Q: I have been dating my boyfriend for five months. We met online, and he lives in another town. We see each other occasionally during the week, or on weekends. It’s been five months, and I have yet to be invited to his place, although he has come to mine. He has also been reluctant about meeting my family. Should I be concerned? I have talked about it with him, but have never received a valid response. —Let’s Get On With It!
Girlfriend, apparently, dude is fine with this arrangement. As my Gilda-Gram™ warns, “Talk informs, but behavior reveals.”
He hasn’t invited you to his place because he doesn’t want you to know any more about him than you already do. And he hasn’t responded to your whining to get closer because he doesn’t want to even address it. Drop the title “boyfriend,” since this guy you barely know likes the superficiality of whatever it is you share.
You can either wait it out until — and if — he ever comes around, or date other men. For all you know, he’s wildly on the move at his locale. One thing is certain, however: The more you push, the more he’ll pull. —Dr. Gilda
Q: My husband and I have problems sharing money. We have been married for a few months, and this has been an issue from day one. We split everything 50/50, but he makes a lot more money than I do. I recently finished school and am paying back my student loans, in addition to our shared finances. He doesn't feel comfortable sharing anything with me, from a joint bank account to joint property. His rationale is that he is doing this for the sake of our relationship; he feels sharing anything jointly is destructive. But I feel like he doesn't trust me even though a marriage should be about sharing. If we can't do that, why did we marry?
We have come to a deadlock, and he refuses to talk to a therapist about anything. Needless to say, we have been fighting constantly over this, which is not what either of us wants just after getting married. I have been trying not to resent him, but it is very difficult for me, especially when thinking about having kids with him.
I don't feel secure in this relationship. How can I save our marriage? Should I change my mindset to be ok with this? If so, how? —Insecure In My Marriage
Money sharing is a symbol of trust, without which no relationship can survive. For whatever reason — and I suggest you find out what that is — hubby wants the “married” title, yet insists on operating like he’s single.
It’s time for you guys to exchange answers to these three questions: 1. What does marriage mean to me? 2. How do I believe marriage will enhance my life? 3. What do I consider to be my new role? While these should have been addressed before tying the knot, observe the enlightenment each response now provides.
You cannot remain in an insecure state, change your mindset to become someone you’re not, or “save” this marriage solo. But you can — and must — save yourself. Seek therapy at once! —Dr. Gilda
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Dr. Gilda Carle is the relationship expert to the stars. She is a professor emerita, has written 15 books, and her latest is “Don’t Bet on the Prince!”—Second Edition. She provides advice and coaching via Skype, email and phone.