Q: I am 70 and she is 61. I am very physically affectionate and she is not. She says she is shy and never makes a move sexually. I have a hard time accepting this because she has been married three times before.
I have been married twice. I am a widower from my last marriage to a woman 20 years my junior, who was a very affectionate partner and I really liked that.
I’m afraid that if I marry my current partner and things don't change, I will have a difficult time being faithful. We have been together six years, on and off. What do you suggest?
A: At any age, a sex life can be improved — if both partners are willing and if both take a positive approach.
Your question brings up several interesting points. I’ll start by noting that your partner has been married three times before — but it’s false to conclude that this means she is not shy or inhibited. Someone’s marital history doesn’t say a thing about their sexual comfort or level of desire.
Many people have sexless marriages. For all you know, these marriages ended because her spouse was disgruntled with their sex life. Alternatively, someone can have a thriving sex life with one partner and a weak sex life with someone else. Though she says she has always been somewhat uncomfortable about sex, and it’s possible this has been exacerbated over time.
I’ll add that women don’t become undesirable or asexual as they age — but their ability to both perform and gain pleasure from sex can change. This goes for men, too.
This reality might require adjustment on both your parts. Ask yourself whether some of your disappointment stems from the comparison of your current partner with your deceased wife, who was two decades younger. Do you have unrealistic expectations?
Older people may be less energetic in bed, with less strength and stamina, but this doesn’t mean each cannot be pleasured and satisfied. If your partner has physical changes, like post-menopausal dryness, a trip to the gynecologist can provide solutions.
Because your relationship has been on-and-off for six years, it sounds as though your sex life has been an issue, and you have long been conflicted about this relationship. Yet there are things that keep you together or you would have moved on. If there are many positives to the relationship — friendship, companionship, compatibility — you have something valuable and important.
A mismatch in sexual desire is a common and significant problem in a relationship. You may be deterred by age, but it is by no means too late to make progress toward a renewed sex life — if your female friend is also willing and interested. If both of you wish to improve what sounds like a viable relationship, there are ways of doing so.
If she has always been inhibited, you could see a certified sex therapist together. Such a therapist will identify the problems to be overcome, and advise you how to do so by starting with baby steps, like having massages with no expectations of sex, and working through her inhibitions.
If, however, your partner dismisses the issue, refuses to meet you halfway or insists she cannot change, you yourself must decide how to proceed.
You are not clear how marriage figures in your plans, but I wouldn’t advise marrying when you are already contemplating infidelity.
Let your partner know these are truly important needs of yours, and if she cannot work with you, you might not stay with her, in which case she can decide how important it is for her to work on this. Unless you want to remain with the probability of an unsteady on-and-off future, you can consider moving on and seeking someone more compatible.
Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: A mismatch in sexual desire is a common but fixable problem in intimate relationships. People can improve their sex life, even at an older age.
