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Let ’er rip: Blogging the Oscars

Dave White gives the moment-by-moment recap of the Academy Awards.
/ Source: contributor

Final entry of the night: 8:57 p.m. PST
Time for a montage of best director winners. Mel Gibson was one of them. So was Kevin Costner. So Was Ron Howard. That’s never not funny.

So here’s Scorsese to present it. To the Coens.

And for the second time in Oscar best director history, P.T. Anderson has ZERO GAME FACE. The first time he lost he looked kinda glum and had Fiona Apple giving goony “now I console you” face, cuddling him and petting him while he sulked. Tonight he visibly flinches.

The Coens mumble something about being overtly clever for a living.

And they’re moving right along because here’s Denzel Washington to present best picture.

The Coens and Scott Rudin get it for “No Country for Old Men.”

Which is fine. I think it’s a really good movie. It’s not as good as “There Will Be Blood.”

But who cares, really? It would only make P.T. Anderson more difficult to live with, you just know.

Anyway, the Coens keep quiet while notoriously mean super-producer Scott Rudin holds his Oscar and thanks his life partner. Backstage he will throw the statue at his assistant’s head. The savvy assistant, who watched “Swimming With Sharks” five times before taking the job, will successfully duck the heavy flying object. It will be intercepted by Gary Busey who will then think he’s won.

8:42 p.m. PST
Time for the best actor award. Helen Mirren, GILF of all time, is here to present it.“Hello,” says HM. “I’m amazing. Let’s have sex.”OK, she didn’t just say that.Daniel Day-Lewis wins, which is as it should be. Weird earrings.And though I’m into him winning, I’m not into him thanking everyone, although they do show his crazy-dress-wearing wife, Rebecca Miller.This evening has been supremely boring and he’s not helping make it better. Show more of that wife’s dress.

8:32 p.m. PST
Harrison Ford is here to present for best original screenplay. What I like about Harrison Ford is that he seems baked all the time. Like, “Did you guys see ‘Superbad’?”

He gives it to Diablo Cody, even though I bet that’s not whose name is written inside the envelope. She’s wearing my second favorite dress of the night and he thinks he’s going to get a lap dance backstage.

I’m happy for her. I love backlashes but I’m not on board for the “Juno” backlash. I like it a whole lot. I also like Diablo Cody’s unapologetically thick legs.

8:24 p.m. PST
Some U.S. soldiers in Iraq present the nominees for best documentary short.

“Freeheld,” the movie about the partner of the deceased lesbian cop who had to sue a city in Florida to get her partner’s death benefits is the winner.

Bet they didn’t tell the U.S. military that there was a possibility that something gay might win or they wouldn’t have agreed.

Then Tom Hanks — the opposite of John Travolta — presents the best documentary award. I’m guessing that Iraq is going to be the “Enchanted” of documentaries.

Oh wait, I’m wrong. “Taxi To The Dark Side,” the brutal doc about torture, wins. You need to see it. It’s great. But you don’t necessarily want to, you know?

The director gives a subtle anti-war thank you speech. They’re never letting Michael Moore on that stage again.

8:14 p.m. PST
Amy Adams presents best score after her movie loses all its best song nominees.

I don’t care who wins because they didn’t nominate “There Will Be Blood.”

So there’s that.

8:10 p.m. PST
Cameron Diaz presents the cinematography award to Robert Elswit for “There Will Be Blood.” He’s all gallant and thanks Jack Fisk, who’s Sissy Spacek’s cool art director/cinematographer husband.

Hilary Swank presents the dead people.

No Brad Renfro. No Charles Nelson Reilly. No Brett Somers.

And now you know who’s important and who’s not. The Oscars just prioritized it for you.

8:02 p.m. PST
Colin Farrell threw his weight around backstage and got the “Once” woman to come out and give her thank you speech. There would have been a grand scale Lucky Charms embargo if they’d refused his demand.

7:56 p.m. PST
Penelope Cruz presents to best foreign language film.

A friend who just nodded off and woke up and thinks “How She Move” just won. And I think it did.

Now some guy is singing some song from “Enchanted.” The King of Cartoons from “Pee Wee’s Playhouse” is waltzing all over the stage. The gays in the room are spazzing about this singer guy. Wait, there’s an iPhone owner in the room. We’re checking. Still nothing. He’s some guy the gays all love right now.


He will not give it a rest. Ever. For the rest of his life, this is what we will get from John Travolta. Get used to that. Forever.

The “Once” people just won best song.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Beat it, “Enchanted.”

They say, “Tanks!” (sic).

Question from the room: “Where’s Dixie Carter?”

Answer: Out TPing the limos with Ruby Dee.

7:36 p.m. PST
Dang, a chandelier fell on Nicole Kidman. I approve, of course. Are you allowed to have Botox when you’ve got one in the oven? Isn’t that a thing? 

She’s giving an honorary Oscar to production designer Robert Boyle. He’s a thousand years old so that makes Nicole Kidman not the most brittle person on stage anymore.

7:33 p.m. PST
Did Renee Zellweger just walk into Nicholson’s fart cloud?

She’s here to give the award for best editing. “Bourne Ultimatum” wins again.

Zellweger follows the winner off-stage. Flips her bangs. We slow down the TiVo and watch it a couple times.

She still smells a smell though. And it smells. Like a smelly smell. 

That smells.

7:24 p.m. PST
The “Once” people are here to sing one of the songs from that movie.

They’re all adorable and whatever. The songs don’t work for me outside the film. And what’s with all the floating guitars? Is this the Hard Rock Cafe at Universal City Walk? Where’s the curvy Prince one? The red, white and blue “Hee Haw” one?

7:15 p.m. PST
Forest Whitaker is here to present best actress. “VANTAGE POINT!!! IN THEATERS NOW!!!”

Cut to Marion Cotillard. Ees now my time for weening? Oui?

Wow, that’s weird.

I wish it had been Julie Christie.

But congrats. Here’s a bikini and a gun.  Enjoy being a Bond Girl.

7:08 p.m. PST
More awards from Seth and Jonah, still not being funny about the Halle/Judi thing.

“Bourne Ultimatum” wins for Other Loudest Movie.

7:05 p.m. PST
Miley Cyrus introduces the next “Enchanted” song, which doesn’t translate from film to stage. Like at all.

Here are Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill pretending to Halle Berry and Dame Judi Dench. Why aren’t they being funny?

“Bourne Ultimatum” wins for Loudest Movie, which should have gone to “Transformers.”

6:55 p.m. PST
Jessica Alba just presented some technical awards. That’s what she does. That and star in “Honey,” which is a great movie.

Josh Brolin and James McAvoy are here to present screenplay. I want them to play Gay Chicken. Instead they’re just giving an award to the Coens.

Now the Academy guy is here. I don’t know what’s happening. Everyone in the room is talking about other stuff. Oh, it’s about how the votes are counted and stuff.

Travolta’s in the clippy bit about voting. Different hair. So’s Michael Bay, saying, “I voted for myself TWICE!”

6:47 p.m. PST
There’s an eyeliner argument happening at the party. Should Tilda have worn some?

The opinions are passionately divided.

The consensus is that Travolta is wearing enough for both of them.

6:44 p.m. PST
Alan Arkin presents for best supporting actress.

Cut to John Travolta’s hair again. Even the camera operators can’t figure it out. His head is proof that Scientology is a lie. They can cure post-partum depression with Niacin but they can’t fix male pattern baldness?

I want Tilda Swinton to win. She’s out-of-control excellent.


Ruby Dee wants to beat her up. She just left to go have a drink with Hal Holbrook.


I thought I didn’t have any more room in my heart for her but I just found out that I do.

6:36 p.m. PST
Owen Wilson presents for live action short; it goes to “Le Mozart Des Pickpockets.”

I can barely focus. I’m fascinating on Owen’s Sandy Duncan hair. Remember when she took over for Valerie Harper on that show? That was weird. The French guy who wins the Oscar has a great looking wife who I think is Diamanda Galas.

Then Jerry Seinfeld as that bee presents for best animated short. “Peter and The Wolf” wins.

The winners say that their award is for everyone. When’s my turn to hold it?

6:31 p.m. PST
Felicity is here to present a song nominee. It’s from “August Rush.”

She calls it “a little movie with a big heart.” She was in it. I saw it. It was, in fact, a poop movie with a big smell.

Why didn’t they get R. Kelly to sing this song instead of this guy who’s singing it?

Who is this guy? He’s not R. Kelly.

But, I mean, I get why R. Kelly’s not here, of course. Miley Cyrus is nearby.

I like the choir. It’s the thing about the movie that you should actually care about. Nothing else.  Just this pretty darn good song.

6:22 p.m. PST
Cate Blanchett comes out and gives away the art direction award.

Why no acting awards yet? No one cares about this stuff.

“Sweeney Todd” wins.

Oh good, finally an acting award....

But first a montage of Great Moments In Dead People Presenting Awards to Other Dead People.

J HUD!!!! I love her. She’s giving it to best supporting actor...

Look there’s Dixie Carter! Now I want Hal Holbrook to win.

But J Hud gives it to “Harvey-Air Bardem.” Hal Holbrook gets the valet ticket from Dixie and walks out.

6:11 p.m. PST
The Rock is presenting for best visual effects. He’s wearing the same tux Celine Dion wore a few years back but forwards. I like imagining him on the tailor stand going, “Can we tuck it in a little more at the waist? I want to show off my figure.”

“The Golden Compass” wins. I love that movie. The guys who win yell, “Thank you! THERE IS NO GOD!”

6:03 p.m. PST
Katherine Heigl presents the make-up award.

“La Vie En Rose” wins. Marion Cotillard gasps. Wait, sorry, no it’s not the one for you yet.

Some French people win, though.

And now for a song from “Enchanted.”

Amy Adams sings it. I like her. I like her like 1 percent more than I like Katherine Heigl. And since I don’t like Katherine Heigl at all that’s almost the same at 10,000 percent more.


5:58 p.m. PST
I find the cylindrical giant Oscar in the middle sort of... I don’t know... like... genital.

OK, here’s Steve Carrell and Anne Hathaway to present for best animated feature

“Surf’s Up” — next to “Norbit,” the least-deserving film to be nominated for anything. Seriously, it was like eating a turd. On a paper plate. Not even a sturdy Chinet plate.

“Persepolis” is amazing. It’s not going to win.

“Ratatouille” wins. Of course. I mean, sure, it’s great. It deserves it. I just want people to see “Persepolis.”

And I’m also mad that “Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theaters” wasn’t nominated.

5:53 p.m. PST
Even the announcer can’t say George Clooney’s name without sounding like she’s having an orgasm.

There’s a montage of people clapping over the years. Lots of clapping.

Then people clap for the clapping montage.

5:46 p.m. PST
First award: Best costume

Jennifer Garner looks great. It goes to Alexandra Byrne for “Elizabeth: The Golden Age.”

The winner’s dress is weird. The room is divided. And by divided I mean everyone but me hates it.

But I’m right. I’m always right about the clothes.

5:42 p.m. PST
The best thing about Stewart’s monologue is that Marion Cotillard understands none of it.

Also, Calista Flockhart’s thinks it’s delightful! Oh, wait, that’s where her eyebrows always are...

5:36 p.m. PST
OK, false alarm before. NOW the show is starting...

There’s an animated collage of classic and not-exactly-classic movies all mashed-up together here. It’s the no-writers intro that they decided to use anyway

Jon Stewart walks out and says a bunch of funny stuff. If you’re not watching the show and just reading some nobody live-blogger then I don’t think you deserve to hear his funny stuff. I’m here to see MORE GARY BUSEY.

5:26 p.m. PST
Regis backstage with 137 dancers for the “Enchanted” number:




5:22 p.m. PST
Regis is pulling people out of the stands to talk about how much they love the Oscars.

Because someone at ABC just watched “TRL” for the first time and thought it would be a good way to pull in “the kids.” The scroll at the bottom of the screen just read:

“TildaFan08: OMG i wanna give a shoutout to my boy Julian Schnabel! WHOOOOOOO!”

5:17 p.m. PST
OK, I never got totally caught up with E’s red carpet coverage.

It’s time for the show....

Oh, so now the show does its own red carpet stuff, too.

But it’s official. And therefore boring. And therefore I am taking a bathroom break even though it’s not the commercial.

4:56 p.m. PST
Tilda Swinton is wearing the most amazing Hefty bag. She is the hottest man on the red carpet.

4:55 p.m. PST
My milkshake is so delicious. It is the perfect vanilla.

Now I’m looking at Marion Cotillard’s mermaid fish-scale dress. It may not be tuna with good taste but it tastes good. The dress, not my milkshake, which I’ve already noted is delicious.

4:51 p.m. PST
There’s Miley Ray Cyrus on the red carpet with Mom.

Just heard a great rumor from an industry-ish person at this party.

Apparently the mom-ager keeps her on a really short leash and Little Hannah M went out and bought a purse that was too expensive and then lost her cell-phone privileges as punishment.

Listening, Lynn Spears?

I hope that’s a true story. If it’s not then I want it to be.

4:43 p.m. PST

He just interrupted Laura Linney and Jennifer Garner talking to Seacrest. Then Linney explained the existence Busey to Garner. NOW BUSEY IS KISSING THE LADIES! Garner just called him “this man.”


4:39 p.m. PST
Seacrest just took Amy Adams’ purse and rubbed it on his junk. Now she doesn’t want it anymore.

He goes in for the save, though, by whipping out his collection of “Enchanted” dolls. He’s already accosted Patrick Dempsey with one. Now he’s holding it up for Amy Adams’ inspection. Guess what, Seacrest? She’s probably already seen one before. And she’s probably not carrying her own Sharpie to autograph yours, son.

4:34 p.m. PSTThe Rock has arrived dateless, looking to hook up...

4:30 p.m. PST
Seacrest just told Patrick Dempsey how blue his eyes are...

And here comes John Travolta to talk to Seacrest. Don’t touch him, Seacrest, because he’ll go all “Wild Hogs” on you and punch you in the face.

4:27 p.m. PST
Why isn’t Tara Reid here? Wouldn’t it be better if Taradise were hosting the red carpet instead of Seacrest? It would, wouldn’t it? I’m right about this. 

She’d be jumping up and down blowing a whistle, bouncing around, thinking she was at a rave in Nice on Roberto Cavalli’s yacht instead of standing under a rain tarp on Hollywood Boulevard. She’d be her own party.

4:20 p.m. PST
WOW LOOK AT JOHN TRAVOLTA. They still make that spray-on hair.

Welcome to the live blog: 4:15 p.m. PSTI know it’s probably already a cliché but I’m at a milkshake-themed Oscar party this year. And mine is going to be vanilla. I really like the vanilla ones.  Chocolate’s OK but they’re never quite chocolatey enough, you know?

The party I’m at is here in the entertainment capital of the entire galaxy, except not. I’m in the Valley. Which suits me fine. I actually live on the side of the city where all the antics are going down right now, but thankfully I’m nowhere near any of it. Instead I’m catching up with the E! pre-show Ryan Seacrest dumb-a-thon with TiVo while I wait for my milkshake to be delivered by the friend who’s manning the blenders. Anyway, I’m thankful because:

Reason 1: Kimora Lee Simmons is over on the other side of the hill right now talking nonsense about how Heidi Klum’s insanely perfect Galliano gown doesn’t match her hot pink purse. This is a woman who couldn’t keep a job judging modeling contestants on “America’s Next Top Model” and she presumes to tell Heidi Klum, the woman who is the total boss of Seal, Tim Gunn and all of NBC/ Universal/Bravo, how to dress?

Reason 2: Seacrest trying to get all “industry” with George Clooney by going down the “let’s get serious and talk about the strike” road.

But that’s about it. I like everything else, especially the way people in the background stop and stare right into the camera when Seacrest talks to someone famous. IT’S SO AMAZING TO ENJOY THE BACK OF GEORGE CLOONEY’S HEAD WHILE HE CHATS WITH RYAN SEACREST!