Everyone’s favorite former TV mom, Roseanne, gave Britney Spears and the problematic pop star’s mom, Lynne, a little unsolicited maternal advice via her blog. The open letter posted on Roseanne World featured helpful hints filled with the opinionated actress-comedienne’s typical verve.
“The judge is trying to teach you a lesson, shut your mouth and learn it!” Roseanne pleaded. “You are a bad mother, and so is your mother! Get your sh-- together and take care of your kids!!”
And the tender tips don’t stop there: “Your mom needs to lock your spoiled a-- in the basement or wherever it is that you cannot get any more drugs. Stop drinking immediately too! If you are too weak to do that, then you are no better than a crack whore on the street, and your mom should stop pimping your a-- and do what mom's do...lock up your kid, and sit there with her for as long as it takes to get her right!!!”
Just in case the senior Spears wasn’t sure how to do that, Roseanne obligingly added some all-caps suggestions such as “SIT WITH YOUR KID, MOM! AFTER YOU AND HER DAD PIMPED HER OUT LIKE JON BENET, SIT THERE WITH HER AND STRAIGHTEN HER OUT...THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!!!! (not even hers, but yours, put pimping out your other daughter on hold til you make your grown one better).”
Well, if that written intervention doesn’t fix the Spears family’s woes, nothing will.
Is Ellen a serial dog dumper?
Despite her television tears, Ellen DeGeneres may be more adept at the art of pooch passing than previously implied. According to the New York Post’s Page Six, the daytime talk show host/bully pulpit preacher pawned off another pup two years earlier – one she adopted from TV producer Kerri Randles.
Kerri told Page Six that she was shocked to learn Ellen gave away a mutt named Stormy less than two months after she took him home. "She may have had it for much less time than that,” Kerri said. “I only say two months because that's when I called to check on the dog and found out she no longer had it. I was totally shocked. I thought she was out of her mind."
Originally, Ellen seemed keen on the canine. She and her TV staff even grilled Kerri for four hours before Ellen agreed to take Stormy home for a trial visit. A few days later, Ellen told Kerri that Stormy could stay. “She acted like she was keeping it for life," Kerri said. Apparently, it’s an act Ellen’s been working on for a while.
And lest Ellen thinks she’s gotten away with her current pooch problem with Iggy, the ever-accommodating Roseanne posted a memo to her, as well. “You gave away that dog like it was not a living breathing being! You need to learn some respect for living things!!!”
Dish on the fly
Where does a model turn when Leonardo DiCaprio breaks her heart? Straight to the arms of surfing champ Kelly Slater. That’s where Leo’s recently dumped gal pal, Bar Refaeli, landed, reports In Touch Weekly. Cleaning up after Leo is becoming a happy habit for the surfer. Kelly was the go-to guy when Leo and former flame Gisele Bündchen broke up, too. ... Despite the fact that Linda Evangelista’s reps continue to deny it, Page Six is still insisting that Francois-Henri Pinault is the father of the supermodel’s one-year-old son, Augustin. Francois-Henri is also the confirmed father of financee Salma Hayek’s daughter, Valentina. Page Six spoke to Salma’s peeps, and word is she’s still planning to wed the mega-billionaire, despite any possible dalliance with Linda. For her part, Linda remains mum on the whole daddy issue. ... ContactMusic reveals that in an excerpt from Donald Trump’s new tome, “Think Big and Kick Ass,” the boisterous billionaire shares a few thoughts about Paul McCartney’s divorce drama. When The Donald first heard the Beatle said no to a prenup, he thought, “What a mistake. This guy is a schmuck.” Donald, who’s doled out $30 million to ex-wives, thinks Sir Paul knows better now. “Get a prenuptial agreement. Don't believe me? Ask Paul McCartney what he thinks.”
Tabloid Tidbits is compiled by Ree Hines and Helen A.S. Popkin.