Some people find themselves falling into the pattern of engaging in casual sex on a fairly regular basis. But what if you'd like to break this cycle and find a long-term relationship?
The new book "RUEA: Are You Emotionally Available?" by authors Deborah Gray and Suzie Wilks aims to help. Here is an excerpt.
En route: Feeling frisky
If you have been single for a while, you probably crave to feel the loving arms of another person around you. This strong need for affection is part of being human. It is during these times of physical desire that you are most likely to jump into bed with just about anyone and this is where the trouble can begin.
Some people are quite content to indulge in casual sex, often when they are going through a challenging time, still recovering from a lost relationship, or just not interested in getting involved. Casual sex can be very convenient, but it can also be a minefield of pain and misunderstanding.
It is time to look at your history. You need to remind yourself that you participated in creating each sexual experience and so you must also take responsibility. Remember it takes two to do the tango and you chose to be part of the dance! If you believe your history indicates you are guilty of some poor judgment, and you feel you lose perspective and get too emotionally involved too soon, perhaps it might be wise to ‘shut up shop’ before deciding if the person you fancy is the one for you. Controlling your sexual desire is not always easy, especially if you are deeply attracted to someone and feeling frisky, but you must remind yourself your heart is precious, you are special, and if you are falling for someone you need to investigate what is going on above their shoulders and find out if they feel the same way for you.
The true definition of casual sex is a one-night stand. Anything further than that and you have developed a relationship of sorts. Often these casual relationships are ‘booty calls’ — and convenient situations where you can call your partner, get it on, then go home again without any further involvement in each other’s lives. This is fine if that’s what you are into. But you’re probably not! Chances are you are looking for more meaning and commitment — because you are reading this book!
Bunk bunny, or long-term love?
Don’t make the mistake of thinking that a casual encounter will ultimately lead to a fulfilling relationship. While this may happen in some instances, it is rare. Continuing to see someone on a casual basis as a bunk bunny, hoping that one day they will grow to love you, can sometimes lead to disappointment. Remember, some people will tell you anything you want to hear if it means they can ultimately get what they want.
If you have a history of casual encounters, or have always had a few sexual buddies ‘on the side,’ ask yourself if this has prevented you from meeting the perfect mate. Most people who have regular casual sex miss genuine opportunities by becoming complacent and comfortable in relationships of convenience that never evolve beyond the physical. If this sounds familiar then you need to think about why you have behaved this way. If it was just because you didn’t want to get involved or were too busy, then that’s fair enough. But if it was out of some deeper fear of commitment or of getting hurt, then it’s probably a good idea for you to seek some guidance in order to help yourself heal.
The exercises in this book are the first steps towards learning to love and value yourself. If you believe you have some deep-seated emotional problems then we recommend you seek professional advice. Find a qualified counselor you can trust if you have suffered childhood abuse or any severe trauma throughout your life. This will be an invaluable step towards freeing yourself from the pain and fear that may be holding you back.
If you were to write a few pages about your sexual experiences would they follow a similar pattern? Would you describe yourself as affectionate, romantic or aloof? If you are possessive or jealous, how have you handled a one-night stand? What are you seduced by? When and why do you have casual sex? Are you unfulfilled with only one partner and need casual sex to keep you on an emotional high? Do you prefer tempestuous casual relationships where you deliberately create conflict with a partner and use it to create excitement? Or maybe you just enjoy the thrill of the chase?
Take a good look at your sexual history — what you are happy with or perhaps disappointed about, review it honestly and then decide how you want to manage your sex life in the future.
Emotionally available dating tips and checklist
List A
Would you rather have someone who is:
- Unreliable
- Unfaithful
- Deceitful
- Selfish
- Emotionally unavailable
- Disinterested
- Erratic
- Pessimistic
- Defensive
Or would you choose from List B?
- Responsible
- Committed
- Honest
- Considerate
- Emotionally available
- Caring
- Consistent
- Encouraging
- Open
Expectation list
Let’s take a moment to review your expectations:
- Handsome/beautiful
- Wealthy
- Successful
- Tall
- Fit/slim
- Large pecs/big breasts
- Charming
- Cool/fashionable
- Honest
- Sincere/warm
- Independent
- Attractive
- Confident/talented
- Funny
- Emotionally mature
- Open
Emotional intelligence checklist
__Have a clear understanding of who you are
__Be able to understand and manage yourself and your emotions
__Be able to self-reflect
__Think outside your own reality and have empathy and compassion for others
__Be able to work through difficult issues in relationships
__Communicate your feelings honestly and openly
__Be able to listen, comprehend and absorb another person’s words
__Be intuitively aware of another’s emotional needs
For more information on the book, RUEA and authors Deborah Gray and Suzie Wilks, visit the .