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Military man: I get a thrill wearing panties

Many men enjoy seeing women's underwear — but some enjoy wearing it, too. Dr. Gail Saltz helps a military man come to terms with his desire to secretly wear his wife's — and other women's —  panties under his clothes.
/ Source: TODAY contributor

Q. I am in the military and had to attend a formal function while my wife was at work. My trousers for my uniform were a little tight. I guess I had gained a few pounds.

I normally wear boxers, which weren’t working with the trousers being so tight. I tried the trousers on without underwear but was afraid of going without, because what would happen if my trousers split because they were so tight?

I had the idea to use a pair of my wife’s underwear, as they are smaller and allowed me at least to have something on underneath. I used a pair of white nylon bikinis and didn’t think much of it at the time. But I found I got a thrill from the secret of having on ladies’ underpants under my uniform. I got home right around when my wife was coming home so I had to get out of them quickly and put them in the laundry.

Now, when my wife is not home, I go in her drawer and put on a pair of her panties. When she is working late, I will wear a pair all day long. I started to worry because her friend was visiting and they went out together for the day, and I went into our guest room and put on a pair of her friend’s sheer black undies. I tried to put them back the way I found them, but they came home quickly and I had to throw my pants on over them. When I took them off, I snuck them back into her luggage. I was worried that her friend might have noticed her panties were gone for a few minutes.

Is there something wrong with me? I really am afraid my wife will think of me as a weirdo, and I love her more than anything. Please help.

A. Men enjoying women’s underwear, including their own wearing of it, is not as unusual as you think.

In terms of whether something is wrong with you, the question is whether it interferes negatively with your intimate relationship and your life. How compulsive does this get? How much secrecy surrounds it? Is it a prerequisite for feeling erotically stimulated?

Only if you must wear women’s panties before you can get aroused are you talking about a perversion or fetish. While that is not normal, is it a problem? Again, it is only if it interferes with your life in a problematical way.

The question for you is what your wife will think, which is hard to predict. It depends on how communicative and trusting a couple you are and how open-minded she is. Only you can be the judge of that.

Is your wife interested in your ability to enjoy being sexually stimulated and does she like to keep your sex life interesting and enjoyable, even when that includes thinking outside the box? Does she like sharing things that matter to you, even if they seem not quite mainstream? If so, then it should be fine to explain to her that you find it sexy to wear women’s underwear.

Women’s underwear is erotic to men. If you and your wife have an honest relationship and you understand each other, it shouldn’t be hard to tell her that you had this experience and now find wearing women’s lingerie a big turn-on. It’s similar to any other sex toy or fantasy. If you have a good marriage, she should support things that are positive in your life, as you should for her.

That returns to the question of whether or not this is positive. If your attraction to your wife is being replaced by wearing her panties, that is a problem. On the issue of secrecy, in general, there is a thrill in risk-taking, which enhances the erotic nature of almost anything. So trying on her friend’s undies and risking getting caught is upping the ante.

You can, though, get into dangerous territory if you keep pushing the envelope so that the risks you take are potentially damaging. For example, would you rather tell your wife about dressing in her underwear or have her find out by accident? Only you can assess this for yourself.

One reason this topic is uncomfortable is that it makes you wonder whether you are homosexual or transgender. Again, only you can assess this for yourself. I detect a lot of defensiveness in your note. You have given a long explanation of why it was “OK” for you to try on your wife’s underwear in the first place.

Ask yourself what your defensiveness means and how great are any feelings that you might be gay or transgender. If your feelings about being aroused by men or about wishing to be female are significant, then that would be something to explore.

But your erotic enjoyment of women’s underwear alone doesn’t necessarily mean anything. Again, it depends on whether it interferes with your life and becomes a negative for you. It is all a matter of degree.

It is sad that, when you love your wife more than anything, there is something going on that you feel you can’t share with her. This can create a distance. So I suggest you consider broaching the subject. If you have open communication and you can share your secrets with her, you should both be fine.

Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: Some men are turned on by wearing women’s underwear. It doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong.

Dr. Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist with New York Presbyterian Hospital and a regular contributor to TODAY. Her latest book is “Anatomy of a Secret Life: The Psychology of Living a Lie.” She is also the author of “Amazing You! Getting Smart About Your Private Parts,” which helps parents deal with preschoolers’ questions about sex and reproduction. Her first book, “Becoming Real: Overcoming the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back,” was published in 2004 by Riverhead Books. It is now available in a paperback version. For more information, you can visit her Web site, .