Niro Feliciano is a mom, author and therapist with a master of science in social work. She’s a TODAY show contributor and author of the TODAY.com column “Is This Normal?”
Friendships, especially those between women, can be one of the most beautiful, life-giving relationships we have. But let’s be honest: They can also be incredibly complex.
Have you ever found yourself wondering "Is my friendship changing? Is this a rough patch, or are we drifting apart? Will we last?" Then you’re not alone. Friendships evolve, and not all of them are meant to last forever. So how do you know whether a friendship is worth holding onto?
Women, in particular, tend to be deeply emotionally invested in their friendships. Our identity is often reflected in the quality of the close relationships we keep. We feel good about ourselves when our relationships are strong, and when they are not, it can affect our self-worth. We rely on our friendships specifically for support, validation and connection. That’s a good thing — until life gets busier, priorities shift and expectations aren’t communicated. Misunderstandings and unspoken resentment can build up quickly.
If you find yourself in this place, realize this is an opportunity for growth for you, your friendship or both.
Unlike romantic relationships, we often don’t clearly define expectations in a friendship. It is more common to settle for whatever behavior presents itself. In many cases, there is an unspoken expectation that anything goes because it’s just a friendship. But that belief couldn’t be further from what a healthy, long-lasting relationship necessitates.
When you sense changes, which can be normal, it’s important to acknowledge them and think about if this is a friendship worth your time and effort at this stage of your life.
Here are a few things to consider:
Natural changes in a friendship
Changes do not instantly mean the end of a friendship, but it may require flexibility, understanding and grace to move through them. Common transitions that may change your friendship and even your friend include:
Life-stage transitions: Marriage, parenthood, career changes or moves can impact the amount of time, energy and mental bandwidth you have for friendships.
Shifting priorities: What bonded you initially may no longer feel as important if other aspects of life become priorities.
Communication styles: Perhaps you used to have deep conversations, but one of you doesn’t have the time any more to do that regularly. This change can create tension in the friendship.
Personal growth: As we experience life differently, we may outgrow relationships or our values move farther apart.
Unspoken hurts: Small disappointments and misunderstandings that we brush under the rug can cumulatively create resentment and end a friendship if not addressed.
What to do
If any of these sound familiar, you may need a friendship reset.
Put yourself in your friends shoes: Is their lack of time or consideration personal or does it make sense given their life stage? Can you talk to this friend about finding a way forward where both of you can get what you need in the friendship?
They may not even be aware that you are feeling this way, so communication is key to clarifying if the friendship is worth continuing. If you can’t be honest with this friend, you may want to consider if this ever was a solid connection in the first place.
Signs of a solid friendship
So, how do you know if your friendship will stand the test of time?
It’s mutual: You both want to keep the friendship going even if it means having hard conversations. You know what you mean to each other and it’s worth the effort.
You show up for each other: Even in different life stages, you have supported each other. You celebrate each others wins without jealousy. At one point or another, you have made time for each other.
You’re flexible: You give each other grace when one can’t show up. You might not talk every day, but when you do there is a felt connection.
You’re honest: You can show up as yourself and express how you feel without fear of judgment or criticism. You do not pretend to be someone you aren’t for this friend.
You bring out the best: Lasting friendships make you feel supported and content — not perpetually drained.
Red flags to consider letting the friendship go
It’s one sided: You constantly give, listen and act, and the other really doesn’t give back much. They might not even know much about what’s going on in your life.
Ongoing jealousy and competition: This is a huge red flag! Your friend says she is happy for you, but you can feel a sense of disappointment or resentment when good things happen for you. You often feel criticized or put down in the relationship.
Resentment is building: Your thoughts tend to be negative about this friendship and find yourself not wanting to be around this friend.
Emotionally drained: After spending time together, you feel exhausted rather than fulfilled. You may not have even talked about yourself and your own life during your time together.
What to do
If these signs are often present, it may be time to say “bless and release.” Be grateful for the time the positive experiences you have had together, but realize it no longer is a healthy connection for you.
How to preserve and strengthen friendships
Like any good relationship, meaningful friendships do require some investment of time. If you and your friend both want to work on your friendship, here are some ways to improve and also protect it for the future.
Talk about it: Communication is key, especially when you are upset about something. After considering your friend's life situation and intent, if the situation is creating negative feelings, bring it up. You can lead with, “Our friendship is important to me, and that’s why I want to talk about how I have been feeling, and I want to know how you have been feeling, too.”
Be intentional: Whether it's texting, walks, coffees or phone chats, make time to know what’s going on in each other’s lives. It’s the only way to stay connected on a deeper level.
Show appreciation: A five-second “You are amazing” or “I’m so grateful for you” text can go a long way to strengthen connection.
Give grace: We all will have moments where we haven’t been the best friend to someone. Recognize that and make allowances for each other. Focus on the ways that your friend has shown up for you and remember those times to help you move forward.
Not all friendships are meant for a lifetime, but the ones that are require communication, effort and a willingness to grow together through the seasons of life. If you're struggling with a friend ask yourself: “Is this a friendship worth fighting for?”
If so, do the work. And if the answer is no, it's OK and completely normal to let go and invest in the ones that are.
