This week, one reader says she doesn't understand why the man she is dating only wants to see her after 10 p.m. while another says he's bummed that his ex refuses to have any contact with him. Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle cuts through the fluff with her love advice in TODAY.com's "30-second therapist" series.
Q: The guy that I have been talking to on and off for a year doesn't want a relationship with me. Why?! We started talking over a year ago and we hook up fairly often. He has even told me that he is in love with me, which is something I never expected from him. He doesn't like to talk about his feelings or what's going on in his head. We have been out on one real date and he would rather spend time with his friends on the weekends than with me. I only see him after 10 at night, and only if I go to his house. He gets super jealous at the thought of me talking to other guys, and I don't think he is talking to anyone else either. He has always been honest with me. He just says it's not the right time for us to be together right now. Am I wasting my time? —Frustrated
Dear Frustrated,
You ought to change your signature to “Booty Call” –because that’s all you are to this player. To keep you coming around, he’ll tell you he is “in love” with you, and say he’s “super jealous.” Girlfriend, the only thing you can believe is dude’s actions. And they’ve already proven that he prefers spending time with his homies to being with you! The excuse that it’s “not the right time” for the two of you to be together is bogus! It explains that the “right time” is only after 10 p.m. at his place, so there’s no disruption in lothario’s routine. Learn this Gilda-Gram™: “Assess love by the level of inconvenience someone endures for you.” Honey, a ready erection in the middle of the night is hardly a love connection! —Dr. Gilda
Q: My girlfriend broke up with me just over six months ago and I am still unable to get over her. After we broke up, she refused to maintain any form of contact, and we essentially went from being together 24/7 to nothing at all. I run into her through our mutual friends on a weekly basis, and she offers a slight acknowledgment of my existence and then ignores me completely. I would love to at least be cordial with her, but I feel that her continuous rejection of me has made me unable to fall out of love with her. Am I stuck with this forever? —Need to Move On
Dear Need to Move On,
Yes, you need to move on, but what you’re doing will keep you stuck. In his song, “The Outsiders,” Eric Church sings, “They’re the in crowd. We’re the other ones.” Become part of an “other” crowd for a while, and immerse yourself in a captivating cause. For example, in her book, “Love, Skip, Jump,” Shelene Bryan writes how she founded Skip1.org that asks people to skip one thing in their lives, donate the dollar amount, and thereby help children in need. Neat concept! Dude, skip your ego-involvement, and help fulfill others’ dreams! That’s the way to disengage from your past. You’ll also become so personally enriched, you’ll wonder why you chose that partner six months before! —Dr. Gilda
Want Dr. Gilda to answer your relationship questions? Send them in!
Dr. Gilda Carle is the relationship expert to the stars. She is a professor emerita, has written 15 books, and her latest is “Don’t Bet on the Prince!”—Second Edition. She provides advice and coaching via Skype, email and phone.