This story discusses suicide. If you or someone you know is in crisis, call 988 to reach the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. You can also call the network, previously known as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, at 988, text HOME to 741741 or visit SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for additional resources.
April Simpkins was impacted by Stephen "tWitch" Boss's death more personally than most people who didn't know him.
Boss, the former DJ for "The Ellen DeGeneres Show" and standout on competition show "So You Think You Can Dance," died by suicide Dec. 13 at age 40. Simpkins' daughter, Miss USA 2019 and "Extra" correspondent Cheslie Kryst, died by suicide in January at age 30.
"His passing ... put me on the outside looking in," Simpkins tells TODAY.com. "I saw a news flash on my computer and that's how I learned of his passing — and I imagine for some, that's how they learned of Cheslie's passing — and (I) immediately went into disbelief and wanting to understand what had happened, and then it just triggered those same feelings for me, and my heart ached for him."
Simpkins says she can empathize with his mother, Connie Boss Alexander, and the difficulty that comes with mourning a child who was a public figure.
"It’s easy to make this assumption that they were this person 24/7 when they were not," she explains. "One of the things that was very difficult for me to deal with was not just that Cheslie passed, but ... dealing with your grief while simultaneously having so many people who did not know her personally ... want to speak on (her)."
"My job was not to convince other people of who she was, but to hold tight to who I know she was," Simpkins adds.
Simpkins emphasizes the power of using positive language to cope with such a tragedy.
"I forced myself not to start any sentences with the words, 'I wish,' because that felt like salt on a wound. I did not start sentences with, 'If only I had,' or, 'Why didn't I do that?'" she recalls. "Instead, I forced myself to start sentences with phrases like, 'I feel grateful that,' or, 'I’m thankful for.' ... It helps to calm some of the sting of that grief in that moment."
Simpkins says sharing memories of Cheslie also helped her grieve.
“I allowed myself to just be flooded with memories of Cheslie, and a number of those memories I shared on my social media so that some people who did not know her personally could see glimpses into her life outside of what was shown so publicly. Remembering her in that way helped me tremendously, and I continue to do that,” she says.
Now that it's been almost a year since Kryst died, tWitch's death showed Simpkins how much she has healed and that she's not in the same place she was in January. "But I also grieve knowing that his family is now in that place," she adds.
For people concerned about their own loved ones struggling with depression, Simpkins shares how important it is to listen.
"There were times when Cheslie would talk about something and as she continued to talk about it, I knew that had triggered something in her," she says, adding that her daughter would often talk about the same things over and over. "When I look in hindsight, I see it more. It's not that I ignored it. I did address it with her."
Kryst had attempted suicide prior to her death, and after that, "I listened very differently," Simkpins says. "She never had to say to me, 'Mom, this is really an issue for me.' ... I knew these cues that when she brought something up in a certain way, we needed to talk through that. ... She needed support, not a fixer."
Simpkins believes listening in this way extended her daughter's life and that it's a skill everyone should learn.
"When someone says to us, 'I'm having a rough time dealing with blank,' and we've come back with words like, "You'll be OK. Sleep it off. You've got this. You're so strong. You can handle it. You need a vacation,' those are ways that we're dismissing someone saying I'm not OK. ... People are telling us. We're not listening with the right set of ears."
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