This week, one reader complains that her husband lost all their money and is now cheating on her with a psychic, while another doesn't know what to do about her on-and-off boyfriend. Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle cuts through the fluff with her love advice in TODAY.com's "30-second therapist" series.
Q: My husband and I have been married for 32 years. We have seven wonderful children and seven grandchildren. He has often "chased rainbows" financially, lost our dream home in some overseas investments that turned out to be a scam, lost lots of money to his foolish decisions, and filed bankruptcy three times. Sixteen months ago, I had a gut feeling that something wasn't right. He was making poor financial decisions again, and trying to talk family members into doing the same. While uncovering this activity, I discovered porn on his phone and our home computer. He allowed my older boys to take the blame. I also found his profile on a website for married cheaters. I was devastated. To top it off, he started seeing a female psychic with whom he fell in love. They both admitted their romantic feelings for each other, but to this day, they refuse to discontinue contact, saying they will "just remain friends." My husband does not want a divorce; he wants his cake and wants to eat it, too. I am broken-hearted and devastated. — Loving Wife
You've been a doormat for over three decades, while Hubby's been in Fantasia, bankrupting your family, searching for cheating partners, purveying porn sites, blaming your sons, and refusing to leave his latest "love"! Woman, dude's abusive — and he's eating his cake on the table you've set! As my Gilda-Gram says, "What you believe you deserve is what you receive." Your move is next!
Prepare your artillery:
1. Stop playing "broken-hearted and devastated "victim." Read my book, "Don't Bet on the Prince!," and convert your lower case "i" ("Boo, hoo, i've been played.") into capital "I" ("I am done!).
2. Accept the humor in this debacle: Hubby's with a "psychic" who can't "see" him as the loser he is. They deserve each other!
Apply the power you haven't realized you've had all these years. — Dr. Gilda
Q: I have had an on-and-off relationship with this guy for four years. We always start off good, but then we end up bad again. The crazy part is we still want to be with each other after everything that happens. I love him a lot and I don't want to be with anybody else. But I'm tired of dealing with the same stuff and I'm tired of breaking up and then making up. I can tell he wants to be with me, but at the same time, it's like I'm fighting for "us" by myself. I don't know what to do. — Tired of the Fighting
After four, yes, "crazy" years, you've finally realized this game of romantic ping-pong is exhausting! You're wiped out because the two of you are drama junkies, unconsciously striving for chaos to prove your love. The wild make-up sex that's so, so hot supports that. Thus, you've choreographed this dance that promises bedroom applause with a recurring encore, while also avoiding your fear that tranquil love is boring.
Girlfriend, a continuous need to test love blares insecurity. You may boast, "I can tell he wants to be with me," but exhaustion will compromise your health and life goals. A more nourishing relationship mindset is knowing that the proof of love is in the peace you enjoy! — Dr. Gilda
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Dr. Gilda Carle is the relationship expert to the stars. She is a professor emerita, has written 15 books, and her latest is “Don’t Bet on the Prince!”—Second Edition. She provides advice and coaching via Skype, email and phone.