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Forget "B.C." and "A.D." Henceforth, time shall be divided into "Before We Learned What Kim Kardashian West Eats in a Day" and "After We Learned What Kim Kardashian West Eats in a Day."
B.W.L.W.K.K.W.E.I.A.D., life was simple. We were carefree. We were full.
As for A.W.L.? It's only been a few hours since Kardashian revealed her meal plan to People, but we're already waking up. Just like anything else the Kardashian clan promotes, Kim's diet could soon be our diet. And almost immediately, we see the light.
Sure, it's daunting. Can a living, breathing person really subsist on "1 medium carrot," some water and an Atkins Harvest Trail Dark Chocolate Cherry and Nuts Bar? Well, judging by the fact that Kim's still with us, they sure can.
So rather than shy away from a hungry and inevitable fate, this reporter is ready to disavow the past 24 years of her life as a large-sized, sugar-coated, chocolate-covered, carb-loaded mistake of a carrot, and start anew.
Wake up, sheeple. It's clear Kim's diet is the gospel.
Luckily, she does actually eat a little bit more than just an Atkins Harvest Trail Dark Chocolate Cherry and Nuts Bar. Each day, our fearless leader consumes 1,700 calories, 64 ounces of water and not many carbs. We learned this from that People article, which was aptly headlined, "1,700 Calories, 64 Ounces of Water and Not Many Carbs: What Kim Kardashian Eats in a Day."
In it, Kardashian shares the meal plan she credits with helping lose pregnancy weight since giving birth to Saint in December, and explains that she's already dropped 60 pounds sticking to the Atkins 40 diet.
She's also an Atkins brand ambassador! Pretty crazy coincidence.
The article goes on to list three food logs reportedly written by Kim. With no context provided, we can't be sure whether these are hypothetical days or actual days. But one thing's for sure: They're all a little bit depressing.
They're also our future.
So, let's go through a typical day with Kim, since our own days are bound to look a lot like hers soon. According to the log, she sips 48-64 ounces of liquids per day. We usually measure our liquids in plastic Starbucks containers, but after a quick Google search, we've established that 48-64 ounces is akin to about 7 or 8 cups.
Okay. We can handle that.
For breakfast, lunch and dinner, Kim eats full meals — go Kim! — peppered with just the right amount of peculiar ingredients to keep us feeling alienated. There's grilled chicken with cauliflower mac and cheese (cauliflower whaaa?), scrambled eggs with turkey sausage and smoked Gouda (smoked cheese?!), and zucchini noodles with spicy chicken sausage (get out your spiralizers, people).
Next, so as to avoid the classic, entire-bag-of-popcorn-in-one-sitting sort of snack faux pas to which us plebeians are prone, Kim's own snacks are carefully quantified and portioned: 4 tbsp. hummus, ½ small apple, 2 oz. cheddar cheese, and so on. Don't forget that 1 medium carrot.
Of course, there's also the Atkins Harvest Trail Bar™ in one of three tantalizing flavors.
The thing is, 1,700 calories isn't actually that crazy. TODAY reached out to nutritionist Keri Glassman, MS, RDN, who told us the Atkins regimen is actually a pretty healthy one. "She's eating adequate calories and getting a fairly good variety of nutrients," Glassman told us via email. "It's not extreme, like you often see with many celebs post-baby."
Still, Kim may not be going about it all healthily. "I would like to see her ditch the bars for real food," added Glassman.
People, the year is 1 A.W.L.W.K.K.E.I.A.D. The time is now. Abandon what you thought you knew about food, calories, serving sizes and regular-sized carrots.
May the odds be ever in your favor.