Erica Jagger is the pen name of a 51-year-old divorcee living in Los Angeles. Her erotic exploration has taught her that a woman who owns her sexuality, regardless of age, is a force to be reckoned with. So she started a blog to ignite a conversation about the sexual power of boomer women. Please join in and visit www.asexywomanofacertainage.com. You can also follow her on Twitter @ohgoderica.
I’m a 51-year-old divorcee living in Los Angeles, where the streets are lined with nubile women. When I found myself single a year-and-a-half ago, I wondered if I’d ever have sex again. How could I compete with those half my age? Didn’t all men want to bed younger women?
What I learned through my midlife erotic discovery is that our culture lies. We’re conditioned to believe our sex appeal expires at 40, an age where many women are enjoying a sexual renaissance.
I’m active on OkCupid and half the men who contact me are in their 20s and 30s. One man I dated told me that the best sex he’s had is with older women. Why? Because we’ve navigated the hard knocks of life transitions and are more comfortable in bed. Younger women, especially thinner women, he told me, tend to be too concerned with the way they look to be truly present with a partner.
I celebrated my 50th birthday by giving myself a boudoir shoot. I wanted to capture the sexual confidence I feel in midlife. I enjoyed the shoot so much that I recently did a second one — this time with two men.
Yep. Two men.
I was having a pre-shoot drink with one of them, and I confided my initial surprise that so many men are attracted to midlife women. Wasn’t this against everything we’re taught to believe?
“That’s always been a thing,” he said. “It’s just that people are talking about it now.”
My blogging mission is to keep talking about it, in order to deep-six the cliché that women become invisible at 40. Here are five reasons why I know that’s a lie.
1. Sexual interests evolve as we age.
Whether you're married or re-entering the dating scene, you may be ready to expand your repertoire. Intrigued by bondage, role-play, kinky accouterments? Now's the time to turn those fantasies into reality.
2. Your self-worth isn't dependent on a man.
Your accomplishments — personal and professional — fuel your self-worth. Ironically, now that you're not dependent on men for validation, your intrinsic confidence is alluring to men of all ages.
3. You enjoy sex for the sake of sex.
Sex is no longer fused with the drive for a ring and a baby. You're free to experience erotic pleasure in its most distilled form.
4. You have more energy to devote to sex.
The physical demands of rearing small children — breast-feeding, sleep deprivation, a small person stuck to your leg like a barnacle — are behind you. And with kids soon to be or already out of the house, you have the psychological energy to devote to your own fulfillment, sexual and otherwise.
5. You know how to have great sex.
Great sex is collaborative; once you own your sexuality, you're able to give and receive pleasure in a way you couldn't imagine when you were 25.
What I've learned about being sexy after 50 comes down to this: mainstream, youthful good looks have a short shelf life. But sexual confidence is ageless.