’re a kid, your brain can’t even process the information. You’re like, ‘What is this? What did you say about giving out candy? Who is giving out candy?’ Everyone that we know is just giving out candy?’” — Jerry Seinfeld
- “It’s that special time of year where we voluntarily imbibe pumpkin-spiced lattes: the coffee that tastes like a candle.” — John Oliver
- “Just put on my Halloween costume! This year I’m going as ‘Guy Who Thinks Halloween Is On October 18th.’” — Stephen Colbert
- “Little tip, when you show up to a Halloween party not dressed up, it’s the same as showing up to a normal party in a costume.” — Josh Groban
- “Halloween is right around the corner. You can tell because all the stores are decked out for Christmas.” — Stephen Colbert
- “If the ghost of a murdered girl really existed I think she’d have something better to do than haunt people who don’t forward chain emails.” — Rhys James
- “This Halloween I’m going as a human disaster that way I don’t have [to] get dressed up.” — Jim Gaffigan
- “Kinda spooky that Halloween has never fallen on Friday the 13th.” — Stephen Colbert
Short funny Halloween quotes
- “I ate John. I wept the entire meal. Even though he tasted delicious.” — Nandor, “What We Do in the Shadows”
- “I didn’t know if you have kids you need five different costumes.” — Mindy Kaling
- “How many more months of Halloween this year?” — Jim Gaffigan
- “Every day is Halloween, isn’t it? For some of us.” — Tim Burton
- “For Halloween I’m going as a narcissist.” — Conan O’Brien
- “On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.” — Rodney Dangerfield
- “Halloween is just finals week for parents.” — Jim Gaffigan
- “Halloween: the night that fathers get their hearts broken when they see their daughters costume.” — Whitney Cummings
- “Once again, my Halloween costume this year will be Sexy Weird Al.” — “Weird Al” Yankovic
Funny Halloween movie quotes
- “It’s pronounced ‘Fronkensteen.’” — Dr. Frederick Frankenstein, “Young Frankenstein”
- “Wench! Trollop! You buck-toothed, mop-riding firefly from hell!” — Billy Butcherson, “Hocus Pocus”
- “If you were the only suspect in a senseless bloodbath — would you be standing in the horror section?” — Randy Meeks, “Scream”
- “Everything in this room is eatable. Even I’m eatable! But that is called ‘cannibalism,’ my dear children, and is in fact, frowned upon in most societies.” — Charlie Bucket, “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”
- “I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color.” —Wednesday Addams, “The Addams family”
- “Oh, look. Another glorious morning. Makes me sick!” — Winifred Sanderson, “Hocus Pocus”
- “I attended Juilliard, I’m a graduate of the Harvard business school. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that.” — Beetlejuice, “Beetlejuice”
- “Trick or treats come only once a year, and I missed it by sitting in a pumpkin patch with a blockhead.” — Sally, “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”
- “Do you know how much work it is to decapitate an entire barbershop quartet?” — Grandma, “The Addams Family 2”
- “Never say, ‘who’s there?’ Don’t you watch scary movies? It’s a deathwish. You might as well come out to investigate a strange noise or something.” — Ghostface, “Scream”
- “That’s nothing compared to the fury of a woman who has been cheated out of trick-or-treats. — Linus, “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown
- “Some of our clothes are from victims. You might bite someone and then, you think, ‘Oooh, those are some nice pants!’” — Viago, “What We Do in the Shadows”
- “How many times do I have to tell you? There is no such thing as ghouls, ghosts, goblins or monsters! Listen up, there is absolutely, absolutely no such thing as … MONSTER!” — Fred, “Scooby-Doo: The Movie”
- “Maybe you could help me get out of here, you know, because I got to tell you, this dead thing... it’s just too creepy.” — Beetlejuice, “Beetlejuice”
- “You know, I’ve always wanted a child. And now I think I’ll have one on toast!” — Winifred Sanderson, “Hocus Pocus”
- “One thing about living in Santa Carla I never could stomach: all the damn vampires.” — Grandpa, “The Lost Boys”
- “I would die for her. I would kill for her. Either way, what bliss.” — Gomez Addams, “The Addams Family”
- “Anyway, you can’t scare her. She’s sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.” Lydia, “Beetlejuice”
- “Normally I don’t spend time with guys like you, but a house just tried to eat me, so … you’ve got one hour.” — Jenny, “Monster House”
- “This is my costume. I’m a homicidal maniac, they look just like everyone else.” — Wednesday Addams, “The Addams Family”
- “Well, now, let me put it this way. If all the corpses buried around here were to stand up all at once, we’d have one hell of a population problem.” — Grandpa, “The Lost Boys”
- “There are three things that I’ve learned never to discuss with people: religion, politics and the Great Pumpkin.” — Linus, “It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown”
- “The undead surround me. Have you ever talked to a corpse? It’s boring.” — Jack Goodman, “American Werewolf in London”
- “It obviously doesn’t do any good to pull your heads off in front of people if they can’t see you!” — Juno, “Beetlejuice”
- “Has it ever occurred to you that it might be unsettling to see you arise from the grave to visit me?” — David Kessler, “American Werewolf in London”
- “That’s twice this month you’ve slipped nightshade into my tea and run off.” — Dr. Finkelstein, “The Nightmare Before Christmas.”
- “Sir, what you had there is what we refer to as a focused, non-terminal, repeating phantasm or a class-five full-roaming vapor. A real nasty one, too.” — Dr. Raymond Stantz, “Ghostbusters”
- “I can’t believe I’m in a graveyard with a strange man hunting for vampires on a school night.” — Buffy, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.”
- “I think I should warn you all, when a vampire bites it, it’s never a pretty sight. No two bloodsuckers go the same way. Some yell and scream, some go quietly, some explode, some implode, but all will try to take you with them.” — Edgar Frog, “The Lost Boys”
- “It’s not easy having a good time! Even smiling makes my face ache.” — Dr. Frank-n-Furter, “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”
- “Candy doesn’t have to have a point. That’s why it’s candy.” — Charlie Bucket, “Charlie and the Chocolate Factory”
- “If I’d known you were coming, I could’ve made up the dungeon.” — Morticia Addams, “The Addams Family"
- “You don’t know me, but I used to live in your dead mother.” — Maggot, “Corpse Bride”
- “Mom, tell the Zombie to stop saying stuff about me!” — Courtney Babcock, “ParaNorman”
- “Calm down! You make me wanna throw up in some tin foil and eat it! — Skull, “Monster House”
- “How ‘bout a bumper sandwich, Boogerlips?” — Ernest P. Worrell, “Earnest Scared Stupid”
- “And for our sins, a hideous creature has been sent to punish us all! Repent! Repent! Les you, too, taste the wrath of … the Were-Rabbit!” — Reverend Clement Hedges, “Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit”
- “I am reminded of a line from Erich Segal’s ‘Love Story’: ‘Love means never having to say you’re sorry.’ However, it is with sincere regret that I must now kill all of you.” — Barnabas Collins, “Dark Shadows”
- “I’m just like any modern woman trying to have it all. Loving husband, a family. It’s just, I wish I had more time to seek out the dark forces and join their hellish crusade.” — Morticia Addams, “Addams Family Values”
- “This is what happens when you’re a vampire. You have to watch everyone die. Your mother and father. All your friends. Sometimes brutal, like slipping and falling onto a giant spike. Or falling asleep in an autumn pile of leaves and having some of them block your windpipe.” — Deacon, “What We Do in the Shadows”
- "Some people have swimming pools, others have private cemeteries. It can happen.” — Sara Evers, “The Haunted Mansion”
